It snowed yesterday. The kids were out playing, sledding accross the street at a house that's for sale and is unoccupied. Our house doesn't have much of a hill and I really don't want to shovel all the snow into a huge pile like the last time it snowed.

They come in, I'm playing monopoly with Madison. A cop comes to the door. April's starting to freak out that they want me, since the last time a cop was at our house when I was home, I got arrested for an oustanding warrant. We answer the door. The cop asks for Aaron.

This is really confusing, since we know where Aaron's been all day, but we get him. The officer asks if he was across the street. He says yes. The officer then tells us he was called because Aaron jumped off the railing from the deck into a pile of snow below. This is about one story or more down. We know Aaron doesn't have the nerve to do this and we don't think he'd be that stupid. The officer also tells us that the caller said he knocked down a fence and broke a window.

Aaron says he was just sledding. The officer tells him that he has to stay off the propery or he will be cited for tresspassing. We inform the officer that Aaron was not the only one there, he should talk to another neighbor who's a bit older to get the story as to what's going on. We're certian they were just sledding and we don't know anything about a broken window. The section of fence has been down for months. 

The officer takes a few notes on a report and leave to talk to the other kid who was across the street. April gets mad, "I'll get them I'll get them" referring to the idiots down the street who can't handle their kid buying baseball cars for $5. She looks up the number for child protective services, calls them. They're not in cause it's Saturday. She vows to call on Monday. 

As it turns out, the idiots down the street didn't call the cops about the kids sledding, it was their next door neighbors. Appearantly we're the "trouble house" now. Which sucks, because we thought those people were cool, Madison played with their daughter on several occasions. I've talked to the dad a time or two.

Our kids were playing basketball and getting a little loud. The wife yells at them "Don't make me call the cops again!" 

I'm pretty upset, why couldn't they have been civil and knocked on the door? Stupid people.

April went to the psychatrist today without me.

From what she's told me, it went well, she told me over lunch at a fast food joint.

The next session is in three weeks. Dr. D. is asking for authorization to see her for a year. I think he's overly optimistic. I need to attend all of them. I have about two weeks worth of vacation time, he wants 26 sessions. So I'll have to burn all my vacation and take 16 unpaid days to do this.

According to her, Dr. D.'s switched positions, now he doesn't think men and women can be friends under any circumstance. I need to do what she wants. I think she's hearing what she wants to hear.

She also said Dr. D. was disappointed that I wasn't there. He can't help her without "us". And I need to be trained on how to respond to her questions. Not answering questions/statements like "you don't appreciate me" with "why do you feel that way?"

The problem is I am trained. To her I give neutral responses whenever possible. It makes things between us easy. Nearly everything conversation involves several reflex responses. Things I say not because I want to, but because if I don't she'll get mad. She asks or usually accuses that I want Kristin. I tell her I don't want Kristin. Next it goes to that I'm attracted to Kristin. She wants to hear "She's not attractive", well frankly, she's not butt ugly, but she's not my type either. I say "I'm not attracted to her", which I think would be good enough for 99% of women.

Most of all, she wants me to tell her I blame Kristin for my not getting the promotion, April being forbidden to contact me at work, and a few other things. I don't blame her, Kristin did nothing. I mean nothing! She goes to work, and work happens to be where I work. That's what she's done. I don't blame her, I refuse to say I do.

She wants me to say that Kristin was wrong for going to my acting supervisor. Well if I was a 20-something woman at work and had a strange woman call me up and say "Are you doing my boyfriend?" I'd be concerned as well. I can understand why Kristin thinks April is a stalker. This is not normal behavior in our society, and I hope not in other societies either. Under the circumstance, if the strange woman who called was my co-worker's boyfriend, I'd go to a supervisor as well.

So now I need to be trained. Bullshit. I really need to get out of this relationship. I don't know how, but I do.

Oh, he gave her a copy of what he's requesting from the ins. co. It doesn't mention BPD, but a boat load of other stuff, post traumatic stress disorder, body image disorder, rage, moodiness, I forget what else. April doesn't like the idea that she's got a mental disorder. I honestly beleive that it didn't have to come to this, the monster is out of the cage now. I wish she would have stayed in therapy the first time four years ago.

Or if she would have listened to me when I said "Don't buy the truck for Doug", then she wouldn't have been hanging out with Harry. Or if she would have listened when I said don't buy the cars. Either one would have stopped the chain of events, she wouldn't have been where she was when she was sexually assaulted. Or if she would have listened when I said take the summer job. Because then she wouldn't have been hanging out with Harry, oh, and we'd have a few thousand dollars more to boot. I don't blame her for having friends. I definitely don't blame her for the sexual assault, but the fact remains, if the chain was broken sooner, it would have been someone else. Not that that's good, but I guess in a selfish kinda way it's better.

