We're sitting on the couch before dinner, out of the blue, she says to me "you're gonna need more than $10 for the party". I say "maybe 15". She says "no, there's a hotel attached to the restaurant", which is news to me. "They have really fine food, the menu is expensive, I looked it up on the 'net". "You were planning on slipping away from the group with Kristin." She continues "I know exactly where it is, I'm going go over there and if she's there, I'm gonna kick her ass."

I reassure her once again I am not going. I can't go, regardless of who attends, she's going to show up and embarass me. I'm not going through that.

Later she says to me "I've been thinking...", which is always a bad thing, "you go to the party, she gets close to you, tries to kiss you, what are you gonna do?" I say "politely decline." She says "but it's been a week, because of my problem..." (she had a bladder infection) "so you're gonna take her up on it." I say "no, you haven't had it for a week either, what if Doug comes up to you", she says "that's different". I say "it's the same logic." She starts crying. I ask her why. She says "I'm depressed". I ask her to elaborate. She says she just wants to hurt someone. (Most likely Kristin). So I take her downstairs, get her to put the bag gloves on and go a few rounds with the punching bag. She does, for about 10 minutes, which is a hell of a long time. Two minutes is a long time, 10 is extraordinary.

Before bed, she goes back to the bedroom, after 10 minutes or so, I come back too to get ready for bed. She's laying on the bed, crying. "We need to break up." I've been through this so many times and want so desperately to say "yes we do", but I fear for my job, my co-workers and somewhat my life. So I'll never say it when I'm alone with her. I ask "is that what you want?" She says "no, but I'm holding you back, you can't do what you want to do." I hold her, tell her not to worry about it, I'm not going to the farewell party. We get changed and go to bed. 

 I'm working and I get an IM:

(16:05:58)are you were
are I were?

I'm trying to be funny, It didn't work. 

duh
why be smart about it
I don't know what you mean.
i tld you i would let you know my decision
usually your hi hiney
oh, ok, and your decision?
hi honey!
like it matters now
since your in a moood just go

I think she has it backwards as to who is in a mood. 

I'm not in a mood, I was asking a question
no usualy sweet when i im you
so ust go an dhave fun
you asked a funny question, that's why I asked what you meant.
i always say that
you've never asked " are you were"
because i neve rknw if your there or outside
well just remember i am on a pill
ok, what's up?
i said ust go and have fun
ok, thank you sweetie
whatever
feel better since you talked to your sister?
i ddi not talk to her
ok
so what changed your mind?
if you do anything its your problem and if i lose then i do
and what changed your mind?
what i do not matter your co-worker is more
yimportant
and you guys just liked talked all the time
huh?

More important than what? 

so your such good friends why not
i was in a good mod but you had to be smart about it when i ask yu
where u were
i was just asking
a question
i was trying so hard
but normally you ask "are you there", you asked "are you were" which I didn't realize was a typo
i was gonna kep myself content with working out and shit
that's good.
well like i said i am on a new pill
I'm sorry I misunderstood.
i got the kids pizza
i was really trying
that's good.
yeah and now i am upset
why?
so the question was if you do somerthing wrong and i lose u you had no compant
\so like that really made me feel secured
that's a good way of thinking.
no it wasn't
you should have said you will never lose me
nowq i have to worry
you never have anything to worry about
yeqah i had to tell you that its not from your heart
it is.
what else is on your mind?
i am just so upset
about what?
the way you treated me
how did I treat you?
you made me upset when i said about losing yu and if you do something bad you had no compent other then saying i was thinking good, like it is what you want
I do want you to think positive.
i wasthinking positive nad now i do not know
why not?
so you want me to worry about losing you
because it is good to you
no, I want you not to worry.
well i will now
i was thinking i would have you all to myself tomorrow and the weekend, and it would only be about hour difference tonight that was what i was thnking
that's good.
but now i am upset
so therefore it gonna be harder on me
I don't understand why.
because basicaly you said our gonna leave me
no I said no such thing.
well i am getting off and have a good time at the party see you at 700 or so

Seven huh? I said 7:30 the day before. 

show me where I said it.
the positive thing i did not like that
about losing you and you do something bad
i was really belieiving in you
I didn't mean "it's a positive thing that I'm leaving you", I meant "it's positive that your're thinking I'm not leaving you".
i got he kids pizza and we were gonna work out and if i got to be a mess i was gonna cal my sister
that's good.
thinking it would help pass the time
since you promise me 700 or so but you made promises brfore to
I said by 7:30
so now i am tinking negative
why?
becasue you hurt my feelings
i knw your gonna drink and lose tme and be late
I don't know how I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.
so you can spend money there an d i will do the weekend right?
we'll figure it out.
NO, YOU KNOW YOUR GONNA SPEND ABOUT 30.. there
$30 isn't that much.
you know your gnna have a drink or so
but I said $15
yes it is
when we have plans for the weekend
i really just want to get off here and go and have a good time and see you at 730
ok.
i mean you have a good time
love you.
don't worry about me
just have fun with all your friends
I always worry about you.
well don't, you know other peolpe there are gonna have there boyfriends or girflfriends there and i couldn't come because your afraid what i would do with Kristin
no, but any way.
you know it
I do?
you know the people who are going there
no.
you said allie, tim, tracie, then you stop
it was yesterday
there were about a half dozen people on the list.
well see you at 730 you better be here by then
have a god time
love u, miss u
love you.
I will
miss you too.
(16:41:13) April has left the conversation.

