April tried to convince me that she never cheated on me. I told her "don't even try that one." She went on to tell me how she was coerced into getting drunk and going too far.

Um, yeah right. What the guy who sexually assaulted her did was forced, the others, I don't buy it. 

It's Malcolm's Birthday, it's also Mothers' Day.

April kinda went all-out for Malcolm's birthday, as she always does. Yesterday, she took him shopping for several hours, spent a good $200 on him. She went to a specific store just to find a boys "16th Birthday" card. I can understand, he's 16, it's a big deal.

Malcolm got up about an hour and a half after we did. Before he got up, we discovered the baloons I bought the day before deflated. So I went to get more. I should have asked if they would last until the next day, but I didn't. I took Maddy with me. When I came back, Malcolm was up. April was upset. Malcolm was indifferent. I asked what was wrong. She said "ungrateful kid asked to get a biscuit at McDonald's, like I'm made out of money or something!". So I just wished her a happy Mother's day and figured I'd let her cool off.

Malcolm went downstairs, ignoring the card and ballon and after 15 minutes or so, she says "you would never treat your mom like that." Which I agreed. I was raised differently too, but this is the wrong time to bring up that little fire-starter. Another five minutes or so, she says "I feel like ripping up his card". I say " that's not very nice."

Several more minutes pass, she gets up, goes directly to the card, tears it to shreds. Then grabs a knife from the drawer sticks it in one of the two remaining mylar ballons. I think to myself, there goes $2. I've run out of ideas with this woman. It's like a tornado, I can stand back and watch. Trying to do anything will only make it bad for me.

An hour or so later, Aaron was now home, he mowed the grass. He did a half-assed job. So I take the push mower out, mow around the perimeter. April's on the phone with her mom I think, so I didn't do the area where it would interfere with the phone call.

I take out the dirt bike, I'm determined to get her to try it one more time. I put the throttle limiting screw in the whole way, ride it around a bit. It barely and I mean barely goes, so I back it out, try again. Then I get Maddy to hop on it, I push her around the yard with the engine off.

April's off the phone, she's in the house. She comes out asks me if you can sell the dirt bike without a title. I grudgingly tell her probably. Then she starts bitching at the kids how they don't appreciate her, they don't appreciate the things she's given them. They didn't even wish her a happy Mother's Day. Maddy did give her a balloon I bought and a card, I guess that doesn't count.

So I tell Maddy to wish her mom a happy mother's day. Aaron refuses. Little shit, why can't he see this is one thing he should have done? Oh well. I put the stand down on the bike and go up and talk to her, she's in tears. I convince her to go for a walk.

After a while, I tell her that Mom told me she sold grandma's house. Her reply "Finally, she'll stop bitching about money." Which I find odd, because April only talks to my Mom when she wants me to do something, or wants to tattle on me. Well, I never did tell her that Mom would like at least my help in moving Grandma's stuff out.

So we get back, sit on the back porch for a while. I ask "what would you like to do?", she says she doesn't know, then asks me the same. Her guess work in the shed. I say yes. She says "go ahead" and not in the "I dare you to" sense, like she actually means it. So I do. April says she's got to go to the store, she'll be back.

When she returns, she shows me another birthday card she picked up for Malcolm. So I guess she forgave him for not being appreciative of the card and balloons. I wish it was that easy for me to get forgiveness. 

I got up like I normally do, got dressed, grabbed a protien bar because I didn't have time to eat breakfast. Walked out the door "Fuck, the minivan's gone!"

Ah great. I knew it was coming, sooner or later, he was going to catch up to me. Not that I've been trying to hide it or anything but shit.

So I eat my protein bar and scream in my car "FUCK!".

I sent her a text message:

Van repo?
Love you

Seriously, what else can I do? I've tried many many times to work extra hours. I can't blame her for every time that I didn't work those extra hours, but far too many have been because she insisted that I stay with her and (drum roll please) sleep.

Fuck. Shit.

(09:28:17) April: are you able to talk for a minute?
me: sure, what's on your mind?
so did you hear anyting from them?
got a message on my work phone from yesterday, so I assume that's what happened.
but they didn't say wha
i wonderwhy they didn't cal here
don't know.
bastards.

