As we enter Dr. D's office for therapy, he comments on how today, we look like a couple. And in all honesty, I concede she is so much better as of late than she was in the past.

She gave Dr. D. her victim's letter, she was calm and collected and there was almost no indication that the sexual assault still haunts her.

She asks Dr. D. if it's possible that when I say "I respect her too much to cheat on her" if it can be true. And he concurs. 

Then she remembers she forgot something, I inquire what it is. She says she still has my shirt that reeks of purfume and that it's a strange coincidence and she want's Dr. D's opinion as to if it's women's perfume. I insist there is a logical reason for it, but I don't know what it is. And I know it was innocent, what ever that reason is. Dr. D. relays how some of his patients bathe in perfume and his wife has asked why he smells like a woman from time to time. But ultimately, she trusts him and there's a perfectly logical explaination.

Well, now I know where that shirt she claims she threw out is. She may be getting better, but maybe it's not as good as I thought.

I'm getting fat, I am. I haven't worked out in so long, I don't remember the last time.
I was on a healthy consistant meal plan, but that was too much of a pain for her, me cooking my own food and washing my own dishes.

Well, I gotta start again, I have to do something. I tell her that I'm going downstairs to work out.

I asked if she'd like to join me, and she actually participated, spotting me and stuff.

It's two days since my last work out, time to do it again.

After I finish, this time she decided not to help or watch, she asks "who are you trying to look good for?" I tell her, "just me". Because that's what working out is about, looking good, feeling good, for me. She's not harassing me out of this again.

I feel good, my muscles are like well done steak, not like uncooked bacon for the first time in several years. They have a dull ache that tells me I worked them hard. And I feel just a little better mentally. She is not taking this from me again. 

I'm taking a half day at work, because I have to accompany her to Malcolm's baseball game and she doesn't know how to get there. I need to go to the DMV because they have my records screwed up again. I tell her this.

So I'm trying to get a full day's worth of work done in half the time. Of course she's got to chat with me for 45 minutes even though I only have 3.5 hours to get eight hours of work done.

So I get done what I can and I leave. She asked me to call her when I left. I don't know why, I feel like I'm being checked up on and it pisses me off.

So I'm driving, I figure I'll call her once I get on the highway instead of trying to talk and watch lights and pedestrians. Sure enough, the phone rings.

"Are you there yet" she asks. Which is a real dumb question, I told her it takes an hour, I left 15 minutes later than when she thought I would because I was trying to get work done and even if I left right when she thought, I'd have only been on the road for 1/2 an hour anyway. She asks why I'm not very talkative, I tell her I'm not exactly sure where I'm going. She asks, "so why don't you come home?" Well duh honey, the longer I let this wait, the more my license is fucked up the more likely I'm gonna get pulled over again driving suspended because I have to drive and my license is suspended because she bought a car with money that was supposed to pay my fine.

She asks where I'm at, I tell her I'm on the highway. She asks if it's the one that I have about the last five miles on, I say no. She asks if I know where I'm at and I say no. She says well if you're lost, you should come home. I say I'm not lost, I just don't know where I am. 

I tell her I know how to get there, I just don't know the best way. She keeps me on the phone for at least 25 minutes and then she asks "are you sure you're not on a lunch break". I say "why would I be on lunch I have a half day" She insists that I took someone with me. I tell her no. Now I'm late, I'm frustrated cause I'm tied to a fucking phone and I'm being accused of cheating on her again. I tell her I need to concentrate on driving and she agrees to leave me along, but call her when I'm out of the DMV.

What ever. So I get to the DMV, wait in line and find out that I'm suspended for a year starting five months ago, but I only get credit from today.  Great.

So I go home, call her when I'm about 20 from home, she doesn't answer.

I get home, I change. She smells my shirt to see if I've got perfume on. Not this shit again. 

It appears she's back to overdosing again:

(10:17:45) April: i slept god cosidring i took 3 activan

Great. Just great. That's like a nine-pack in one shot six milligrams. She says she's going to call the doctor about not sleeping.

She's been having problems sleeping lately. 

She told me that she took six Ativan today.

She said she took 1 at 1:00.
Then two at 3:00.
Then two more at 7:00.

 So she took five (according to my count) in six hours, she took so many, she can't even keep track any more.

Tonight we're supposed to go to therapy, we're having a normal conversation, she asks: 

(14:48:39) April: so which way are you going to Dr. D?
(14:48:48) Me: same as last time
and?

And what? What kind of a question is "and?". 

I'll meet you there?
you want to grab a very quick dinner first?

