Once again, my escape is foiled. Madison doesn't want to go to the baby shower either. I can't blame her. I sure wouldn't either. Which means I can't leave. I can't leave a seven year old by herself. And it's not right to say "Help Chuck pack his shit so he can ditch mommy."

Oh well, I get to spend an afternoon with her, I love her to death even if her mom is going to be the death of me. 

April wakes me up at 10:30, tells me that I can sleep, but she needs to make Jello for the baby shower. How nice? I get up, make the bed, take a shower.

She's back in a mood again. The phone rings, it's Doug he'll be bringing back the kids. At least he gets to share in the joy of her scorn. What's the problem? We had a good day yesterday. We went walking for two hours in a state park two hours from our home. We went shopping, I hate shopping. We had a great dinner. We had great sex. How can she wake up in a bad mood two days in a row?

She finally tells me that she'd dreading the babyshower, because all the attendees are dragging their husbands along and she'll be all by herself. Well, first, I wasn't invited. No, first, it's a babyshower. Men don't do babyshowers. Second, I wasn't invited. Third, since I wasn't invited, I do not assume I'm going. Fourth, I really do not want to go. I really don't beleive that any of the guys, save for the father will be there.

She's in such a foul mood, that I hope today is the day when I can get out, since Malcolm will be at a friends house, Aaron will be with his dad, Madison will be at the babyshower. I'm going to miss the kids like crazy, but I can't stand her any more.

We were out for a walk when April mentioned another couple we know in our neighborhood who split. "I don't think they'll get back together" she says. "She smashed his $900 guitar."

"If you broke up with me, I wouldn't stop there. I'd slash your tired, smash your hood, break your windows.", she continues. "And I wouldn't stop there."

Well she's now moved on from harming me physically and financially to just distroying my stuff.

This is why I haven't just left. I'm pretty good at judging people. I've made a big mistake with April. I fear her, and with good reason.

But I can replace my stuff, replacing my life and livelyhood, that's a different story. 

What a fucking day. I had a mild nightmare, not like the kind I used to have, but a nightmare none the less.

I was a deer, two what I think were dogs were after me, to eat me. I watched them from a perch on the top bunk of a bunkbed knock on my door and wait. No one answered the door, so they began looking for me. They must have seen me, so they start jumping up by the edge of the bed. I'm scared I'm going to die. I grab one as it jumps up by the throat and strangle it. The other, I grabbed as it jumped up, and threw it as hard as I could, then I woke up.

It's 4:37 a.m., so I woke up seven minutes after I was supposed to be at work. Stupid dream. I threw my clothes on, jumped in the car, opened the cell phone. Battery is dead. I turn around, go back in the house, phone's not on the charger. I get the phone out of the bedroom, startle April. Call in late to work. I get there exactly 40 minutes late.

I think to myself, this day has to get better. I hate those dreams. I knew it was a dream, but I can't just wake up. At least it wasn't one where I thought it was real.

I get done, put the cell in the trunk on the charger. That's where I have a working cigarette lighter. I stop when I get a chance and I think it might be charged enough to call April. Bad things happen if I don't call her at 8:00 a.m. sharp. But I think she'd understand because of the shitty day I'm having and she knows the battery is dead.

I call, it's 8:04, get her voicemail. I leave her a nice message and apologize for not calling her because of trying to get the battery to charge. I continue on my way to work.

I called April at 12:30 to see if she was awake. Got the voicemail, as if the phone was off. No problem, she may be taking a nap.

I called her again at 1:00, it rang, went to voice mail. I then left a message at the house. I hope she woke up in time to go to work.

Then I got a text:

I do not want to talk to u

CB: 212 555-1212
1:41 p.m.

I reply:

Y?

1:41 p.m.

 I get back:

Because i found somethings u not honest

CB: 212 555-1212
2:50 p.m.

 I reply:

Such as?

2:50 p.m.

I get back: 

Girl talking

CB: 212 555-1212
2:53 p.m.

I ask:

Huh?

2:54 p.m.

 This text comes back

I found out u been talking to her more then friendly

CB: 212 555-1212
2:53 p.m.

 I send:

Well i don't know what you are talking about

2:57 p.m.

