Well we're back at therapy.

Dr. D asks how things are going and I tell them they are improving. She hasn't thrown a fit in a while and it's been two weeks since I tried to move out, again, because she tried to piss me off and succeeded.

Things went fairly well from my point of view. April's point of view on the otherhand, to sum it up, as we were leaving she says "I didn't like him very much today". Which is probably because he put a few questions to her that she didn't like, such as "If you didn't have Chuck, would the you have the same problem with the next guy?" Which she said no, until he messes up. But I think she came to realize that the answer is yes. She was also asked that if I get a new job would the problems be the same. She said no, I don't have any problem with the other people he works with, Just Kristin. She knows what type of person she is, she's a slut.

April also got on the subject of how I want her to work a full time job because Kristin works 40 hours a week. She threw in a few jabs as to how I have to do Kristin's job, which I don't, and that we never had any problems with April working where she does until Kristin started. I reminded her that in October 2005 we had the same discussion which resulted in her calling my mom. 

Some how April got on the subject of the fact that I'm quiet. Dr. D. asked why that bothers her, she said "because I think he's thinking about somebody else." I said "I am quiet, because many times talking openly about stuff with you comes back to bite me in the ass. I avoid conversation because too often when I say something April will hold it against me for days or weeks." Dr. Dr then asked if I'm afraid to talk to her, if I'm reserved. I say no I am open, but on top of what I said before I'm naturally quiet, I'm a doer, not a talker. He turned to April and asked "Chuck is different than you because he's more action motivated and less talkative, so is "that difference a difficiency?"  She didn't quite get the question, so Dr. D. moved on.

He got us on the subject of what's good in our relationship, which we agree sex is really good. It was hard coming up with something else. There really isn't anything else, sorry, that's the breaks.
So he asked me point blank what I like about April besides getting in the sack. I said she's a good cook, which is a slight embelishment, we have different tastes in food, but what she likes to cook is good. She's a good companion. Which he seemed to like that as an answer, I described how I hate shopping, but I like spending time with her so I go shopping with her to spend time together. Although I probably should have just said "nope, just sex, that's about all that we can agree on and is good." I know lying to the therapist is not good, but it's getting her to therapy which she needs badly.
Dr. D. then turned the same question to April, and she was silent. Ah well. 

He breifly discribed a couple he sees who lives in two different houses. She lives in her house, he lives in his. They've been this way for seven years. They can't agree on anything furniture wise except in the kitchen. She likes antiques, he likes modern and since they can afford it, they each live in their own house. I guess they're either getting it on in the kitchen or the backyard. His and hers houses, that could work for us.

April said something like "I don't like how a relationship can go sour at the end". Dr. D. immediately asked "at the end?". I was thinking the relationship has been sour for a while.

Later I said that I think the only solution to the job situation is if I get a job as a receptionist in a monestary. Because I'd only work with guys, they're celebate, they don't talk so no one calls and I could spend all day on the phone with her. Dr. D says "you know what would happen then, don't you?". I begrudgingly reply "she'll insist I'm gay". He tells us we're out of time and he'll see us later.

Something's working, because on the way home April and I stopped so she could fill out a job application for a full-time job. I'm flabbergasted and pleased. I don't know what her chances are, but this is a step in the right direction. 

The upholstery shop called and left a message on my voicemail at work. My seat is done.  I leave work about a half hour early because they close at 5:00.

I'm about a mile and a half away, the phone rings. It's April. "Where are you?" her favorite question. I tell her that I'm going to the upholstery shop to pick up my seat. She says "who's with you?" Which is a strange question, I tell her no one.

She says "What does the inside of her apartment look like?" Referring to Kristin's apartment. I know that Kristin doesn't live in the county any more, but she doesn't. I tell her I have no idea. I turn off the car, struggle holding the phone, my wallet, my keys and try to shut my door. "What's that?" she asks. I tell her that I'm trying to hold the phone, get my keys, wallet and close the car door. I walk in the business.