Aside from the fact that they really shouldn't have given me the loan, I can't fault them. I just felt like calling them bastards for sticking me with predatory lending bullshit. 

they called here 3 times but no  messsage
its on the id
of course.
...
we always get fuck over

This one was "our" fault, we didn't get fucked over. 

...
so what are you gnna do about the stupid mini van just let it go or call
let it go, cancel the ins.
i am sorry honey
it's ok.

It's not ok, but not much I can do about it right now. 

i feel like its all my fault

Hmm, it is. I didn't want the damn thing, I protested all the way to the dealership, then I rolled over and played dead so you didn't make a scene. And I'M THE ONE TAKING IT IN THE ASS! 

at least I can park my car in the driveway.
and we don't have to do musical cars when it comes to oil changes.

I really hate myself here. I do. Gotta find the silver lining. If I don't I'll go insane like her. 

but if i would ave done some ofthe bils it may not happened, but anyways to late now

Or got a job, or not bought TWO cars you didn't need, or a diamond ring I told you not to buy, or forced me to buy, not one but two engagement rings we couldn't afford, or bled me dry so I couldn't get my car inspected or a bunch of other shit. 

at least we didnt' spend a bunch of money to get it inspected.

I hate you you bastard. There is no fucking silver lining to this one, you're fucked! 

we will just tell people we sold it
it's ok.
yup.
do the kids know?
what did you tell them?
your licesnce plate will be handed in to the state, and whatever was in the box
i am not sure
what box?
i think i said good they got it

Good for you? Cause it ain't good for me. 

tat doesn't mean anything i could have meant we sold it
club
glub
glove box.
ok.
where the ins papers are
I don't know what was in it, not much.
there wasn't anything important in there anyways
just ins card reg card
right, is Maddy's car seat in there?
or is it in your car?
cell phone charger that doesnt work
no in my car
ok, good.
so they ae the ones who are getting fucked with all the problem
yeah, wish I would have known, I would have dropped a few marbles in the oil filler cap.
had some good ball bearings that would have worked too.

Not really, just trying to get some rhetorical revenge. 

plus you opened the dor the musid doesn';t go off so hopeflly they won;'t notice and the battery will go dead
I'm sure they towed it.
were there drag marks in the driveway?
which way was it facing?

I watched "The Reposessors" too many times. 

yeah buy they still need four way lights on
pulled in
yes
so the front was towards the house?
yes
and there were drag marks in the driveway?
yes
white marks
ok, they repoed it, for sure.
not much but some
i know
i am surprised we did not hear it
because since the drive wheels were in front, they had to pull it that way, if the drive wheels were towards the street, there probably would not be drag marks, because we never set the e-brake on the POS.
me too.
oh well fuck wells fargo
i always put the e brake on
on the floor?
the kids were playing in there on sunday
yes
i drove it around the block
doesn't matter, the e-brake wheels would have been lifted by the truck.
ok
well its over now we have more money for bills
finally get caught up

Because letting your boyfriend ruin his credit is so much easier than getting a job. 

right.
i think we are good on everything anyways
things should n't be late
your ins will drop

Shit, she can see a silver lining too. Too bad it's paid for in gold. 

right.
no moe full coverage
...
it woudl drop my premium by $398/6 mo
$142 for till july.
ok
talk to you later
ok, love you.
bye
have a good nap.
(10:06:07) yup

She calls. I can't answer it, so I send her a text message to IM me. She replies:

Locked ot

CB: 978 555-1212
13:08 p.m.

I assume that means she locked herself out. I go outside and call her. She locked herself out. She thought the keys were in her coat pocket and they're not. She tried the front and back door and basement windows. She asks me if she should break the glass. I say "if you can help it, don't do that." While she's on the phone with me, she says that she can walk to work, she can make it there in time.. I say "Ok, it's only a mile and a half. That shouldn't be so bad." She shouts back "It's a mile and a half! I'm dehydrated and I don't have any money to buy something to drink! I don't have my license, I can't work. My boss won't let me drive without a license." I ask if there's any tools around that could get her in the house. No. Open windows? (because screens are cheaper than glass) No. Call a lock smith? No time. I can't make it there in time, it takes me at least 45 minutes to get there and she only has 1/2 an hour before she needs to be at work. She can't be late.