 I get back:

Its what i heard from inside source

CB: 212 555-1212
3:15 p.m.

 Oh yeah? Well I don't care any more, we're through. I'm not going to ruin her mental state for her job, so I'll tell her after I've at least loaded the motorcycle on the trailer. But this is enough. I send back:

Ok just so you are sure

3:28 p.m.

 I get back:

so its true

CB: 212 555-1212
3:30 p.m.

 I send:

No but Perception is reality right?

3:31 p.m.

April sends me an IM:

(4:25:31 PM) so you there
(4:25:31 PM) <AUTOREPLY> : I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(4:25:39 PM) what's up?
(4:25:49 PM) why would you say that
(4:26:04 PM) say what?
(4:26:10 PM) i heard it from inside source that you would never believe
(4:26:21 PM) oh yeah, an inside source I would never beleive.
(4:26:35 PM) i am dead serious
(4:26:39 PM) who?
(4:27:10 PM) i promise i would not tell because you think they like you and they want no trouble
(4:27:19 PM) oh sure.
(4:27:25 PM) i am serious
(4:27:33 PM) ok, well I'm serious too.
(4:27:40 PM) I hope we can be civil about this.
(4:27:46 PM) why would someone want to tell me that
(4:27:54 PM) I am willing to watch the kids when ever you'd like, as long as I'm not working.
(4:28:05 PM) I hope some day we can be friends.
(4:28:10 PM) I'm sorry, I can't do this any more.
(4:28:16 PM) i am not breaking up with yopu
(4:28:25 PM) no, I'm breaking up with you.
(4:28:30 PM) I just can not do this any more.
(4:28:35 PM) I'm sorry, it didn't work out.
(4:28:36 PM) if when you get home i tell you will you believe me
(4:28:51 PM) i am not making this up
(4:28:54 PM) i love you
(4:28:59 PM) I don't know about that if or when business. I can't do this.
(4:29:08 PM) honey i love you
(4:29:18 PM) if you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me.
(4:29:21 PM) if you say its not true i will believe you
(4:29:27 PM) we need to just get it over with.
(4:29:41 PM) no i love you to much i promise
(4:29:42 PM) I shouldn't have to answer accusations at all.
(4:29:49 PM) its no accusation

Really? What is it then? 

(4:29:54 PM) I promise too, I will help you out any way I can.
(4:29:55 PM) you must have misunderstood
(4:30:05 PM) i wasn't making that
(4:30:07 PM) I think I understood pretty well.
(4:30:21 PM) no' i love you i cannot live with out you
(4:30:29 PM) i am seriois
(4:30:35 PM) who told you what?
(4:30:50 PM) i really love you and i promise to god when you get home i will tell you
(4:31:01 PM) i am not making this up at all
(4:31:02 PM) why can't you tell me now?
(4:31:07 PM) please believe me
(4:31:29 PM) i don't want trouble for one, and you to believe me
(4:31:31 PM) did you or did you not say "Because i found somethings u not honest"
(4:31:41 PM) and "Girl talking"
(4:31:49 PM) ok i was texting and maybe it came out wrong

Yeah, right. 

