It's been a lousy week. A lousy month, ah hell, a lousy year. No five years.

I've been debating all day if I should leave tonight while she's at the baseball game or not. She calls me at 5:30 "Where are you". Boy I hate that now. Gotta know where I am what I'm doing, who's near by. I feel like a fucking criminal. Then she get's on me "Whats this about a false alarm?". I'm like "no, FIRE alarm, as in burn, buildings on fire, get the hell out." Then she goes off on about how Doug's mistreating her and the kids don't respect her. I cut her off "you're the parent, you're in control, discipline them so they don't do it again." She hangs up on me.

I say "fuck it, today's the day."

I drive home, connect the trailer to the car. A part for my bike finally showed up today, and it'll be really hard to load it without the part, I install it, start the bike and put it on the trailer. Let's see, I need my clothes, so I take them out of the closet, along with my important papers, like my diploma and stuff. I took my clothes out of the closet, and a few other things. And that bear she gave me after Valentine's day with a photo of her from the old house. I say "I miss this girl. She was a little nuts, but she didn't want to ruin me. I think she loved me then." I remember that day. My mom came over with a friend who wanted to practice doing makeup on another person. Something for Avon or what ever. She looked good, I miss that girl.

I put what fits in the car, grab my motorcycle helmet, I go to put the tools back in the toolbox. Before I do that, I take the screw driver holder off the wall, put that in the tool box. Shit, I can't find the latches, that keep the tools from falling out when you move the box. No point in taking the tool boxes if I can't find them. Ther'll be tools all over the street. I look for them. Forget it, I jam a couple pieces of metal in the slots. I gotta get moving, she's called a dozen times. She's on to me.

I gotta get the nordic track, and the clock and what ever else fits on the trailer and get out.

I may have to abandon everything else. Damn it, she's home. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She comes out in the back yard, she's crying.

"I need you, I can't live without you." she says through tears. She drags me behind the shed so the kids won't hear. She begs me to go to Malcolm's game. She wants to know why I'm leaving. I can't tell her "you're an insanely jealous crazy bitch and I can't stand being around you any more. You ruined my life."

I tell her "I'm so stressed out, I can't take it any more." Which is true. She insists I have to come to Malcolm's game. She gives me a small guilt trip that she couldn't stay to watch Malcolm bat because she had to stop me.

Fine, I give up again. I keep thinking to myself, I should have waited until tomorrow, there's another game, it's at least 20 minutes farther away.

She's super clingy at the baseball game. I understand why she's like this. Borderline Personality Disorder people have a severe fear of abandonment. I hate my life. 

So after the game, everything seems ok. I unload the bike, put the trailer away, she takes what I managed to get in the car and puts it away.  In the bedroom, we're putting my clothes back in the closet. She says "oh, you were going to take the cards I gave you." I didn't know, I grabbed a bag that had what I thougth was my stuff, I didn't know what was in it. She says "you would have come back." I really don't think I would have, but if she thinks that, the next time I leave, it might make her feel less lousy. Then she says to me "If you would have left, I would have killed myself."

And that's the problem. Our relationship is built of fear. I fear she'll harm herself if I leave and she fears I'll leave. Suicide is the mortar that holds it together.

April: you know iwas thinking come summer i may work at the loading docks for a couple hours but not enough to screw up myunemployment
me: that seems liek a good idea.
you can go in and apply up until 4:00 today.
so i have to wait until i callthem on my last day and ask them how many hours i can work
call who?
so i do not screwup my unemployment just think umemployment
ok.
plus child support
plus ins. after 1000 hours.
i couldapply and tell them i can't start until june 10
and vacation time after three or six months.
yes, by the time you get in for an interview and they call you back, it will be 6/10
thats cool becasue if we do the pool thing i can sleep there to
yes.
so what do you think
would that help us out?
if you can get in on P&D, you should be done by 6:30 every day.
very much.
would that help make you happy?
little less stress
it would help us a lot financially.
ok thats what i wll do
great.
on monday i will go in
ok.
whats the hours?
to apply
and you get a $100 bonus after 80 hours of work.
yeah that would be nice
M-W 10-6 F 10-4
nothing on Thursday.
yeah today i can;t make it
ok.
i will on tuesday because monday a holiday
unless they are there
I don't know, probably best to wait till Tues.
thast what i will do
that's good, I get paid 3.5 hours for holiday pay on Monday.
cool
i will start at 12.00 after 30 days 13.00
thast what my email said
plus i have to get in ther before the colllege kids
cool, bring that with you when you interview to be sure.
yes.
ok i can print it if you help me
its on this comptuer
but they're always hiring, it's not exactly most people's idea of an ideal job, you can't stand around much.
when I get home.
ok

I hope she does, it will keep her occupied, it will keep her mind off things, it will bring in some more money. But I've heard this before. She's only been on their head hunter email list for about nine months now, I really really doubt she's going to do it. But I hope she does.

