I banned our home computers from submitting forms over the internet to my work. But what I didn't know, the ban I used was only good for 72 hours.  I told April this, to deter her from trying, but the dumb bitch is persistent.

So she submits a trouble-ticket with the title 'Baby', in the main part of the message she types 'I want you so bad. Meet me in your jeep' and then enters my email address as where it came from! She did this right after I left work, so there was little I could do, and even if I was there, I probably wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway. On top of that, she did it twice.

When I demanded to know why, she said she did it because I said she couldn't.

I hate my life.

The following day I get in trouble for it at work. 

Having realized that not much is going to come from just sitting there agreeing to everything she says in therapy, I decided that today is "all in" day. I've got my cards, I've got my chips, one hand makes me a big winner or flat broke.

I'm quick yet slightly reserved in bringing up other events that have happened that were no picnic.

She says that her behavior has only been happening since she was sexually assulted, I bring up how there have been many similar happenings since the begining of the relationship, the woman at the bar on her birthday the first year, smashing glasses when I said she shouldn't buy a car, how she acted when Jill died. All of these were before the sexual assault. I also brought up how great my birthday was, which Dr. D. said it's up to me how to spend my birthday and I did take the day prior off with her.

I also threw in how due to her behavior with Kristin, I lost a promotion that I had been working towards for seven years. I figured now was the best time if there was any time to tell her.

She started how I must be screwing her on the side. I stated that it's strictly professional, like I always do. She says that if Kristin always needs to come to me, she doesn't know her job and needs to be fired. I reply back that occasionally, she needs to ask for information she doesn't have access to. April says that she should have access to that info. I say sometimes she needs to escalate a problem or problem customer to me, because that's why I make nearly twice as much as she does. Whoa Nelly! Somebody pissed on the fire. She threw a tirade. She got tense, crossed her arms, started yelling at the top of her lungs. She yelled "why do you always defend her?". Dr. D. interjected "do you defend her?" I replied I was stating fact and that how much money Kristin makes compaired to myself is an educated guess.

Dr. D. interrupted, asking "Did you bring Chuck in here to show me how you fight with him?".

He seemed very unenthusiastic as far as if he could help her at this point and I beleive he ended the session a few minutes early. Poor guy. April's bad side doesn't usually come out in public. 

She's still upset, she's driving home, she's cursing me.

She says "maybe we should break up". I agree. I don't care, I've tried, I've failed. I've lost so much already.

In trying to calm her down so she can function like a normal human being everything got sorted out and it's smooth sailing for a bit. I think she may have popped several of her anti-anxiety medication as well.

Either way she goes back in two weeks, hopefully without me, I never want to go through that again.

Her
Me
so where yu outside yet?
no
you didn't have a cig since 800 am thats hard to believe
no, if I do, you get mad.
what go out to smoke?
yes, you got mad the alst time I did that, so I don't any more.
...
so I'm now allowed to smoke again?
i never said you couldn't
thank you honey.
i said you couldn't do thing with her
I don't do anythin gwith her.
thats whta i said i do not know where ou came up with that
ok, I must have misunderstood.

Sounds to me like I'm allowed to smoke again.

It snowed yesterday. The kids were out playing, sledding accross the street at a house that's for sale and is unoccupied. Our house doesn't have much of a hill and I really don't want to shovel all the snow into a huge pile like the last time it snowed.

They come in, I'm playing monopoly with Madison. A cop comes to the door. April's starting to freak out that they want me, since the last time a cop was at our house when I was home, I got arrested for an oustanding warrant. We answer the door. The cop asks for Aaron.

This is really confusing, since we know where Aaron's been all day, but we get him. The officer asks if he was across the street. He says yes. The officer then tells us he was called because Aaron jumped off the railing from the deck into a pile of snow below. This is about one story or more down. We know Aaron doesn't have the nerve to do this and we don't think he'd be that stupid. The officer also tells us that the caller said he knocked down a fence and broke a window.

Aaron says he was just sledding. The officer tells him that he has to stay off the propery or he will be cited for tresspassing. We inform the officer that Aaron was not the only one there, he should talk to another neighbor who's a bit older to get the story as to what's going on. We're certian they were just sledding and we don't know anything about a broken window. The section of fence has been down for months. 

The officer takes a few notes on a report and leave to talk to the other kid who was across the street. April gets mad, "I'll get them I'll get them" referring to the idiots down the street who can't handle their kid buying baseball cars for $5. She looks up the number for child protective services, calls them. They're not in cause it's Saturday. She vows to call on Monday. 

