I've been waiting since 6:10 to find out who the mistery informant is.

She finally tells me right before bed. She made the whole thing up. She was mad because I didn't call her at 8:00 a.m. That's why she ignored my phone calls and sent me those text messages. Her mind started running because I called at 8:04 even though she knew I had a dead battery.

What the fuck!

April told me when I called her this morning, at 8:00 sharp that two or three nights ago I was trying to choke her in my sleep. I don't beleive it. I mean I do, because that's when I was having that damn nightmare, but I don't believe I did it. Shit. I explained to her I was dreaming, a nightmare.

She says that's why she made up the story about a co-worker who's interested in me as revenge for choking her in my sleep. Damn I feel bad about it. I really really do. 

It's Friday, it's payday, this should be a good thing right?

Well it's not. After I pay the rent, the gas, car insurance, the one check I have outstanding, I'm 91 short on the overdue car payment. And I still need to pay the cell phone, buy the tractor part for $53 and pay on the storage shed. $250 short total. God this makes me sick to my stomach.

It doesn't have to be this way. Well, it didn't. If she didn't force me to buy that stupid ass minivan, I wouldn't have this problem. If she would have let me do what I planned with the $11,000 I borrowed from mom, I wouldn't have this problem. If she didn't buy two cars that she didn't need, regardless of whether we bought that supid minivan, I wouldn't be in this situation. If she'd let me fucking work a day or two of overtime at the loading dock, this problem wouldn't be as bad.

I can't even afford the $18 to register my motorcycle, which while not legal, it's not inspected or insured, but having an old sticker on the plate is a guarantee I'll get pulled over. Not having it inspected I can probably get away with. No insurance, as long as I'm not unlucky, I'd be ok. I could use to save money on gas. I saw $2.89/gal this morning. Last year I saved $250 by riding it for three months. I'd really like to be able to do that this year. It gets almost twice the milage of the car.

Jeez, I hate this. I don't have anything I can really sell either. I mean, yeah, a pawn shop will take almost anything, at 1/20th it's value. I'm not that desperate, yet. God I hope I never get that desperate. 

April called up a place we saw when we went to get pizza last week to have mulch delivered.

They said they'd be there by 3:00. At 3:01, she wanted to call them to find out where they are. I asked her to wait until 3:15. She called, the business told her they're on their way, they have one more stop, then it's our house.

By 3:30, she was talking about cancelling the order.

At 4:00 she called again.

At 4:55, she told them forget it. I understand the frustration, she wanted to get this done. We could have called them and told them we had stuff to do, just put it in the driveway. Ah well.

So we left to buy a brithday present for her great nephew. 

April's lementing how the mulch driver didn't get there on time still. We agreed that I'd take the trailer on my car down to another place to buy mulch. I woke up at 10, by 10:30, she's on my case to get it. I'm working on it as fast as I can. So I get there, buy the mulch, get one scoop, bring it back, dump it.

Then I drove back and got another, since it won't all fit in the trailer, come back. She's got the first one done. It didn't help that I had to wait for the dump truck. Anyway, I dump that.

She's going on about something that I've never heard before, that I told my old roomate that it was too hot for her to mow the grass at some point in time. I sure don't remember that.

I brush it off and try to forget it. 

April opened my bank statement. She scrutinized every withdrawl. Two weeks ago I took $120 out of the mac. I don't remember doing this, but I'm sure I did. She questions me as to what I spent it on. I honestly have no idea. She says she knows, a hotel. I tell her I would remember spending $120 on a hotel. I should call her out, she did promise that she wasn't going to make anymore accusations, but it's been a long day. A long weekend for that matter. I'm pretty sunburned. Thank God there was almost no shopping and I got most of what I wanted to do done, buy the part, fix the tractor, mulch, change the oil in my car.

Damn that really bothers me, what did I do with $120? 

I asked did he say "he doesn't care?". She says "no, he only spend 15 minutes with me, I paid $75 for 15 minutes." Then she abruptly tells me that she'll talk to me when she gets home. Which is good, because I'm not at my desk like I should be and she's not supposed to contact me at work unless it's an emergency, which this really isn't.