She insists that I'm not in the upholstery shop. She wants to hear them tell me my seat is done. I'm really starting to get irritated, she's calling me a cheater, a liar and making me feel like an ass. The one technician is doing something with a pneumatic wrench, it makes that disticntive repetative loud thunk noise followed by a high pitched whir. "What's that?" she asks. I tell her it's an impact wrench. I've been standing there for at least two minutes, I'm praying one of the guys will walk up and ask me what I'm there for. But two are busy, the third is in the back room. Sensing that they know I'm in a conversation, I tell her "I'll see you when I get home, bye". I'm furious. A tech asks me what he can do for me. I tell him my seat's done, pay and leave. My phone is ringing off the hook. I don't want to answer it, I'm fed up with this shit. I'm leaving. As I drive away, I answer the phone "You win, bye." And hang up. She calls back. I answer "You won. Bye" I don't want to talk to her. The phone rings, I leave it ring. She calls at least six more times, I don't answer. I've had it.

I'm marching in the house, telling her to fuck off and I'm gone. I don't care if I get my clothes, I'd like my motorcycle. I'm out of there. She sends me a text message:

I love u sorry i will make it up to u

CB: 404 555-1212
5:05 p.m.

 Yeah right. I respond:

I dont knnw

She writes back:

Please i am sick i haue a feuer call me

CB: 404 555-1212
5:08 p.m.

 Yeah bullshit. I call her. Fevers always make me accuse my love ones of doing things to hurt me. She's been talking to my mom. My mom told her that I'm really getting frustrated with her. Mom is far too kind, Frustrated was two years ago. April told me that my mom thinks I'm mad at her. Which I'm not. I get frustraded with her, the real frustrated, not the "I hate you, you stupid bitch you ruined my life." Like I am with April frustrated, just regular frustrated. Not enough that I'd ignore her. I'm just busy. I have three hours of free time a day, I have to entertain April at least five hours which means I have no time to do anything else.

My mom also told her that she knows we are going to counselling. April asks me "I thought you said nobody knew?" Which may have been true when ever I said it, but since then I told mom that we're going to therapy. So I get home, put the seat on my bike and see April's still on the phone. That's the price you pay for calling my mom. So I eat dinner, get changed. April says the reason she accused me of what she did was because she thought I'd pick up my seat tomorrow. It's not like I didn't tell her the seat was at the upholstery shop. It's not like she couldn't see the seat was not on my motorcycle. It's not like picking up the seat is not a perfectly logical explainaintion.

She really does have a fever. I go to the pharmacy to see what she can take over the counter that won't interact with her day-to-day medication. I buy it.

The kids are with their friends. I try to convince her to go to bed. She refuses even though she's loopy from the combination of cold medication and her regular drugs.

Later she tells me that the reason why she was calling me so many times was to let me know about an amber alert. Sure, yeah that's it.

I made a big mistake at work. April IM'd me while I was trying to fix it.

Her
Me
(4:34:37 PM) hey
<AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(4:36:12 PM)oh well i guess you are ignoring me
(4:36:23 PM)no, not ignoring you.
(4:36:26 PM)got a big problem.
(4:36:32 PM)give me 10 minutes or so.
(4:48:22 PM) April has signed off.

I still didn't get this problem fixed. Boy did I fuck up.

(5:10:02 PM) are you still there
<AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(5:12:10 PM) leaving now, love you.

I left. 

(5:12:37 PM) you better be
(5:13:47 PM) did you leave or not?
(5:15:31 PM) hello? 

She calls me as I'm leaving the parking garage. She questions me why Kristin was "online" until I left. I tell her that's pretty odd, cause Kristin left at 4:00 p.m. I have no idea why the online support was online unless my boss was logged in. She asks why he would be logged in, I said "I don't know, he's the boss". She let me go when I hit the heavy traffic. 

When I got home a half hour late, the kids are being really rambunctious. April threatens them they'll spend the rest of the night in their rooms if they don't knock it off. April encourages Aaron to mount this bike lock bracket on his bike. I'm all for it, since I know that April will just let the kids act up until she blows a gasket and spanks one of them. Then she feels bad and won't discipline them.

After we do that, I encourage him to take a look at a push mower we picked up that was set out for trash. It has no air filter and no muffler, but otherwise looks ok. I figured it could be a good learning tool for Aaron, even if it doesn't run.

Aaron goes in the house to get a drink, I ask him to ask his mom if she wants to do anything. He comes back and says "no, she's on the phone, she says it's ok." 