As it turns out, the idiots down the street didn't call the cops about the kids sledding, it was their next door neighbors. Appearantly we're the "trouble house" now. Which sucks, because we thought those people were cool, Madison played with their daughter on several occasions. I've talked to the dad a time or two.

Our kids were playing basketball and getting a little loud. The wife yells at them "Don't make me call the cops again!" 

I'm pretty upset, why couldn't they have been civil and knocked on the door? Stupid people.

April went to the psychatrist today without me.

From what she's told me, it went well, she told me over lunch at a fast food joint.

The next session is in three weeks. Dr. D. is asking for authorization to see her for a year. I think he's overly optimistic. I need to attend all of them. I have about two weeks worth of vacation time, he wants 26 sessions. So I'll have to burn all my vacation and take 16 unpaid days to do this.

According to her, Dr. D.'s switched positions, now he doesn't think men and women can be friends under any circumstance. I need to do what she wants. I think she's hearing what she wants to hear.

She also said Dr. D. was disappointed that I wasn't there. He can't help her without "us". And I need to be trained on how to respond to her questions. Not answering questions/statements like "you don't appreciate me" with "why do you feel that way?"

The problem is I am trained. To her I give neutral responses whenever possible. It makes things between us easy. Nearly everything conversation involves several reflex responses. Things I say not because I want to, but because if I don't she'll get mad. She asks or usually accuses that I want Kristin. I tell her I don't want Kristin. Next it goes to that I'm attracted to Kristin. She wants to hear "She's not attractive", well frankly, she's not butt ugly, but she's not my type either. I say "I'm not attracted to her", which I think would be good enough for 99% of women.

Most of all, she wants me to tell her I blame Kristin for my not getting the promotion, April being forbidden to contact me at work, and a few other things. I don't blame her, Kristin did nothing. I mean nothing! She goes to work, and work happens to be where I work. That's what she's done. I don't blame her, I refuse to say I do.

She wants me to say that Kristin was wrong for going to my acting supervisor. Well if I was a 20-something woman at work and had a strange woman call me up and say "Are you doing my boyfriend?" I'd be concerned as well. I can understand why Kristin thinks April is a stalker. This is not normal behavior in our society, and I hope not in other societies either. Under the circumstance, if the strange woman who called was my co-worker's boyfriend, I'd go to a supervisor as well.

So now I need to be trained. Bullshit. I really need to get out of this relationship. I don't know how, but I do.

Oh, he gave her a copy of what he's requesting from the ins. co. It doesn't mention BPD, but a boat load of other stuff, post traumatic stress disorder, body image disorder, rage, moodiness, I forget what else. April doesn't like the idea that she's got a mental disorder. I honestly beleive that it didn't have to come to this, the monster is out of the cage now. I wish she would have stayed in therapy the first time four years ago.

Or if she would have listened to me when I said "Don't buy the truck for Doug", then she wouldn't have been hanging out with Harry. Or if she would have listened when I said don't buy the cars. Either one would have stopped the chain of events, she wouldn't have been where she was when she was sexually assaulted. Or if she would have listened when I said take the summer job. Because then she wouldn't have been hanging out with Harry, oh, and we'd have a few thousand dollars more to boot. I don't blame her for having friends. I definitely don't blame her for the sexual assault, but the fact remains, if the chain was broken sooner, it would have been someone else. Not that that's good, but I guess in a selfish kinda way it's better.

Later she tells me that I need to be honest with Dr. D. Beleive me I've tried. The last session I was in I was truthful, but not honest. I should have walked in, said "Dr. D. Good luck. April Good luck. I'm outta here." But I didn't. I want to get out without breaking her heart or worse having her throw a fit.  I'm not as concerned about the first part as the last part.

So "our" next session will be interesting if I can't find a way out of my own house by then.

Unexpectantly, I got called into my Boss's boss's office. I have no idea what this is about, but I have a feeling it's going to be bad.  I always expect it to be bad when this happens. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired. Especiallly since it's Friday, my company always fires people on Friday when they can, it makes for easier transitions, we can get an ad in the paper by Sunday, I know this, because I've hired and fired people here. oh shit, I'm gonna get fired.

Well, it's not quite that bad. But close. I'm being demoted. My boss and his boss "reviewed" the job descriptions and I am not a supervisor, I never was, according to them. This is really interesting, because I've hired about a dozen people and I've fired two. I've been acting as a supervisor for three for a while and occasionally my whole department when my boss was out. I have done performance reviews, I have several job descriptions that say they report to me. At least they're not reducing my pay, I really need the money. And the reason why? Cause I can't control my "live-in" so how can I be expected to be responsible for people I work with?

Great. Maybe I'll go over to the market and get hit by a bus. No, that won't do any good, that will just force my mother to clean up the mess I've made.