Well the day I've dreaded for a long, long time has come. I have to go to court to appeal the driving while suspended sentence that is the latest affront to my legal well being.

I went to work, came home, got a shower, got dressed. I drive to court, met my lawyer. Find our courtroom. He's all of a sudden not so optimistic about my possibilities. Shit, this is not good. He tells me that the Judge is one of the biggest assholes in the whole county.  "You drew a bad judge." He says.

So I'm still trying to be optimistic. He talks to the cop. The cop who I know has a stick up his ass, won't budge. We wait, we watch one of several trials before our turn.

I watched what I have to admit was one of the most brilliant law arguments I've ever seen. The charge: Public Drunkeness. The situation: the defendant was found in his car sleeping across the street from a bar, in his car in the parking lot of a business that was closed at approximately 5:00 a.m. The officer discovered him on his patrol, but was not called. He had alcohol on his breath, was startled but cooperative. He admitted he was at the establishment across the street, but did not say if he was drinking. The defendant called a family member to pick him up.

I can't repeat the argument, it was brilliant. Like "Law and Order" brilliant. The statute:

18 Pa.C.S.A. § 5505. Public Drunkenness
A person is guilty of a summary offense if he appears in any public place manifestly under the influence of alcohol to the degree that he may endanger himself or other persons or property, or annoy persons within his vicinity.

The lawyer asked the cop if the defendant had slurred speach or was beligerant or disobediant. The officer said he was cooperative, did not see the defendant walk and other than being a little slow in giving him ID, the defendant did not display any classic signs of being drunk. The lawyer got the cop to agree that bloodshot eyes and being hesatant in giving ID could be due to the fact the defendant was sleeping even if he wasn't drinking. The lawyer got the cop to admit that the defendant was not around any other people, so he could not endanger or annoy anyone. Which leaves:

18 Pa.C.S.A. § 5505. Public Drunkenness
A person is guilty of a summary offense if he appears in any public place manifestly under the influence of alcohol to the degree that he may endanger himself or other persons or property, or annoy persons within his vicinity.

The lawyer got the cop to admit that he was likely not a danger to himself. Which leaves nothing in the law that was violated and the individual was not manifestly under the influence of intoxicants.

The lawyer stated two different case law cites that a person being in a public place smelling of alcohol is not grounds for a public drunkeness citation. and another one that I forget now. He also argued that we all have the potential to endanger ourselves or others at any time, but none of us are arested for it.

Really, I wish I could repeat it. It was brilliant. It was a waste of his talent to be arguing a summary appeal, but he was there.

The judge found the defendant guilty, dispite the officer's own admissions which summed up no crime was commited and had case law to back up the argument for dismissing the charges.

My lawyer said to me "if anybody should be found not guilty, it should have been him." I replied "I'm screwed." But he tried anyway.

After a conference with the proscecutor, he wouldn't budge. I asked if I could make a personal plea with the proscecutor, he agreed to reduce the charges, but the judge won't go for it unless the cop agrees. So the proscecutor goes to talk to the cop. The son of a bitch won't budge. So I'm fucked.  I'm looking at a year without a license to drive. Great, just fucking great.

We agree to withdrawl the appeal. I tell my lawyer, he's the nicest guy, "I mean no offense, but I never want to have to see you again." Which was kinda mean. I hope he took it the right way.

And as I drive away, I think back to how I got nailed the first time for driving while suspended and how it's snowballed into this. I was driving while suspended on the first day of a 30 day suspension from a court appearance for not paying rent in a car that wasn't inspected because April managed to suck so much money out of me in two years that I couldn't afford $100 for tires so it would pass inspection. Because of that stop, I spent six hours in jail, had to pay an extra $70 that I couldn't afford, borrow money to get out, and get this fucking ticket.

Not only that, I probably would have gotten away with it, if she hadn't bought that other fucking car, because I wouldn't have had to parallel park, I would have been in the driveway, obscured from the officer's view as I went in the house. But here I am, fucked again.

I know it's not entirely her fault, but it's hard to deny that I wouldn't have been in any of the places where I got caught had I never become involved with her.

On the way home, I stop and buy tampons for her.

I got a lot of use out of my old tires. I think they're rated at 30,000 miles. I think I got 40,000 out of them.
This is the first set of actual new, as in new  from the factory, tires I've had in 111,000 miles! I had three sets of used ones installed in between. So the car's at the shop, I got a ride from a co-worker, a male co-worker.

It's 5:10, I'm in the car with him. She calls. I answer, cause hey, I've got nothing to worry about. She knows I'm getting tires, she knows I'm getting a ride from this guy. "Are you at the shop yet?" she asks. I say "no, I'm in the car with James". She says "Are you sure?". I feel so emasculated. I say "Yes", forcefully.

We make a quick stop, he needed to drop something off. She says "I hear a woman's voice." I say "I don't know why." She asks if we're at the shop yet. I say "no, I'll explain later. I'll talk to you when I get home." We say our good byes.