So after this exchange I decide not to go. It's just too difficult and not worth it. 

Like I said, I decided not to go. But I didn't tell her either.

I get home, no one is there. I'm getting nervous that she decided to show up there to check on me, or some stupid shit. I wait and wait. Nothing.

I check the phone log, she called someone at 20 minutes before I normally get home, there's no way she's there yet. 

So I send her a text message. This way if she decided to go there, she'll know I'm home and won't humiliate me by showing up uninvited.

She says she's out shopping and will be back soon. In the mean time, I eat a few slices of pizza that are left over.

She gets home, I say "Hi honey!". She says "get out to the pizza, you already ate." I explain that I didn't go. She says you weren't home at 6:00 like usual. I tell her there was an accident, which there was. She would have known if she tried to go to the restaurant, thankfully she didn't.

She says "you came home because you're guilty. You were gonna do something, but changed your mind, that's why you came home.". I say "yeah right.".

After a few tense minutes, she finally calms down and I wish I would have gone. 

I went on a mini-vacation with her, just as I said I would. We're driving near the beach, trying to find a spot to park. We've circled the block once.

She starts getting really irritated, saying that we should go back to the beach we went to the day before where we paid $8 to park. I say "we'll find something". I try a little farther away so we don't have to worry about a meter. She says "I'm not walking that far", it's four blocks!. So I find a metered spot, Two blocks away. $0.25/12 minutes. I have a quarter, I say "we've got 12 minutes to get change." She says "I'm not coming back out every 12 minutes." I tell her that we put a bunch of quarters in, up to eight hours worth. She says "you get change, I'll stay here." So I try for a spot that's closer to where I know there's some source of change, even though I'd bet money that we could find one that's just as close to where we are. It's not worth the hassle.

Then I find one, we feed the meter $5.25 which is good for four hours and 12 minutes. I get sunburned, bad while I wait for her to decide on something else to do besides bake in the sun.

About three hours and 15 minutes later, she decides that she's had enough of the kids behind us talking about who they fucked last night, let's do the boardwalk and get some souveniers for the kids. So we do, then drive to another boardwalk to check it out. Fortunately, we can park there for free. Then we go back to the hotel so I can nurse my wounds. 

April had read my "homework" earlier in the week and became really upset about it in her usual fashion. I don't recall what happened, but I do remember that she was very sneaky about it. I was running on the treadmill and she came downstairs crying and stuff.

Well, todays' the day that we're supposed to turn in our homework, April wants Dr. D. to read mine right away. He does, I believe is rather taken by the names I've chosen and I tell him I stumbled upon them accidentally, but due to their meaning, seemed rather appropriate. He continues reading and upon finishing comments that it's a good sign. He isn't interested in reading hers at the moment. I myself am curious, but I'm willing to forgo reading it. Perhaps I'll see it in the future.

April, almost demands to know why I won't marry her then. Dr. D. asked us to take a test. It's about 20 questions long, and is basically a "I am very much like this answer, or very much unlike it", it's on a scale of 1-7, or 1-5, I forget which.

It determines your attachment style: secure, preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. As it turns out, my highest scores are secure (27) and dismissive (25). Which explains why I'm comfortable as things are, but the moment they get too difficult, I'm out. April as it turns out is fearful (35), which explains why she's so damn clingy and suspicious.

Dr. D. explains that we should just leave things be. If my attachment style was primarily dismissive, it would never work. But my being primarily secure, it's a good thing.

I explain that I see absolutely no benefit to marriage, however, I do see lots of risk.

Unfortunately, I didn't write this entry soon enough, so I forget most of the session.

 She went to see the psychiatrist today.