Ok, I offer her the following solution, Aaron has a key at school, call her boss, who's offered in the past to pick her up if needed. To get a ride to the school and get the key, then go back to the house, get her purse which has her license and she'll be good to go. She says "I'll kick the door down". I try to discourage her from doing this. I hear kicking in the background and then she hangs up on me.

I have a solution! Woohoo! Call her back. Voicemail, maybe she's trying to call me. Hang up, wait. Nothing. Call her again, no answer. So I send her a text message:

I have a solution call your boss get a ride to work i will bring your purse to you before you start your work Txt me back

13:24

 Several minutes later, I get a reply.

 D mn n t w o r r wx a a o u t i t

13:33

 I assume that means "don't worry about it". She probably kicked the door in, there goes $200. Great. Oh well. I reply:

Ok
Loue You

13:38

Then I get: 

Doug getting kids

13:38

Ok, so she didn't get the door open, she walked to work and their dad is picking up the kids. Problem solved.  No, later I get:

Thanks for being concerned walking home

14:50

What? She said "don't worry about it"? What the hell. That's ok, there's still time. I can tell my boss that somebody stole my minivan. That should buy me an afternoon. I send back:

You said dont worry about it what do you need me to do?

14:52

So right now, I'm confused and I'm at work. She obviously got to work on time. She didn't get the door open. So she must not have her license. It's only a mile and a half, no big deal to walk. She drags me out every night to walk that far anyway. I'd much rather run. Which is probably going to be a good idea, so I can stay far enough away from her.

It's been a lousy week. A lousy month, ah hell, a lousy year. No five years.

I've been debating all day if I should leave tonight while she's at the baseball game or not. She calls me at 5:30 "Where are you". Boy I hate that now. Gotta know where I am what I'm doing, who's near by. I feel like a fucking criminal. Then she get's on me "Whats this about a false alarm?". I'm like "no, FIRE alarm, as in burn, buildings on fire, get the hell out." Then she goes off on about how Doug's mistreating her and the kids don't respect her. I cut her off "you're the parent, you're in control, discipline them so they don't do it again." She hangs up on me.

I say "fuck it, today's the day."

I drive home, connect the trailer to the car. A part for my bike finally showed up today, and it'll be really hard to load it without the part, I install it, start the bike and put it on the trailer. Let's see, I need my clothes, so I take them out of the closet, along with my important papers, like my diploma and stuff. I took my clothes out of the closet, and a few other things. And that bear she gave me after Valentine's day with a photo of her from the old house. I say "I miss this girl. She was a little nuts, but she didn't want to ruin me. I think she loved me then." I remember that day. My mom came over with a friend who wanted to practice doing makeup on another person. Something for Avon or what ever. She looked good, I miss that girl.

I put what fits in the car, grab my motorcycle helmet, I go to put the tools back in the toolbox. Before I do that, I take the screw driver holder off the wall, put that in the tool box. Shit, I can't find the latches, that keep the tools from falling out when you move the box. No point in taking the tool boxes if I can't find them. Ther'll be tools all over the street. I look for them. Forget it, I jam a couple pieces of metal in the slots. I gotta get moving, she's called a dozen times. She's on to me.

I gotta get the nordic track, and the clock and what ever else fits on the trailer and get out.

I may have to abandon everything else. Damn it, she's home. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She comes out in the back yard, she's crying.

"I need you, I can't live without you." she says through tears. She drags me behind the shed so the kids won't hear. She begs me to go to Malcolm's game. She wants to know why I'm leaving. I can't tell her "you're an insanely jealous crazy bitch and I can't stand being around you any more. You ruined my life."

I tell her "I'm so stressed out, I can't take it any more." Which is true. She insists I have to come to Malcolm's game. She gives me a small guilt trip that she couldn't stay to watch Malcolm bat because she had to stop me.