The shop wasn't quite ready when I get there, but fortunately, it doesn't take long. I find out, not only does Doral make cheap cigarettes, they make cheap tires too. I doubt its the same place, but the name thing is funny. I pay and I leave.

She called me back, she's in a mood. Fortunately, my phone battery died and I didn't have to put up with that shit for long.

When I get home, she's still mad.

"I know you were with a girl." She says. I deny it again. I have half a mind to get in my car and leave, for good. She must have been able to tell, because her mood changed fast.

We took the car to drop off her ex's truck at his work, because he was a dumbass and she gives in to his requests to shuttle his piece of shit back and forth. Everything seems OK, uneasy, but OK.

As we enter Dr. D's office for therapy, he comments on how today, we look like a couple. And in all honesty, I concede she is so much better as of late than she was in the past.

She gave Dr. D. her victim's letter, she was calm and collected and there was almost no indication that the sexual assault still haunts her.

She asks Dr. D. if it's possible that when I say "I respect her too much to cheat on her" if it can be true. And he concurs. 

Then she remembers she forgot something, I inquire what it is. She says she still has my shirt that reeks of purfume and that it's a strange coincidence and she want's Dr. D's opinion as to if it's women's perfume. I insist there is a logical reason for it, but I don't know what it is. And I know it was innocent, what ever that reason is. Dr. D. relays how some of his patients bathe in perfume and his wife has asked why he smells like a woman from time to time. But ultimately, she trusts him and there's a perfectly logical explaination.

Well, now I know where that shirt she claims she threw out is. She may be getting better, but maybe it's not as good as I thought.

I'm getting fat, I am. I haven't worked out in so long, I don't remember the last time.
I was on a healthy consistant meal plan, but that was too much of a pain for her, me cooking my own food and washing my own dishes.

Well, I gotta start again, I have to do something. I tell her that I'm going downstairs to work out.

I asked if she'd like to join me, and she actually participated, spotting me and stuff.

It's two days since my last work out, time to do it again.

After I finish, this time she decided not to help or watch, she asks "who are you trying to look good for?" I tell her, "just me". Because that's what working out is about, looking good, feeling good, for me. She's not harassing me out of this again.

I feel good, my muscles are like well done steak, not like uncooked bacon for the first time in several years. They have a dull ache that tells me I worked them hard. And I feel just a little better mentally. She is not taking this from me again. 

I'm taking a half day at work, because I have to accompany her to Malcolm's baseball game and she doesn't know how to get there. I need to go to the DMV because they have my records screwed up again. I tell her this.

So I'm trying to get a full day's worth of work done in half the time. Of course she's got to chat with me for 45 minutes even though I only have 3.5 hours to get eight hours of work done.

So I get done what I can and I leave. She asked me to call her when I left. I don't know why, I feel like I'm being checked up on and it pisses me off.

So I'm driving, I figure I'll call her once I get on the highway instead of trying to talk and watch lights and pedestrians. Sure enough, the phone rings.

"Are you there yet" she asks. Which is a real dumb question, I told her it takes an hour, I left 15 minutes later than when she thought I would because I was trying to get work done and even if I left right when she thought, I'd have only been on the road for 1/2 an hour anyway. She asks why I'm not very talkative, I tell her I'm not exactly sure where I'm going. She asks, "so why don't you come home?" Well duh honey, the longer I let this wait, the more my license is fucked up the more likely I'm gonna get pulled over again driving suspended because I have to drive and my license is suspended because she bought a car with money that was supposed to pay my fine.

She asks where I'm at, I tell her I'm on the highway. She asks if it's the one that I have about the last five miles on, I say no. She asks if I know where I'm at and I say no. She says well if you're lost, you should come home. I say I'm not lost, I just don't know where I am. 

I tell her I know how to get there, I just don't know the best way. She keeps me on the phone for at least 25 minutes and then she asks "are you sure you're not on a lunch break". I say "why would I be on lunch I have a half day" She insists that I took someone with me. I tell her no. Now I'm late, I'm frustrated cause I'm tied to a fucking phone and I'm being accused of cheating on her again. I tell her I need to concentrate on driving and she agrees to leave me along, but call her when I'm out of the DMV.

What ever. So I get to the DMV, wait in line and find out that I'm suspended for a year starting five months ago, but I only get credit from today.  Great.

So I go home, call her when I'm about 20 from home, she doesn't answer.

I get home, I change. She smells my shirt to see if I've got perfume on. Not this shit again. 

It appears she's back to overdosing again:

(10:17:45) April: i slept god cosidring i took 3 activan

Great. Just great. That's like a nine-pack in one shot six milligrams. She says she's going to call the doctor about not sleeping.

She's been having problems sleeping lately. 

She told me that she took six Ativan today.

She said she took 1 at 1:00.
Then two at 3:00.
Then two more at 7:00.

 So she took five (according to my count) in six hours, she took so many, she can't even keep track any more.