Later:

(10:57:34 AM) April: you there
(10:57:34 AM) Me <AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(10:59:31 AM) hi honey!
why don't you ever pay attention to see if i am on?
I'm trying to do that and work.
how do you feel?
well i tld you when i got home
I know, I've been looking.
I just didn't catch you at the right momen.
moment.
it took 2 minutes

Because I have nothing better to do than watch to see when she's online. 

sorrry.
how do you feel?
pissd off, irritated, aggravated
ok, so what do you want to do about it?
he did all those dam test and did not even give me all my results
ask Dr. D. tomorrow night, I'm sure he'll give you the whole sheet.
i have to pay out of pocket 211.00 for basically nothing

$211 is just for the lab work. 

so i have low cholestrol
I know it was expensive. but there could have been something seriously wrong, so now you know it's not.
that's good.
i always new i was part anemic
but about dibetes
yeah my liver is good
he was so rude
if he didn't say anything then it's probably good.
you don't have to see him any more.
yeah but about my medicines
do i go backon dr browns
I wouldn't think so.
forget everything there
how would i get refills
mike is home and he thinks he is gonna bother me i am not answering the door

Mike is the next door neighbor's son. He's annoying sometimes. He's been suspended from school, I don't know why. 

how many refills are on your current prescriptions?
ok.
i have 4 requip
5 of the lamical
ok, what arbout the others?
thyroid i get from (the family doctor)
wellburtin (the family doctor)
ok.
when i told him about my monthly problem he is like you need to talk to your family dr.
like i have a diease or something
i told him i was tested once and i was fine
I don't know what to say about that one.
no, I don't think he was referring to you having an STD.
well the only thing i know if i go there and i do you are so in trouble
you been promising nothing ever happed
ok, well once again, how about I tell you this cause you didn't hear me the first time, "you're the only one I've been with in five years, so I didn't give you anything".
can i ask you what do you classify as doing anything with someone?
do you want me to list them or what?
strictly everything, or just kising or oral
strictly everythign.
did you do any of the above?
no.
I mean, I've kissed Maddy, but I don't count that.

Is that an accusation? Cause I swear she said she wouldn't do that anymore. 

what is ark plas products, inc
I don't know, what is ark plas products, inc?
you got something from them
its says merchandise
oh, wait, that might be the quote I asked for for black nylon screws.
open it.

 Yup, I'm asking her to open my mail.

I didn't think they'd mail it.
from arkansas
ok, it doesn't matter to me where it's from, just if they can get me what I need at a reasonable price.
well info in there with prices
ok, I'll look at it when I get home.
well i am, depressed, i think i may asw ell just go ANd lay down
ok, maybe you'll feel better after a nap.
if you wantt to talk, I'm here.
doubt it
love you.
yeah it takws youlike minutes to see that i am on
your so busy all the time
sorry, they pay me to do work, I have to do work or they won't pay me.
that way you can go to lunch and not worry about me
still one man short.

 Referring to the fact that there's fewer people here because of the promotion I didn't get.

have a good nap
ove you.
ok
like i said don'tworrry about me
you won't
I always worry about you.

I worry about you overdosing, what it would do to the kids. I worry about you ruining my career. I worry about you killing me in my sleep.

ok
bye, loveyou
bye, love you.
have fun at lunch
why would I have fun?
you will nice out and to be with yur friends
nice out?
yeah, warm
huh?
what you know its warm out
I have no idea what you're saying, so why don't you take a nap, I'll talk to you at 1:00
like yesterday
um ok, I still don't know what you're referring to, so have a good nap.
bye, love you
bye, love you.

 Jeez, this is worse than a conversation with my mother. Why can't I just be left alone to work?

going outside for lunch nice out
whats so hardabout that
ok, enjoy your lunch outside.

I know perfectly well what she's referring to, but I'm turning it around on her. 

i donot eat
then why are you going outside for lunch?
no, you are
you know, that's a good idea, I might do that
hanks honey, you're so thougthful.

 Yeah, I'm screwing with the head of a mentally unbalanced person. I've run out of ideas. Maybe this will help. Maybe it will make her think "oh, if I accuse him of cheating, he will, if I don't he won't".

yeah i know, you would never thnk to ask me out?
ok, do you want to meet me for lunch?
(11:22:21 AM): to late now, maybe if it was earlier when iwas upset you would ahve wanted to see me but thats ok i am use to it

Yes, that's the correct time. 

don't give me guilt trips.
i amnot butthis is the second time

 Feels like a guilt trip to me.

if you wanted to go to lunch you could have said something.
but clearly you did not, you just want to guilt me with it.

 I'm really pissed now.

yeah i am the thoughtful one i forgot
no, you just wanted to guilt me with it.
like you do every time.
Chuck's got to think of everytihing.
not always
ok, well meet me for lunch or take a nap.

I'm so done with this conversation. I have workto do.

taking a nap
ok, talk to you at 1:00
work first
bye
love you, even though i feel like shit but its ok
well meet me for lunch
you can be here by 12:15
no road work on way home,
leave for work by 12:50, get there by 2:00
it hasn't been that bad lately.
well yuo never home on time
always 610 615
It's still there, but only sets me back 10 minutes or so.
ok taking a nap
ok, talk to you at 1:00
i could be depressed and sudicadl all day and it wouldn
'matter to anyone not just you

 It's official, this does not work any more.

what ever. I don't want to hear it anymore. go to bed or come here.
i am talking about everyone
ok, so I'll see you at 12:15 at Wendys?
(11:27:25 AM) bye
bye
(11:27:38 AM) April has signed off.