We spent about an hour and 15 minutes messing with it, showing him what goes where and what each component does. We got it running so-so, it sputters and stalls a lot. So we took the carburetor off to clean it. It's gettting dark so I'm rushing to get it back together, just for shits and giggles, I try to start it again. Nothing, no backfire, no run, nothing. So I must have missed something when we put it back together. I'll mess with it later.

April's in a mood now, which is what I was trying to avoid. If I keep one of the kids occupied, the other is OK. But the problem is I can't keep one of the kids occupied and pay attention to April. It just doesn't work. So she's upset because I neglected her.

She insists that because she was going to send the kids to their rooms when they were annoying her, they would have stopped. I didn't need to do stuff with Aaron.

I get a shower, we go to bed. We try to have sex, but it's not working. I've been giving her oral sex for an hour and a half and she just won't have an orgasm. She tells me to stop. It's a "mental block". Somehow for some reason, she's taking this pretty well. Normally, if I can't make it work, she throws a fit and keeps me from sleeping. Misery loves company and she's lonely. Usually. She let me go to sleep. I think things are working. The medication, or the therapy or both, something is working.

Before work, April woke me up to ask me what I was dreaming about, I said "I don't know, I'll have to call you back." in my sleep. I told her that I got a call from a client in a dream. She let me go back to sleep. I got up at 4:00 a.m. just enough time to throw my clothes on and run out the door to my part time job. 

When I got home, it's 7:30 a.m. I have a bunch of things I want to get done this weekend and April wants to do a bunch of things too. Of course they are not the same things. So instead of a nap, I set out to doing what I want to get done.

I welded the hinges on the ramp for the shed so the tractor doesn't scrape the deck and we don't have a 40 lb chunk of steel to move from pillar to post all the time.

I finished fixing the push mower. I went in the house because I had to take a dump. While I'm sitting there, I can hear April is now awake, it's only 9:00 a.m. She goes out in the kitchen, she's bitching because I got mud on the floor. After I finish, I go out in the kitchen. I tell her I'm sorry, I would have cleaned it up, but I really had to go. She's in a rotten mood.  Well, I guess I've gotten done everything that I can do for today now that she's awake.

She's bitching about men and how who needs 'em and going on and on. It would be almost comical if it wasn't so real. Jeez, I thought we had a good night last night, what's her problem?

So I ask "What's the matter with you?". She shoots back "I don't know I just woke up this way."

She says that I stink, she's going to the grocery store so that will give me enough time to put everything away and get a shower. I'm not supposed to touch the radio while she's gone. So I wait till she leaves, smoke a cigarette, use the push mower to clean up the edges where Aaron missed with the lawn tractor and take a shower. While I wait for her to come back, I flip on the TV for a bit. She gets back from the store. I flip off the TV and turn on the radio. It's obvious her mood is back to normal.

I help her unload the car. And we go about our day.

Once again, my escape is foiled. Madison doesn't want to go to the baby shower either. I can't blame her. I sure wouldn't either. Which means I can't leave. I can't leave a seven year old by herself. And it's not right to say "Help Chuck pack his shit so he can ditch mommy."

Oh well, I get to spend an afternoon with her, I love her to death even if her mom is going to be the death of me. 

April wakes me up at 10:30, tells me that I can sleep, but she needs to make Jello for the baby shower. How nice? I get up, make the bed, take a shower.

She's back in a mood again. The phone rings, it's Doug he'll be bringing back the kids. At least he gets to share in the joy of her scorn. What's the problem? We had a good day yesterday. We went walking for two hours in a state park two hours from our home. We went shopping, I hate shopping. We had a great dinner. We had great sex. How can she wake up in a bad mood two days in a row?

She finally tells me that she'd dreading the babyshower, because all the attendees are dragging their husbands along and she'll be all by herself. Well, first, I wasn't invited. No, first, it's a babyshower. Men don't do babyshowers. Second, I wasn't invited. Third, since I wasn't invited, I do not assume I'm going. Fourth, I really do not want to go. I really don't beleive that any of the guys, save for the father will be there.

She's in such a foul mood, that I hope today is the day when I can get out, since Malcolm will be at a friends house, Aaron will be with his dad, Madison will be at the babyshower. I'm going to miss the kids like crazy, but I can't stand her any more.

