During my demotion meeting, my boss's boss Bill recommended that I speak with the HR manager about my plan to fix my life, the military. He wants to make sure I'm fully informed about what the company will do for me while I'm in boot camp etc. I told him my understanding is I retain my service time, rank (previously peon supervisor, now peon), pay and benefits. He said it's complicated and he doesn't want to mispeak.

So off to HR I go.

The HR supervisor is quite sympathetic to my situation, but she wants me to talk to the company shrink to make sure I've got my head screwed on straight. Great, not only have I been demoted, they think I'm off my rocker too.  She confirms that I am correct as far as what the company will do for me while I'm enlisted as a reservist, additionally, I get all pay raises I'd be scheduled for and I get my exact job back. My understanding was they had to pay me the same, even if I was pushing a broom. So the one thing I may miss out on is a promotion opportunity or the chance to get more responsibilty with changing my job description for the better. But the good part with that, my job description can't change for the worse either.

The people who called the cops when the kids were sledding's children are now wandering around the vacant property. April called the cops on them. She's must have brains where she sits. She told the kids that she called the cops. The kid said "It wasn't us, it was our parents!". Which is probably the case. None the less, they go home.

I'm on my way home and as usual, she calls me on the cell and expects me to talk to her about what ever I can pull out of my ass. She talks to other people and doesn't pay much attention to me, she just wants to check up on me. I really hate that. Finally, the cop shows up at the door and she hangs up. No love you, no get bent, just "bye" click.

Ah, peace and quiet! I can drive without interruption, so nice. I just wish there was a better reason for it.

About 10 minutes from home, the phone rings. It's her. She tells me how the cop handled everything. How the neighbors who called the cops the first time tried to hand her husband's business card off to the cop, because her husband is a cop in a different juristiction and how April feels vindicated because of that and that she started getting rude and the cop sent her to her own house. As she walked away the neighbor says "I'm home all day, I see everything that goes on" which is weird, because nothing, and I mean nothing goes on, save for a stupid neighbor who likes to watch empty houses.

Then April starts in with "nigger this" and "nigger that". This is bullshit. Yes, the people who called the cops the first time are black. They're assholes. Their not niggers. Don't tell April I said that though, she'll think I'm defending them.

I hope I can move out this weekend. She's got a baby shower to go to and I think that may be my last opportunity to leave for a while.

God I hate my life. 

April went to a different psychiatrist, I guess Dr. D is a psychologist so he's not able to prescribe drugs, where the guy she went to this morning can.

Her appointment is at 9:45. To be nice and thoughtful, I send her a text message.

Love You
9:41 a.m.

She kept saying to me over the last few days "if he gives me anything that's gonna make me fat, I'm not taking it". Well honey, which is better fat and sane or skinny and crazy?

Ah well. She sent me a text message that she was finished.

I replied:

how did it go?
r u home?
Love you
11:20 a.m.

She replied

Not home
CB: 212 555-1212
11:21 a.m.

R u home yet?
Love you
12:47 p.m.

Nothing. 

I go out for a cigarette, call her about 1:10. No answer on her cell. I try the house. No answer. A half hour or so goes by, I send

Sending you a rose
@-->>--
Love you
1:47 p.m.

 She replies:

I am just upset u
didnt' want me to
come over for lunch
CB: 212 555-1212
2:13 p.m.

Well sheesh honey! How am I supposed to know? I reply:

I didn't think 2 ask.
Love you
2:17 p.m.

 She writes back:

U never think
always me
2:20 p.m.

 I say:

U saw me making my lunch yesterday, why not ask me then?
2:22 p.m.

she says:

y me always put the blame on me.
2:24 p.m.

I reply:

No blame just question.
2:25 p.m.

A while later:

Well i think if u cared about my appt u would of wanted to see me.
3:30 p.m.

 my reply:

I do care how did it go?
Love you
3:31 p.m.

It's 5:00 nothing, no call, no text, no im, no go fuck yourself. So I don't know what that means other than I need to learn to read minds.

My mom called me on the way home. We talked, mostly about April, how things are going yada, yada. She has no idea how bad things are.