She ignores this line completely, it's not any fun. 

how are you getting there by the directions
i can leavewhenever i am fre right now and Malcolm's dad is picking him up at 430
(Street directions omitted), up the big windy hill, park car, get out, up the stairs, through two doors to the waiting room ;;)))
ok forget eating
where do you want to go?
since you have no idea
just meet you whenever you get ther
ok, are you mad at me?
hello?
here\
ok
no i do not need to eat anyways
so i guess it takes you hour and half to get there thats fine
what are you mad about?
all i ask if there was time to catch a bite bite but you said you will just meet me there so fine
so you baited me into saying the wrong thing?
no i ddid not read what you wrote you ask first
at 249
do you want to catch something quick to eat
I know what I wrote, you asked me which way I was going, and I said "same as last time" and you said "and" (an open ended question that implies nothing) which I replied.
that sounds like a fabulous idea
since you know the area better than me, unless you want to eat at Tom's what do you suggest?
i was wondering so i could figure things out but you said yo go 30 to 83 then queen st then up windy hill
and if you read the whole thing, you can see it was a joke, because I described getting from H-burg pike all the way to the lobby
yeah so you trying to be funny just tld me to forget it
no, me trying to make a joke is me trying to make a joke, they can't all be gems.
when are at all?
when are at all?
just forget it
so where am I to meet you at?
at Dr. D
for one i haveno idea the time which you will be where so a little hard to meet
no i do not expect yu to leave early
where do you want to meet to eat?
i said i have no idea becasue of the time
ok
you have time you can grab omething
thanks sweetie
i will make sure i am there right at 630
ok, is something wrong?
no i am trying to be nice but always kicks me in the ass

so what you're saying is "I don't want to have dinner with Chuck, but I feel like giving him a guilt trip, so I'm going to ask him a question that I know he will answer incorrectly and make him feel bad"

do you want to eat dinner with me or not?
no you just worry about yourself
actually i will let you go and see you at 630
bye, love you
are you going to tell me what you're mad about?
Chuck you know what i wanted and you can see right through so i said just forget it i am no mind reader
I'm not either.
i just thought it would be nice but you decided to make things complicated
I do not feel I made things complicated
all i ask is how your coming home so i could figure if there was time for it but you had that wondrful joke so i said ok i will see you at 630 and you can get on your own this is the first time i have spare time on me but its ok
i have no idea how long it took you last time

Why is it so hard to say "where do you want to eat" instead of "and", because you know how I think and how I'll respond, you just do this shit to get mad at me, you must fucking enjoy it.

I'm sorry I'm not telepathic
me neither, but I'm sure I could squeeze in 15 minutes to eat.
did i say you where
so it willtake you hour and half you saying to get there from work
I don't think so
well i do not eel like fighting so i am going to drop it and i will see you there
ok, love you

No "love you" no "get fucked" no nothing, just disconnected. What the hell. 

I'm driving to meet her at therapy. She calls to ask me where I am. I tell her she says "it took you 40 minutes to get there?" Jesus Christ, do we have to do through this every day? I think.

I don't remember what was said, I wish I did. She got upset and started crying and I wanted to throw in the towel, I can't take this shit any more, we hang up.

I get to the parking lot, she's crying. I go over, talk to her. I sit in the car, she won't talk to me. After about five minutes, she says that she wanted to spend time with me and I do not feel the same. I said I do, and I want to know why she feels that way. Because I didn't want to have dinner with her, she says, I said I did, and we'd have had plenty of time, since we were there 20 minutes early.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and we went inside.

Dr. D. asks us to come in, and asks how we're doing. We agree that today is not a good day. She says she's upset with me. He inquires as to why. I interrupt that it's because I made a bad joke. She says it's because I don't communicate. That she wants to spend time with me and I don't want to spend time with her. I disagree.

She starts crying and I hold her, rubbing her leg with one hand and shoulder with the other. He asks her to close her eyes and tell him what I'm doing. She says she doesn't know. He asks her to concentrate, and think what I'm doing. She says "he's holding me". "And what else?" he asks. She stops crying and says "he's touching my leg". He asks her to open her eyes and look. She calms down.

She says the only time she feels close to me is during sex and that there's not enough. I tell him that it's not like it's not happening, Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday Night, Sunday Morning, Monday night, Tuesday night (today is Weds.). He says to her, in this respect, you know, you're more like a man. And explains that men "want to be held, like a baby" but the only way they know how to get this is during sex. I agree that she's like that.

He asks if she's always been like this, with other partners, or just with me. She agrees that she's always been like this.