(4:31:49 PM) and "I found out u been talking to her more then friendly"
(4:32:00 PM) tell me how was the right way?
(4:32:02 PM) i am not good at texting
(4:32:12 PM) and "Its what i heard from inside source"
(4:32:30 PM) it takes me awhile and i have problem with what i need to say and Aaron is right here
(4:32:56 PM) we need to face the facts, you are not happy with me. that's why either a) you beleive what other people tell you or b) you make this shit up.
(4:32:57 PM) please understand Malcolm has practice and i will explain everything to you
(4:33:12 PM) ok, take Malcolm to practice.
(4:33:12 PM) no honey i love you so much
(4:33:26 PM) i love you so much i cannot live with out you\
(4:33:44 PM) i gave you saturday night what i believe is so much to me and you
(4:33:50 PM) ok, well I made a trade with Chris for 1/2 an hour tonight so I could get home at a reasonable time and get my glasses fixed and get the keyboard.
(4:33:57 PM) so you better have a really good explaination.
(4:34:18 PM) OK I WILL BUT YOU HAVE DONT HAVE THE RECEIPT
(4:34:25 PM) I don't need it.
(4:34:28 PM) just my CC.
(4:34:29 PM) ARE YOU SURE
(4:34:31 PM) yes.
(4:34:36 PM) OK DO YOU LOVE ME
(4:34:58 PM) i love you so much and need you
(4:35:02 PM) did you say you didn't want to talk to me because I'm not honest with you?
(4:35:17 PM) come honey i didn't mean it like that
(4:35:30 PM) see i get things twisted around
(4:35:40 PM) when i am texting
(4:35:40 PM) you have 1 1/2 hours to make sure I hear it right this time.
(4:35:44 PM) I'll see you when I get home.
(4:35:47 PM) ok?
(4:35:54 PM) tell me you love me please
(4:36:00 PM) I love you.
(4:36:06 PM) I can't stand any more accusations.
(4:36:08 PM) thank please do not be mad at me
(4:36:14 PM) its no accusation
(4:36:21 PM) I mean none. Not drunk, not stoned, not sober, not angry, not any. Period.
(4:36:23 PM) ok?
(4:36:27 PM) i must have saiid it wrong
(4:36:32 PM) ok.
(4:36:33 PM) i will tell you i promise
(4:36:41 PM) see you in an hour and a half.
(4:36:53 PM) ok love you so much
(4:36:58 PM) love you.
(4:37:06 PM) see you soon
(4:37:10 PM) see you soon.
(4:37:16 PM) love you
(4:37:21 PM) love you, bye
(4:37:24 PM) bye

I've been waiting since 6:10 to find out who the mistery informant is.

She finally tells me right before bed. She made the whole thing up. She was mad because I didn't call her at 8:00 a.m. That's why she ignored my phone calls and sent me those text messages. Her mind started running because I called at 8:04 even though she knew I had a dead battery.

What the fuck!

April told me when I called her this morning, at 8:00 sharp that two or three nights ago I was trying to choke her in my sleep. I don't beleive it. I mean I do, because that's when I was having that damn nightmare, but I don't believe I did it. Shit. I explained to her I was dreaming, a nightmare.

She says that's why she made up the story about a co-worker who's interested in me as revenge for choking her in my sleep. Damn I feel bad about it. I really really do. 

It's Friday, it's payday, this should be a good thing right?

Well it's not. After I pay the rent, the gas, car insurance, the one check I have outstanding, I'm 91 short on the overdue car payment. And I still need to pay the cell phone, buy the tractor part for $53 and pay on the storage shed. $250 short total. God this makes me sick to my stomach.

It doesn't have to be this way. Well, it didn't. If she didn't force me to buy that stupid ass minivan, I wouldn't have this problem. If she would have let me do what I planned with the $11,000 I borrowed from mom, I wouldn't have this problem. If she didn't buy two cars that she didn't need, regardless of whether we bought that supid minivan, I wouldn't be in this situation. If she'd let me fucking work a day or two of overtime at the loading dock, this problem wouldn't be as bad.

I can't even afford the $18 to register my motorcycle, which while not legal, it's not inspected or insured, but having an old sticker on the plate is a guarantee I'll get pulled over. Not having it inspected I can probably get away with. No insurance, as long as I'm not unlucky, I'd be ok. I could use to save money on gas. I saw $2.89/gal this morning. Last year I saved $250 by riding it for three months. I'd really like to be able to do that this year. It gets almost twice the milage of the car.

Jeez, I hate this. I don't have anything I can really sell either. I mean, yeah, a pawn shop will take almost anything, at 1/20th it's value. I'm not that desperate, yet. God I hope I never get that desperate. 

April called up a place we saw when we went to get pizza last week to have mulch delivered.

They said they'd be there by 3:00. At 3:01, she wanted to call them to find out where they are. I asked her to wait until 3:15. She called, the business told her they're on their way, they have one more stop, then it's our house.

By 3:30, she was talking about cancelling the order.

At 4:00 she called again.

At 4:55, she told them forget it. I understand the frustration, she wanted to get this done. We could have called them and told them we had stuff to do, just put it in the driveway. Ah well.

So we left to buy a brithday present for her great nephew.