I get home. I give her a hug and a kiss as soon as I walk in the door. Then I'm taking a piss, April starts talking to me about how her appointment went.
She says, "When I got there, he asked me 'So, what are we here for today?'".
She reples "To get my prescriptions straight".
He asks "What seems to be the problem?'
She says "I'm a bitch". (That's an understatement!)

She tells me that he's taking her off Seraquel and that she's supposed to wean herself off Ativan over the next week. Apparently the 2mg she was taking three times a day has the same effect on the brain as three beers, each. So she shouldn't have been driving and could lose her CDL. But the new guy won't turn her in as long as she stops taking it. This is great, there's a three month supply of that coming in the mail.  She says he's putting her on Relacore for her sleeping/restless leg syndrome.

Then she gets all teary. "He diagnosed me with Bi-Polar disorder. I don't like that". "I could handle that I have a mood disorder, but not Bi-Polar. He says it's because my two brothers have it and my sister". I wanted to say "Well honey, what do you think Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar are? Mood disorders", but I didn't. She says "I have to get a blood test tomorrow, they're checking all sorts of stuff. I need to fast." I ask for how long. She says "no food after midnight". I say "Let's go eat."

That's when I find out she didn't make dinner. Not for the kids, not for herself, not for me.

So I make dinner, something quick, chicken nuggets and french fries. The kids take their plates and go outside. I eat at the table and she keeps talking to me. Then she breaks completely from the conversation to tell me how "you don't care about me." WTF! "If you cared about me, you would have wanted to find out how my appointment went." I tried to refresh her memory, how I sent her a bunch of text messages earlier, starting even before her appointment. Her rebuttal "I didn't have my phone on, it was in the car." And how I called her at 1:10 to ask her how everything went, she shot back "I wasn't home, I washed my car, my cell phone was here", meaning at the house, " it only had one battery left on it". I"f you cared you would have called me on your way home"

Shit! I hate this. It's like arguing with a god damn drunk. No it's worse, you can always give a drunk more to drink, then they pass out.

All right! I've made up my mind. I'm gone this weekend. You go to the baby shower, I go somewhere else, FOR EVER!

How is it my fault that you didn't get the messages! I sent you eight, eight text messages. I called you twice!

Arrgh!

So I get up and do the dishes. While I'm doing the dishes (I'm an awful guy, aren't I?). she puts her head in her hands and starts crying. I get her to stand up, try to comfort her. She picks up the phone and calls her mom. I go back to doing the dishes. I told Madison to go give her mom a hug.

April then goes back to the bedroom. A few minutes later I go back to the bedroom change. I leave the room. Just before I walk out, I hear her say something like "I don't know if I can tell you this" in a tone that says she doesn't want to be overheard. I close the door behind me.

I can't beleive the last two posts aren't even 24 hours old yet.

We were supposed to go to the mall and pick something up she ordered, but since April called her mom and spent an hour on the phone with her, we  don't have enough time to get it.

I don't want to go to the mall anyway. I hate shopping.

I get ready for the next day, since April was unable to do the laundry, I don't have any clean work shirts. If I had know this was going to happen, I would have done the laundry.

I get a shower, get ready to climb in bed.

"We need to talk". The four little words that mean "the shit has hit the fan". So we talk. She wants me to behave the way I did the night before. More "you don't care about me" bullshit. I tell her I do care about her. (This is true.) She goes off "oh, you just care?" "No honey, I love you." (You know I've been through so much of this, I honestly don't remember when that feeling went away.) There was a time when I think I loved her. On occasion, she's herself, the woman I met all those years ago and I feel the way I did. But I'd guess that 8 days out of 10 I do not feel that at all. The two remaining days, I might feel it for several hours.

Well back to the "discussion". She says I don't pay attention to her like I used to, I should have invited her over for lunch, I should have called her when she was done with the Dr.'s appointment. I try to explain that I'm extremely busy because the guy who used to be underneath me was promoted so I have 50% more work than I did before. Oh, and of course there's #3,4 and 6  Making personal calls, taking personal calls and spending too much time on the web, which I'd think includes IM.

Thankfully the new medication starts to really kick in and convince her to go to sleep. But not before she cries on my shoulder for a few more minutes. 