Later she tells me that I need to be honest with Dr. D. Beleive me I've tried. The last session I was in I was truthful, but not honest. I should have walked in, said "Dr. D. Good luck. April Good luck. I'm outta here." But I didn't. I want to get out without breaking her heart or worse having her throw a fit.  I'm not as concerned about the first part as the last part.

So "our" next session will be interesting if I can't find a way out of my own house by then.

Unexpectantly, I got called into my Boss's boss's office. I have no idea what this is about, but I have a feeling it's going to be bad.  I always expect it to be bad when this happens. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired. Especiallly since it's Friday, my company always fires people on Friday when they can, it makes for easier transitions, we can get an ad in the paper by Sunday, I know this, because I've hired and fired people here. oh shit, I'm gonna get fired.

Well, it's not quite that bad. But close. I'm being demoted. My boss and his boss "reviewed" the job descriptions and I am not a supervisor, I never was, according to them. This is really interesting, because I've hired about a dozen people and I've fired two. I've been acting as a supervisor for three for a while and occasionally my whole department when my boss was out. I have done performance reviews, I have several job descriptions that say they report to me. At least they're not reducing my pay, I really need the money. And the reason why? Cause I can't control my "live-in" so how can I be expected to be responsible for people I work with?

Great. Maybe I'll go over to the market and get hit by a bus. No, that won't do any good, that will just force my mother to clean up the mess I've made.

During my demotion meeting, my boss's boss Bill recommended that I speak with the HR manager about my plan to fix my life, the military. He wants to make sure I'm fully informed about what the company will do for me while I'm in boot camp etc. I told him my understanding is I retain my service time, rank (previously peon supervisor, now peon), pay and benefits. He said it's complicated and he doesn't want to mispeak.

So off to HR I go.

The HR supervisor is quite sympathetic to my situation, but she wants me to talk to the company shrink to make sure I've got my head screwed on straight. Great, not only have I been demoted, they think I'm off my rocker too.  She confirms that I am correct as far as what the company will do for me while I'm enlisted as a reservist, additionally, I get all pay raises I'd be scheduled for and I get my exact job back. My understanding was they had to pay me the same, even if I was pushing a broom. So the one thing I may miss out on is a promotion opportunity or the chance to get more responsibilty with changing my job description for the better. But the good part with that, my job description can't change for the worse either.

The people who called the cops when the kids were sledding's children are now wandering around the vacant property. April called the cops on them. She's must have brains where she sits. She told the kids that she called the cops. The kid said "It wasn't us, it was our parents!". Which is probably the case. None the less, they go home.

I'm on my way home and as usual, she calls me on the cell and expects me to talk to her about what ever I can pull out of my ass. She talks to other people and doesn't pay much attention to me, she just wants to check up on me. I really hate that. Finally, the cop shows up at the door and she hangs up. No love you, no get bent, just "bye" click.

Ah, peace and quiet! I can drive without interruption, so nice. I just wish there was a better reason for it.

About 10 minutes from home, the phone rings. It's her. She tells me how the cop handled everything. How the neighbors who called the cops the first time tried to hand her husband's business card off to the cop, because her husband is a cop in a different juristiction and how April feels vindicated because of that and that she started getting rude and the cop sent her to her own house. As she walked away the neighbor says "I'm home all day, I see everything that goes on" which is weird, because nothing, and I mean nothing goes on, save for a stupid neighbor who likes to watch empty houses.

Then April starts in with "nigger this" and "nigger that". This is bullshit. Yes, the people who called the cops the first time are black. They're assholes. Their not niggers. Don't tell April I said that though, she'll think I'm defending them.

I hope I can move out this weekend. She's got a baby shower to go to and I think that may be my last opportunity to leave for a while.

God I hate my life. 

April went to a different psychiatrist, I guess Dr. D is a psychologist so he's not able to prescribe drugs, where the guy she went to this morning can.

Her appointment is at 9:45. To be nice and thoughtful, I send her a text message.

Love You
9:41 a.m.

She kept saying to me over the last few days "if he gives me anything that's gonna make me fat, I'm not taking it". Well honey, which is better fat and sane or skinny and crazy?

Ah well. She sent me a text message that she was finished.

I replied:

how did it go?
r u home?
Love you
11:20 a.m.

She replied

Not home
CB: 212 555-1212
11:21 a.m.

R u home yet?
Love you
12:47 p.m.

Nothing. 

I go out for a cigarette, call her about 1:10. No answer on her cell. I try the house. No answer. A half hour or so goes by, I send

Sending you a rose
@-->>--
Love you
1:47 p.m.

 She replies:

I am just upset u
didnt' want me to
come over for lunch
CB: 212 555-1212
2:13 p.m.

Well sheesh honey! How am I supposed to know? I reply:

I didn't think 2 ask.
Love you
2:17 p.m.

 She writes back:

U never think
always me
2:20 p.m.

