EggshellWalking.com: A Borderline Personality Disorder Diary

FAQUpdated: February 11, 2009, 7:57

What is this site about?: This site is a diary of events living with a spouse who has Borderline Personality Disorder.
What is BPD?: The short answer, from my perspective is BPD is like Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive Disorder. (The term is redundant, Bi-Polar is Manic Depressive but most people know one or the other). The two are different in that the yo-yo goes up and down a whole lot faster and there's no manic (feel-good) stage for people who suffer from BPD. Also, BPD people know something is not right where a manic depressive probably doesn't realize something is wrong during the manic stages. However, a BPD doesn't seem to realize the "not-right" is internal, within themselves. They instead see the problem is with others, or with the situation they are in.
Here is a really in depth, yet non-psychobable explanation. Also, please see the resources page for more information.
Why are you doing this?: Mostly, it's for my own sanity, I've reached a point where my spouse's borderline personality disorder has grown so bad that I must do something beyond encourage her to go to therapy. This is my outlet.
I also hope that it may help just one person who cares about someone with BPD. Either they recognize the symptoms and get help or point them to more resources.
Are you afraid someone will see this an know who she is?: Yes and no. You'll notice that all names are changed, no specific places are mentioned. I do this out of respect of privacy to her and everyone involved.
If she finds out and is even somewhat certain that I've done this, she may kill me. No, I serious. Read the log.
There's lots of references to literature and pop-culture and other stuff.: Yup. I'm not the same guy I was many years ago. I'm desperately clinging to what is left. I have nothing but my sense of humor, and damn it, BPD's not taking that from me.
What's with the name?: The name is a pun. The meaning is two fold. First, this accurately describes how I feel around my spouse ALL THE TIME. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Minor "errors" set her off, I didn't call her as I usually do at a specific time, she's enraged. If I suggest we go somewhere for the weekend, she won't want to do it, yet if I do not suggest, she'll be mad because I "don't care".
Secondly, this is my interpretation as to how fragile she is, as though she is a hollow eggshell walking around, the slightest bump and she will crack.
Why "April"?: I didn't realize it at the time, when I chose a false name for her but there's a lot of symbolism in the name April. I chose it because aside from a person's name, it's only other occurrence is a month of the year. Since I try not to use dates in my posts, it's unlikely that I'd type the word "April". I use a method to automatically convert the names here to their given false name. This name made it unlikely to be accidentally converted to another.
However, I've now seen the additional symbolism to the name. Where I live, the month of April is usually rainy, dreary, damp and cold. Not exactly the most comfortable environment, but it is bearable, except for the somewhat frequent intense storms and sometimes even wintry mixes which trap you indoors. These days are offset by warm, beautiful sunny days, the kind where you want to throw on shorts and jump in the pool. But there are rarely days in between, where it's comfortable and not raining. You don't truly know what tomorrow will bring though. The only thing predictable about the weather in April is that it will change.
Why "Chuck"?: I didn't realize it at the time, when I chose a false name for myself but there's a lot of symbolism in the name Chuck. I chose Chuck because if you take my given name, trace the way my name has changed over the centuries, you'll eventually end up with Charles, Chuck is a nickname given to people named Charles, at least in this country. So the name is not too far off from mine when you know the history of my name.
However, what I was not aware of is how Chuck relates to our relationship. You throw something out, or toss it aside, you "chuck" it. You feel sick, you throw up, or up chuck. You see a furry creature who lives under ground and one famous animal in this species makes a weather prediction he's a wood chuck. Ok, that last one really is a stretch, but somehow way in the back of my mind, there's a reason I chose this name over any of the other possibilities. I find this humorous and perhaps foreshadowing of my destiny. Who knows. but I had to mention it.
Can I write a diary/journal/blog like this?: Under certain conditions, yes. You, your spouse, child, parent(s), boss, coworker or roomate, or someone whom you're incontact on a regular basis or were in contact on a regular basis must be suspected of having a personality disorder.
These disorders encompass Antisocial personality disorder,Avoidant personality disorder,Borderline personality disorder,Cyclothymic personality,Dependent personality disorder,Depressive personality disorder,Dissocial personality disorder,Emotionally unstable personality disorder,Histrionic personality disorder,Narcissistic personality disorder,Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder,Paranoid personality disorder,Psychopathy,Sadistic personality disorder,Schizoid personality disorder,Schizotypal personality disorder,Self-defeating personality disorder, although there may be others. Contact me, , tell me a little bit about your situation.