It's been a rough day at work. But the good news, it's Friday! It's 4:30, I'm done in 1/2 an hour. All I need to do this whole weekend is get the ring April ordered from the mall. She's having it changed from yellow to white gold and she's been patiently waiting two weeks. Well as patient as April gets anyway.

My phone rings, it's April. WTF? I check my instant messanger, she sent me a message a whole 73 seconds ago and I didn't respond.

Her
Me
(4:30:13 PM) hey you there
(4:30:34 PM) where are you
<AUTO-REPLY> : I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(4:31:43 PM) I'm at work.

Sorry, that's a stupid question. She knows the answer. 

(4:32:03 PM) hello?
don't get fuckin smart you jerk

Whoa, wow, what did I do?

I'm not.
i just wanted to tell you that i am waiting to pick my ring up
why?
sorry for fuckin bothering
becasue the boys are still here
what's your problem?
you always repleying in a queer way
no shit your at work
you asked where I was.
no duh i m you and you did repley
not
I didn't see it, I was writing a report.
so i didn't know if you left early or what
not a report, a task.
how did your run go?

Trying to change the subject, hoping this will calm her down. 

same
what's mal doing?
outside with her dad
ok.
i think you do this to piss me off so i get mad at you and then we can havea shitty weekend

I do this? I intentionally missed your im message because I'm rediculously busy at work just so I can ruin your weekend? 

but you claim there is noone else and the way you treat me
come on
there is no one else.
How am I treating you?
You asked a question, I answered.
why treat me like shit all the time your at work
I am not treating you like shit.
you didn't im me i had to im you why am i putting all the effort in this
I didn't know you were home yet.
I didn't see you online.
you kow my schedule
please understand I am extremely busy right now, I don't have time to watch the buddy list to see when you come online.
ok so i am bothering you i will see you sometime
you're not bothering me.

Actually, yes you are, I'm trying to finish my work. I tell her this so that it doesn't start fights, but it's too late.

yeah right, you extermely busy right now
what do you think that tells me
yes I am.
that your boyfriend has a difficult job?
since when
since (my former boss) left
since (my former boss) left, since Dave got the promotion.
well see he shouldn't gotten it he doesn't know anything
that wasn't my decision.

 No, it was yours. Thank you so much you couldn't control yourself and you have to remind me how you cost me the promotion. Thanks.

plus you need to do Kristin job so therfore it all makes sense
i willl let you go

Here we go again. Get yourself all fired up. 

what the hell?
why do you always have to do that?
you have to do everyone job
thats why you are busy
and the fact that I have to split what used to be Dave's work wtih Chris has nothing to do with it?
well chris should do work
" split what used to be Dave's work wtih Chris"
talk to you later
ok, love you.

 You'd think it was over, didn't you? Ya Right!

fuck you
if youloved me you would have time for me
and the fact you start early
I always have time for you.
and the fact you can't even tewxt me i have to text you
can't you understand I'm busy?
i am the one putting all the effort in not you
no
you eat lunch at your desk
and I get no credit for chatting with you from 11:15 to 1:15?

That was an earlier conversation that went pretty normal, I'm not going to bore you with it. 

you go in early
there's two hours of time today.
doesn't mean anything to you
yeah well there was lots of breaks in there anf you went to market
for lunch
oh wow, a whole 20 minutes.
whatever
be a jerk
I'm not being a jerk, you are.

Why did I do this? It can not get better, and I just poured a gallon of gas on the kitchen fire. 

no i always have time for you but you never have time for me
you don't understand that you go in early
eat lunch at your esk but i bother you to much

I realize it, it has no effect on her what so ever. Ant it's not as "early" as she thinks it is. 

I was in at 8. I talked to you until 8:10
I got changed. I didn't get to my desk until 8:20
so what that adds up over 5 days
so that's only 10 minutes.
and I spent 2 hours IMing you today.
so I would think that means I have to work until 6:50 to make up for it.
and there was lots of breaks becasus ei had phone calls
I had laundry breaks
ok do what you want
i give up

No, it's not over, I wish it was. 

not to mention the half hour we've been chatting so I guess that's 7:20 I need to stay till.