We were out for a walk when April mentioned another couple we know in our neighborhood who split. "I don't think they'll get back together" she says. "She smashed his $900 guitar."

"If you broke up with me, I wouldn't stop there. I'd slash your tired, smash your hood, break your windows.", she continues. "And I wouldn't stop there."

Well she's now moved on from harming me physically and financially to just distroying my stuff.

This is why I haven't just left. I'm pretty good at judging people. I've made a big mistake with April. I fear her, and with good reason.

But I can replace my stuff, replacing my life and livelyhood, that's a different story. 

What a fucking day. I had a mild nightmare, not like the kind I used to have, but a nightmare none the less.

I was a deer, two what I think were dogs were after me, to eat me. I watched them from a perch on the top bunk of a bunkbed knock on my door and wait. No one answered the door, so they began looking for me. They must have seen me, so they start jumping up by the edge of the bed. I'm scared I'm going to die. I grab one as it jumps up by the throat and strangle it. The other, I grabbed as it jumped up, and threw it as hard as I could, then I woke up.

It's 4:37 a.m., so I woke up seven minutes after I was supposed to be at work. Stupid dream. I threw my clothes on, jumped in the car, opened the cell phone. Battery is dead. I turn around, go back in the house, phone's not on the charger. I get the phone out of the bedroom, startle April. Call in late to work. I get there exactly 40 minutes late.

I think to myself, this day has to get better. I hate those dreams. I knew it was a dream, but I can't just wake up. At least it wasn't one where I thought it was real.

I get done, put the cell in the trunk on the charger. That's where I have a working cigarette lighter. I stop when I get a chance and I think it might be charged enough to call April. Bad things happen if I don't call her at 8:00 a.m. sharp. But I think she'd understand because of the shitty day I'm having and she knows the battery is dead.

I call, it's 8:04, get her voicemail. I leave her a nice message and apologize for not calling her because of trying to get the battery to charge. I continue on my way to work.

I called April at 12:30 to see if she was awake. Got the voicemail, as if the phone was off. No problem, she may be taking a nap.

I called her again at 1:00, it rang, went to voice mail. I then left a message at the house. I hope she woke up in time to go to work.

Then I got a text:

I do not want to talk to u

CB: 212 555-1212
1:41 p.m.

I reply:

Y?

1:41 p.m.

 I get back:

Because i found somethings u not honest

CB: 212 555-1212
2:50 p.m.

 I reply:

Such as?

2:50 p.m.

I get back: 

Girl talking

CB: 212 555-1212
2:53 p.m.

I ask:

Huh?

2:54 p.m.

 This text comes back

I found out u been talking to her more then friendly

CB: 212 555-1212
2:53 p.m.

 I send:

Well i don't know what you are talking about

2:57 p.m.

 I get back:

Its what i heard from inside source

CB: 212 555-1212
3:15 p.m.

 Oh yeah? Well I don't care any more, we're through. I'm not going to ruin her mental state for her job, so I'll tell her after I've at least loaded the motorcycle on the trailer. But this is enough. I send back:

Ok just so you are sure

3:28 p.m.

 I get back:

so its true

CB: 212 555-1212
3:30 p.m.

 I send:

No but Perception is reality right?

3:31 p.m.

April sends me an IM:

(4:25:31 PM) so you there
(4:25:31 PM) <AUTOREPLY> : I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(4:25:39 PM) what's up?
(4:25:49 PM) why would you say that
(4:26:04 PM) say what?
(4:26:10 PM) i heard it from inside source that you would never believe
(4:26:21 PM) oh yeah, an inside source I would never beleive.
(4:26:35 PM) i am dead serious
(4:26:39 PM) who?
(4:27:10 PM) i promise i would not tell because you think they like you and they want no trouble
(4:27:19 PM) oh sure.
(4:27:25 PM) i am serious
(4:27:33 PM) ok, well I'm serious too.
(4:27:40 PM) I hope we can be civil about this.
(4:27:46 PM) why would someone want to tell me that
(4:27:54 PM) I am willing to watch the kids when ever you'd like, as long as I'm not working.
(4:28:05 PM) I hope some day we can be friends.
(4:28:10 PM) I'm sorry, I can't do this any more.
(4:28:16 PM) i am not breaking up with yopu
(4:28:25 PM) no, I'm breaking up with you.
(4:28:30 PM) I just can not do this any more.
(4:28:35 PM) I'm sorry, it didn't work out.
(4:28:36 PM) if when you get home i tell you will you believe me
(4:28:51 PM) i am not making this up
(4:28:54 PM) i love you
(4:28:59 PM) I don't know about that if or when business. I can't do this.
(4:29:08 PM) honey i love you
(4:29:18 PM) if you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me.
(4:29:21 PM) if you say its not true i will believe you
(4:29:27 PM) we need to just get it over with.
(4:29:41 PM) no i love you to much i promise
(4:29:42 PM) I shouldn't have to answer accusations at all.
(4:29:49 PM) its no accusation