Fine, I give up again. I keep thinking to myself, I should have waited until tomorrow, there's another game, it's at least 20 minutes farther away.

She's super clingy at the baseball game. I understand why she's like this. Borderline Personality Disorder people have a severe fear of abandonment. I hate my life. 

So after the game, everything seems ok. I unload the bike, put the trailer away, she takes what I managed to get in the car and puts it away.  In the bedroom, we're putting my clothes back in the closet. She says "oh, you were going to take the cards I gave you." I didn't know, I grabbed a bag that had what I thougth was my stuff, I didn't know what was in it. She says "you would have come back." I really don't think I would have, but if she thinks that, the next time I leave, it might make her feel less lousy. Then she says to me "If you would have left, I would have killed myself."

And that's the problem. Our relationship is built of fear. I fear she'll harm herself if I leave and she fears I'll leave. Suicide is the mortar that holds it together.

April: you know iwas thinking come summer i may work at the loading docks for a couple hours but not enough to screw up myunemployment
me: that seems liek a good idea.
you can go in and apply up until 4:00 today.
so i have to wait until i callthem on my last day and ask them how many hours i can work
call who?
so i do not screwup my unemployment just think umemployment
ok.
plus child support
plus ins. after 1000 hours.
i couldapply and tell them i can't start until june 10
and vacation time after three or six months.
yes, by the time you get in for an interview and they call you back, it will be 6/10
thats cool becasue if we do the pool thing i can sleep there to
yes.
so what do you think
would that help us out?
if you can get in on P&D, you should be done by 6:30 every day.
very much.
would that help make you happy?
little less stress
it would help us a lot financially.
ok thats what i wll do
great.
on monday i will go in
ok.
whats the hours?
to apply
and you get a $100 bonus after 80 hours of work.
yeah that would be nice
M-W 10-6 F 10-4
nothing on Thursday.
yeah today i can;t make it
ok.
i will on tuesday because monday a holiday
unless they are there
I don't know, probably best to wait till Tues.
thast what i will do
that's good, I get paid 3.5 hours for holiday pay on Monday.
cool
i will start at 12.00 after 30 days 13.00
thast what my email said
plus i have to get in ther before the colllege kids
cool, bring that with you when you interview to be sure.
yes.
ok i can print it if you help me
its on this comptuer
but they're always hiring, it's not exactly most people's idea of an ideal job, you can't stand around much.
when I get home.
ok

I hope she does, it will keep her occupied, it will keep her mind off things, it will bring in some more money. But I've heard this before. She's only been on their head hunter email list for about nine months now, I really really doubt she's going to do it. But I hope she does.

Well the day I've dreaded for a long, long time has come. I have to go to court to appeal the driving while suspended sentence that is the latest affront to my legal well being.

I went to work, came home, got a shower, got dressed. I drive to court, met my lawyer. Find our courtroom. He's all of a sudden not so optimistic about my possibilities. Shit, this is not good. He tells me that the Judge is one of the biggest assholes in the whole county.  "You drew a bad judge." He says.

So I'm still trying to be optimistic. He talks to the cop. The cop who I know has a stick up his ass, won't budge. We wait, we watch one of several trials before our turn.

I watched what I have to admit was one of the most brilliant law arguments I've ever seen. The charge: Public Drunkeness. The situation: the defendant was found in his car sleeping across the street from a bar, in his car in the parking lot of a business that was closed at approximately 5:00 a.m. The officer discovered him on his patrol, but was not called. He had alcohol on his breath, was startled but cooperative. He admitted he was at the establishment across the street, but did not say if he was drinking. The defendant called a family member to pick him up.

I can't repeat the argument, it was brilliant. Like "Law and Order" brilliant. The statute:

18 Pa.C.S.A. § 5505. Public Drunkenness
A person is guilty of a summary offense if he appears in any public place manifestly under the influence of alcohol to the degree that he may endanger himself or other persons or property, or annoy persons within his vicinity.