 Ok, suit yourself. I really need to get this work done.

I wanna say first, I feel bad about the title for this post, not the others, just because of the fact that she is making progress and one horrible thing that happened to her really is holding her back in this particular session.

I met her at the house, the kids were with their dad so we could go to therapy. She's sorta in a mood, sorta not, I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything at all really. I ask her if she'd like to go for a walk, after dinner. She agrees, we have about 20 minutes to walk a mile and a half. About four blocks from home when it's time to leave, so we start jogging, hop in the car and go.

She seems more irritated now, afraid we're not going to make it on time. To make matters worse, the time our appointment is over, I won' t be able to transfer money from one bank account to the next, so I do that over the phone while driving a little too fast. But we get there with one minute to spare.

Dr. D. is not quite ready for us, so we could have driven at a normal pace. Ah well. April's been saying she plans to tell Dr. D. she's taking control of the session, we'll talk about what she wants to talk about.

After the normal "how are things going" routine, April tells Dr. D. that she thinks the one pill gave her a yeast infection. "Vaginitis?" he asks. "Yes, and Dr. Bug doesn't care." She explains that most of the over the counter remedies give her a worse yeast infection or a reaction that feels worse than the yeast infection, so she needs the prescription 1-day treatment, Dr. Bug won't give her a prescription, he tells her that she needs to see her family physician as if she's got VD. "I don't have a disease, I got tested in September" she says. Dr. D. explains that even the internal medicine certified board sitting psychologist won't prescribe non-psychiatric medication any more. They used to, but not any longer.

She then told him that today she caught me smoking behind the dumpster and that it makes her suspicious. I started laughing as "it's not behind a dumpster, it's at an old loading dock at my company", I interjected. That she asked me if that would be a good place to fuck someone. Dr. D. just looked at her somewhere between inquisitive and horrified. He asked You said what? Why would that be the first thing you'd think of? She responded "why else would he be behind the dumpster? I KNOW he was there with Kristin, I heard voices." I explained that there were guys working on the masonry, that's what she heard. "Then why did they stop when you answered the phone?" she says. I respond, I don't know if they stopped talking to each other during our conversation, but they did talk while I was on the phone with her because she wouldn't hear people talking who stopped before I answered the phone.

This conversation quickly went to her weight issue. I told Dr. D. that I think I may have made it worse. I explained that I read a lot of meat head magazines and I figured if she was going to obsess over the scale, at least she could obsess over something healthy, like body fat percentage and not weight, which really is illrelevant but gets too much focus for its' non-effect.

She told him that she that she's suicidal. Well, I brought it up first, she concurs.

Then she gets all teary, I've been stroking her shoulder all session long, I try to hold her to comfort her. She pulls away. Dr. D. is like "whoa, hold on, what did you do April?" She tells him that I'm only behaving that way because it's in front of  him. All men are out for is to hurt her.

I disagree strongly. She tells him holding back tears and rage that ever since Malcolm did "this" to her. She can't eat, she lost a huge amount of weight, she's depressed or angry all the time. He asks her if she went to Victims Assistance for counciling. She says yes, but she stopped because "He" (the councilor) could help her better.  He asks her if she ever wrote the "victims letter" she says no. He explains what that is and we're pretty much out of time.

We ride home in silence. 

Yup, that's what she said.

Here's what happened. I got home about 6:00. Madison wanted me to play with her. I beleive I promised her the day before that I would, I just didn't feel up to it. So we play. We play on the trampoline, we play tag. She ran into the utility trailer and banged up her shin pretty good. By then it was dark. April cleaned up her shin, put a few band-aids on. April goes out on the front porch, I follow her. So do Aaron and Madison. After a few minutes, April goes back in the house, I watch Maddy and Aaron, they're swinging on the neighbor's free-standing porch swing that they were throwing away. Then the kids and I go in the house. April's in the shower.

I go back out after a few minutes, smoke a cigarette while Maddy gets a bath. 

I come back in, April is in the bedroom sobbing.  I ask her what's wrong. She says "you didn't spend any time with me today. Normally, we get a shower together, tonight I was by myself. I feel like killing them all."

What the fuck do you say to someone who says that? Jesus! do I have her committed again? Permenantly? I thought she was doing better. She's jealous of her children because they spent a few hours playing with me? What the hell?

I get a shower and convince her to fuck, what else am I to do? They aren't my kids, so if I call the cops (assuming they beleive me when I tell them what she said), the kids will end up who knows where while she's in the nut house. If I just go to sleep, she'll get worse. So if I attempt to make up for my indescretions, then things might get better. Half way through, she wispers "I have a knife". WHAT THE FUCK! In her left hand is a small folded pocket knife that I carefully take out of her hand. God I hate my life.