She's finally hit the right combination, now it's on! (It's also been 20 minutes)

i am always wrong
all I need you to do is be reasonable.
byww]
i think i am
its fuckin friday
yes, so be happy, don't be a jerk to me.
but you have to be there and chat with everyone else and you don't get home until 610 usually
don't you remember there's construction on my way home?
whatever I am I am i gues s
you clearly dont love me
1 lane of 45 mph traffic where it's normally two lanes and 55, that makes a big difference.
you clearly don't love me.
cause if you did you wouldn't be giving me shit.
you know wanted to take Madison out for dinner and get my ring
yes, the mall is open till 9:00 what's the problem?
yeah if i didn't love you i wouldn't be here
that's what I say to yo uall the time, but it's not good enough.
do your work
I'm trying.
that comes first remember
fuck me
i am shit
i am nothing
(4:53:09 PM) what ever, I'm tired of fighting.
(4:53:10 PM) bye
(4:53:12 PM) just remeber that
(4:53:13 PM) you're being ignored.
(4:53:30 PM) April has signed off.

I've got seven minutes to cram what I didn't get done in.

My cell phone rings. I ignore it.

My boss comes up to me, we chat, various phones are ringing. I know they're all April

It's 5:00, I'm ready to walk out the dore.

The phones rung about 10 times now.

She left a message 4:57 p.m. "Ok, get ready for Kristin's phone to ring". (I didn't get this until Tuesday).

I pick up. It's April, big surprise.

She says "Did you hear the phone ring?"
I say "no, I didn't hear the phone ring, what are you talking about?"
She says "I called Kristin"
I hung up the phone. Put it on forward to voice mail.

Another voice mail: 5:01 " Pick up the fucking phone. I did not speak to her, now fucking call me back". I didn't actually get these until much later.

My cell's been ringing, I turned it off.

I spent the next half hour scrambling, trying to forward Kristin's phone to mine, but after mine rings three times, it goes to Kristin's voicemail.

Shit.

I set the support emails to go from distributed to all members of the department to go just to me. Or so I thought, I didn't test it.

I banned the home computer again for good measure, that bit me in the ass last time.

I unforwarded Kristin's phone since it wasn't working the way I needed it to.

I put my stuff in the trunk and went home for the big blowout.

I got home, great April's not there.

I looked in the trunk for my cell phone, not that I expect to use it, but I want it handy if she decides to get violent again.

I calmly hook up the trailer, lower it to put the bike on, go to the house to get the keys for the bike. I have  no idea how much time I have so I don't want to waste it pushing the motorcycle on to the trailer.

Shit, as I walk to the door, I see her pulling up. I unlock the door, get my motorcycle keys and the van keys.

She's crying. She bursts in the door. "Please, I didn't call her. I was just joking."

I say "That's not a funny joke."

She's bawling "please don't leave, I can't live without you."  And "Give me one more chance, I swear I'll be good."

I tell her "we can't do this any more."

She then tells me that she called her Ex who made arrangements with his brother and sister-in-law to watch Madison since the boys will be with their dad at the races. She was going to get a hotel because she thought we were through. 

I agree to give her one more chance. I hate myself. I hate this relationship. I don't like April. I love the kids more than anything and they're not mine. And most of all, I know what she told me a moment ago means that she's once again thinking about killing herself. I can't leave now. I hate my life.

As much as I tried to convince April that Madison should stay with us, she was insistant that Madison should go with Aunt and Uncle.

I had to take a shit anyway. I'm in the bathroom with my pants down and she keeps talking to me, she opens the door. Things are bound up tighter than a drum even though I really need to go. Finally, she leaves with Madison. 

While she took Madison there, I listened to my voice mail and read my text messages.

I was going to post some of the text messages, but she got in my phone and erased them before I could.. Damn it I hate it when she does that. She knows I'm going to "use them against her" during therapy to show Dr. D. how screwed up she is. I don't want to harm her, financially or emotionally, but I think it could help. Probably not.

Over the course of 20 minutes, she sent me 22 text messages and left me 11 voicemail messages until it filled my mailbox.

I'll post the text of those when I have a chance.