Really? What is it then? 

(4:29:54 PM) I promise too, I will help you out any way I can.
(4:29:55 PM) you must have misunderstood
(4:30:05 PM) i wasn't making that
(4:30:07 PM) I think I understood pretty well.
(4:30:21 PM) no' i love you i cannot live with out you
(4:30:29 PM) i am seriois
(4:30:35 PM) who told you what?
(4:30:50 PM) i really love you and i promise to god when you get home i will tell you
(4:31:01 PM) i am not making this up at all
(4:31:02 PM) why can't you tell me now?
(4:31:07 PM) please believe me
(4:31:29 PM) i don't want trouble for one, and you to believe me
(4:31:31 PM) did you or did you not say "Because i found somethings u not honest"
(4:31:41 PM) and "Girl talking"
(4:31:49 PM) ok i was texting and maybe it came out wrong

Yeah, right. 

(4:31:49 PM) and "I found out u been talking to her more then friendly"
(4:32:00 PM) tell me how was the right way?
(4:32:02 PM) i am not good at texting
(4:32:12 PM) and "Its what i heard from inside source"
(4:32:30 PM) it takes me awhile and i have problem with what i need to say and Aaron is right here
(4:32:56 PM) we need to face the facts, you are not happy with me. that's why either a) you beleive what other people tell you or b) you make this shit up.
(4:32:57 PM) please understand Malcolm has practice and i will explain everything to you
(4:33:12 PM) ok, take Malcolm to practice.
(4:33:12 PM) no honey i love you so much
(4:33:26 PM) i love you so much i cannot live with out you\
(4:33:44 PM) i gave you saturday night what i believe is so much to me and you
(4:33:50 PM) ok, well I made a trade with Chris for 1/2 an hour tonight so I could get home at a reasonable time and get my glasses fixed and get the keyboard.
(4:33:57 PM) so you better have a really good explaination.
(4:34:18 PM) OK I WILL BUT YOU HAVE DONT HAVE THE RECEIPT
(4:34:25 PM) I don't need it.
(4:34:28 PM) just my CC.
(4:34:29 PM) ARE YOU SURE
(4:34:31 PM) yes.
(4:34:36 PM) OK DO YOU LOVE ME
(4:34:58 PM) i love you so much and need you
(4:35:02 PM) did you say you didn't want to talk to me because I'm not honest with you?
(4:35:17 PM) come honey i didn't mean it like that
(4:35:30 PM) see i get things twisted around
(4:35:40 PM) when i am texting
(4:35:40 PM) you have 1 1/2 hours to make sure I hear it right this time.
(4:35:44 PM) I'll see you when I get home.
(4:35:47 PM) ok?
(4:35:54 PM) tell me you love me please
(4:36:00 PM) I love you.
(4:36:06 PM) I can't stand any more accusations.
(4:36:08 PM) thank please do not be mad at me
(4:36:14 PM) its no accusation
(4:36:21 PM) I mean none. Not drunk, not stoned, not sober, not angry, not any. Period.
(4:36:23 PM) ok?
(4:36:27 PM) i must have saiid it wrong
(4:36:32 PM) ok.
(4:36:33 PM) i will tell you i promise
(4:36:41 PM) see you in an hour and a half.
(4:36:53 PM) ok love you so much
(4:36:58 PM) love you.
(4:37:06 PM) see you soon
(4:37:10 PM) see you soon.
(4:37:16 PM) love you
(4:37:21 PM) love you, bye
(4:37:24 PM) bye