The lawyer asked the cop if the defendant had slurred speach or was beligerant or disobediant. The officer said he was cooperative, did not see the defendant walk and other than being a little slow in giving him ID, the defendant did not display any classic signs of being drunk. The lawyer got the cop to agree that bloodshot eyes and being hesatant in giving ID could be due to the fact the defendant was sleeping even if he wasn't drinking. The lawyer got the cop to admit that the defendant was not around any other people, so he could not endanger or annoy anyone. Which leaves:

18 Pa.C.S.A. § 5505. Public Drunkenness
A person is guilty of a summary offense if he appears in any public place manifestly under the influence of alcohol to the degree that he may endanger himself or other persons or property, or annoy persons within his vicinity.

The lawyer got the cop to admit that he was likely not a danger to himself. Which leaves nothing in the law that was violated and the individual was not manifestly under the influence of intoxicants.

The lawyer stated two different case law cites that a person being in a public place smelling of alcohol is not grounds for a public drunkeness citation. and another one that I forget now. He also argued that we all have the potential to endanger ourselves or others at any time, but none of us are arested for it.

Really, I wish I could repeat it. It was brilliant. It was a waste of his talent to be arguing a summary appeal, but he was there.

The judge found the defendant guilty, dispite the officer's own admissions which summed up no crime was commited and had case law to back up the argument for dismissing the charges.

My lawyer said to me "if anybody should be found not guilty, it should have been him." I replied "I'm screwed." But he tried anyway.

After a conference with the proscecutor, he wouldn't budge. I asked if I could make a personal plea with the proscecutor, he agreed to reduce the charges, but the judge won't go for it unless the cop agrees. So the proscecutor goes to talk to the cop. The son of a bitch won't budge. So I'm fucked.  I'm looking at a year without a license to drive. Great, just fucking great.

We agree to withdrawl the appeal. I tell my lawyer, he's the nicest guy, "I mean no offense, but I never want to have to see you again." Which was kinda mean. I hope he took it the right way.

And as I drive away, I think back to how I got nailed the first time for driving while suspended and how it's snowballed into this. I was driving while suspended on the first day of a 30 day suspension from a court appearance for not paying rent in a car that wasn't inspected because April managed to suck so much money out of me in two years that I couldn't afford $100 for tires so it would pass inspection. Because of that stop, I spent six hours in jail, had to pay an extra $70 that I couldn't afford, borrow money to get out, and get this fucking ticket.

Not only that, I probably would have gotten away with it, if she hadn't bought that other fucking car, because I wouldn't have had to parallel park, I would have been in the driveway, obscured from the officer's view as I went in the house. But here I am, fucked again.

I know it's not entirely her fault, but it's hard to deny that I wouldn't have been in any of the places where I got caught had I never become involved with her.

On the way home, I stop and buy tampons for her.

I got a lot of use out of my old tires. I think they're rated at 30,000 miles. I think I got 40,000 out of them.
This is the first set of actual new, as in new  from the factory, tires I've had in 111,000 miles! I had three sets of used ones installed in between. So the car's at the shop, I got a ride from a co-worker, a male co-worker.

It's 5:10, I'm in the car with him. She calls. I answer, cause hey, I've got nothing to worry about. She knows I'm getting tires, she knows I'm getting a ride from this guy. "Are you at the shop yet?" she asks. I say "no, I'm in the car with James". She says "Are you sure?". I feel so emasculated. I say "Yes", forcefully.

We make a quick stop, he needed to drop something off. She says "I hear a woman's voice." I say "I don't know why." She asks if we're at the shop yet. I say "no, I'll explain later. I'll talk to you when I get home." We say our good byes.

The shop wasn't quite ready when I get there, but fortunately, it doesn't take long. I find out, not only does Doral make cheap cigarettes, they make cheap tires too. I doubt its the same place, but the name thing is funny. I pay and I leave.

She called me back, she's in a mood. Fortunately, my phone battery died and I didn't have to put up with that shit for long.

When I get home, she's still mad.

"I know you were with a girl." She says. I deny it again. I have half a mind to get in my car and leave, for good. She must have been able to tell, because her mood changed fast.

We took the car to drop off her ex's truck at his work, because he was a dumbass and she gives in to his requests to shuttle his piece of shit back and forth. Everything seems OK, uneasy, but OK.