 I say:

U saw me making my lunch yesterday, why not ask me then?
2:22 p.m.

she says:

y me always put the blame on me.
2:24 p.m.

I reply:

No blame just question.
2:25 p.m.

A while later:

Well i think if u cared about my appt u would of wanted to see me.
3:30 p.m.

 my reply:

I do care how did it go?
Love you
3:31 p.m.

It's 5:00 nothing, no call, no text, no im, no go fuck yourself. So I don't know what that means other than I need to learn to read minds.

My mom called me on the way home. We talked, mostly about April, how things are going yada, yada. She has no idea how bad things are.

I get home. I give her a hug and a kiss as soon as I walk in the door. Then I'm taking a piss, April starts talking to me about how her appointment went.
She says, "When I got there, he asked me 'So, what are we here for today?'".
She reples "To get my prescriptions straight".
He asks "What seems to be the problem?'
She says "I'm a bitch". (That's an understatement!)

She tells me that he's taking her off Seraquel and that she's supposed to wean herself off Ativan over the next week. Apparently the 2mg she was taking three times a day has the same effect on the brain as three beers, each. So she shouldn't have been driving and could lose her CDL. But the new guy won't turn her in as long as she stops taking it. This is great, there's a three month supply of that coming in the mail.  She says he's putting her on Relacore for her sleeping/restless leg syndrome.

Then she gets all teary. "He diagnosed me with Bi-Polar disorder. I don't like that". "I could handle that I have a mood disorder, but not Bi-Polar. He says it's because my two brothers have it and my sister". I wanted to say "Well honey, what do you think Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar are? Mood disorders", but I didn't. She says "I have to get a blood test tomorrow, they're checking all sorts of stuff. I need to fast." I ask for how long. She says "no food after midnight". I say "Let's go eat."

That's when I find out she didn't make dinner. Not for the kids, not for herself, not for me.

So I make dinner, something quick, chicken nuggets and french fries. The kids take their plates and go outside. I eat at the table and she keeps talking to me. Then she breaks completely from the conversation to tell me how "you don't care about me." WTF! "If you cared about me, you would have wanted to find out how my appointment went." I tried to refresh her memory, how I sent her a bunch of text messages earlier, starting even before her appointment. Her rebuttal "I didn't have my phone on, it was in the car." And how I called her at 1:10 to ask her how everything went, she shot back "I wasn't home, I washed my car, my cell phone was here", meaning at the house, " it only had one battery left on it". I"f you cared you would have called me on your way home"

Shit! I hate this. It's like arguing with a god damn drunk. No it's worse, you can always give a drunk more to drink, then they pass out.

All right! I've made up my mind. I'm gone this weekend. You go to the baby shower, I go somewhere else, FOR EVER!

How is it my fault that you didn't get the messages! I sent you eight, eight text messages. I called you twice!

Arrgh!

So I get up and do the dishes. While I'm doing the dishes (I'm an awful guy, aren't I?). she puts her head in her hands and starts crying. I get her to stand up, try to comfort her. She picks up the phone and calls her mom. I go back to doing the dishes. I told Madison to go give her mom a hug.

April then goes back to the bedroom. A few minutes later I go back to the bedroom change. I leave the room. Just before I walk out, I hear her say something like "I don't know if I can tell you this" in a tone that says she doesn't want to be overheard. I close the door behind me.

I can't beleive the last two posts aren't even 24 hours old yet.

We were supposed to go to the mall and pick something up she ordered, but since April called her mom and spent an hour on the phone with her, we  don't have enough time to get it.

I don't want to go to the mall anyway. I hate shopping.

I get ready for the next day, since April was unable to do the laundry, I don't have any clean work shirts. If I had know this was going to happen, I would have done the laundry.

I get a shower, get ready to climb in bed.

"We need to talk". The four little words that mean "the shit has hit the fan". So we talk. She wants me to behave the way I did the night before. More "you don't care about me" bullshit. I tell her I do care about her. (This is true.) She goes off "oh, you just care?" "No honey, I love you." (You know I've been through so much of this, I honestly don't remember when that feeling went away.) There was a time when I think I loved her. On occasion, she's herself, the woman I met all those years ago and I feel the way I did. But I'd guess that 8 days out of 10 I do not feel that at all. The two remaining days, I might feel it for several hours.

Well back to the "discussion". She says I don't pay attention to her like I used to, I should have invited her over for lunch, I should have called her when she was done with the Dr.'s appointment. I try to explain that I'm extremely busy because the guy who used to be underneath me was promoted so I have 50% more work than I did before. Oh, and of course there's #3,4 and 6  Making personal calls, taking personal calls and spending too much time on the web, which I'd think includes IM.

Thankfully the new medication starts to really kick in and convince her to go to sleep. But not before she cries on my shoulder for a few more minutes.