He asks us if we'd do something, to finish a story about a couple who lost their "Zing". We say we will.

I've been in a meeting since 2:00, it's now 3:30 and it's over. I get a text message.  I'm talking to my boss about some concerns brought up during the meeting and my cell rings. I can't talk now, so I press the mute button. Two minutes later, it rings again. I hit the mute button again. I get a text message, so it rings again. I throw it in the trash.

I know who it is, but I can't talk now. What ever it is, it can't be that important. She knows I'm not supposed to talk to her on the phone at work anyway.

I finish talking to my boss, I read her text:

Where are u

CB 404 555-1212
3:31 P.M.

 I reply:

Meeting
Loue You

3:33 P.M.

 I'm not any more, but I'm not answering, I've got some things that need to be done by 4:00 I can talk to her then. She won't accept "I'm Busy", but she knows I can't talk to her while I'm in a meeting.

She replies:

Where

CB 404 555-1212
3:36 P.M.

 Where? where what? Then another:

Why u signed off should i come up there

CB 404 555-1212
3:42 P.M.

 Now I'm thoroughly confused . I'm afraid she's going to come to my office and make a scene but I reply:

I don't know why signed off meeting phone off
Loue You

3:44 P.M.

 While my phone is off, I get these two text messages:

 I loue u please

3:43 P.M.

Sorry missed uderstood i thought t meant meeting me love u

3:50 P.M.

 So I finish what I'm doing and hop online.

So I'm back at my desk and I'm working. She sends me an IM. 

 (16:26:09) hi honey
(16:26:13) hi honey!
sorry i misunderstood your message
which message?
meeting
yes, I was in a meeting
i thought you were meeting me
I am, at 6:00 don't be late
*kissingsmiley*
what do you mean
I was trying to be cute, I'm meeting you at home.
thank you
what are the kids up to?
outside
ok
baseball
i love you so much
all of them?
love you too
no ust Malc
just Malcolm
what about Maddy and Aaron?
outside
i want you hre
soon
i am sad
why?
i miss you so much
I miss you too
i really need you
what's wrong?
i have no idea
ok, is something wrong?
i just really miss you
I miss you too
i want to see you real bad
what you
I'll be home soon
hour and half
yup
90 minutes
seems like forever
I know.
i justwant to kill myself

What? I'm not worth killing your self over darling. 

talking to my sister
why?
ok, tell me when you're done
just want to see you
no i want you
and that's why you want to kill yourself?
no i need u
I'm here for you honey
i want you
I want you
i need you
I need you too
crying
why?
so upset
about what?
i need u
I'm sorry I have to work honey
i know

I send her a picture of monkeys she likes monkeys:

http://www.geocities.com/qingli_y/monkies.jpg
i love you
love you
there was a accident
where?
rt 30 west
great, which exit?
sherman
ok, I'll have to listen to the radio, the only alt route is through the city that I know
it may be clear up by then
I hope
about 30 minutes ago
ok, it may clear by then.
Madison wants to go moonlight swim
ok
cheaper than bowling
yup
10 more minutes
yup
i need you
I'll be home soon
you did go over for coffee
is that the meeting
no I didn't go, I didn't think the meeting would take that long
]really
really
love u
love you
when u gonna be here
as soon as I get there, I'm hoping for around 6:00
i hope so to
so yu ready to come home
i will see you then
its 500
yes it is, love you
love you
se you soon
see you soon
bye
bye

So I go home, we go to moonlight swim. Everything is honkey dorie. Or so I thought. I'm tired, real tired, I've had about 15 hours of sleep since Monday. She looks at me and says "you can go home and sleep if you want." I tell her I'm ok, I'll make it. It really doesn't matter, because she drove, so for me to go home, I'd need her to drive and take the car back to watch the kids. It's not practical.

We're talking, she says "I think I'm going to call and see if I can trade my ring in for a necklace and ear rings." I ask why. She says "Because I was talking to my sister and she said "April don't marry him." Wow, finally, some sensible advice. Except the trade in part.
For the first time in a long time, she's not seeing me with rose colored glasses, I'm not the guy for her. She says "I just want this so bad". Fortunately, one of the kids comes up and distracts her, I do not want to have this conversation in public, or anywhere for that matter.

Then she says "I want to go on vacation, to get our 'Zing-zang' back".I want you to take off the loading docks tonight. I tell her I can't. This really pisses me off, she tells me hours before she wants me to take vacation time and we don't have the money any way.

She gets busy with the kids, I lay back and try to take a nap.

I think I slept for a whole 10 minutes, then someone was waking me up telling me it's time to go.