(15:54:27) hey i need to talk to you
reAL importaant
(15:54:52) hi honey!
what's up?
i have really bad news
what do you mean?
i am crying un front of the kids
from the dr
what's the bad news?
i don't know if i can say over the computer
i do not know what i am going to do
what do you mean?
first of all i broke my cell but Aaron works
so he put his in my phone
thats minor
well i am put on another pil and that is the real bad news
yes that is minor.
why?
because for 30 days 429.89
holy shit, what is it?
so how i am gonna afford all this
we'll figure it out.
abilifty
is that with insurance?
yes
what is the stuff made out of gold?
AND ITS TOHELP with my behavior
did they at least give you a starter pack so we can see if it works?
no statrer pack
had to pay for it at giants
so i had to put it on my charge
ok.
what is the name of the pill?
i gave it to you
oh, abilifty
abilifty
5 mg
so right now i am a mess
plus the lamitcal 123.00
plus the clozpam
plus thryoid
ok, calm down, we'll make everything work.
what else it ther
wellbutrin
i know there is 6 pills
so i can no longer get the clozpam from dr b i have to get that from dr.may
ok.
you said 5mg, right?
he ask if i am having sudical thought. so i said
i was being honest
you should be honest.
here's a place you can get 90 days for $375
i told him how we get along, and that i need to get away from the kids for away
http://www.canadadrugsonline.com/DrugMoreInfo2648.aspx
and thAT we need a get away abd i told him that we had a small one
what i am to do
first, relax.
we'll deal with this, we always do.
how can i relax
so instead of $500/mo, it's more like $125/mo
and $125 isn't that bad.
the kids are already on my nerves
they are not doing anything
i told him i am losing everything that i need
it's ok, everything will work out.
no i am talking about us
we'll be ok.
what do you mean ok
so you are thinking about leaving me aren't you?
no
I'm trying to get a logo for a website and it's not working.
so your one bank account was ok it was the other that wasn't at first she couldn;t figure it out
it is.
so you have 2.97 in one account and the other i have no idea
thank you sweetie.
if you thinks bout it i realy have no purpose here, i have kids that i can

t afford, losing a boyfriend why live?
yes you do.
oh stop.
gotta get something off the printer
back
ok
everything will work out, it always does.
the dr makes no sense putting me on someting that could cause sucidel affects,deyhyration
i canot exercise anymore because over exceration
hurting muslcels
goes on and on
over sweating
keep exercising, if you experience those problems, then worry about it.
i am already what 119 punda
what am i to do?
besides, you don't sweat much anyway.
no i amnot it says not to
ok.
swelling of arms
al kinds of shit
severe dizziness, do not drive
don't worry about it.
and i have to take one
you know me i will
don't worry about it.
take one now, I'll be home soon.
how would you like being in debt just medcations?
its not worth it
i returned the kids clothing also
did you read the link I sent you?
no
that brings it down to $125/mo
ok, so there's one less thing to worry about.
and you can probably get the other stuff you take cheaper too.
everthing he puts me on has no generics
wexcept thyroid
brb, (a person with a lot of weight in the company)
as far as the clozpam i have to always see the neruo i cannot get presciption from him for that
carb/levo
back
ok
do you relize how hard this is for me?
all from (the guy who assaulted her)
everything will be ok.
so you thought i had no apetite before oi really will not now, i willend up in the hospital
i am gonna have a nervous break down i can feel it coming on
don't worry about it.
i ask Doug if he had anyvacation days and he idn't know
i told him they put me on another pill and my nerves are shout]
oh, hey speaking of Doug
life is not fair
it occurred to me.
you know how he borrowed money off you a while ago and said he was gonna pay it back, but didn't?
and how he borrowed money off me and said he was gonna pay it back but didn't?
i do not remember honestly
well if you don't remember, don't worry about it.
i really do not remeber
you have no idea how i could use a hug from u
I'll be home soon.
not soon enough
*kissingsmiley*
i feel liek no one has the correct answer for me
give it time.
i do not know if i will be here when school starts, thats how i fel
everything will be ok.
well Doug is here to pick up Aaron and Malcolm went to football
ok
i have no idea for supper
i have no appeteti
we'll figure it out.
ou can eat, i am not
so are you real usy
busy
I'm trying to get one last thing done so I can leave a little early.
really
really.
well this depressed woman can let you go
see you when you get home
love u
i guess your to busy
love you, see you soon.
no, I was typing.

I don't know where the rest of the conversation went, the log ends. She may have logged out when she realized that the more we talk, the later I leave, which means the later I get home.

I think I've found the solution to one of our problems. When we go on long trips, well, when we go in the car, we often get in discussions that lead to her "thinking". I found the solution.

We took a trip which was roughly 200 miles round trip on the motorcycle. Since she's directly behind me, wearing a helmet with the wind rushing by at highway speeds, we can't talk. Her only option is to hold on tight as we move through traffic. We did stop twice on the way up, once at my mom's house to feed the pets (she was away for the weekend) and again later for dinner on the way up. On the way back, we stopped at least once.

Well the whole time, she seemed very content. I don't know if it's a woman thing, being able to hold on to her partner for an hour straight, or if it's the type of pleasure I get from piloting the motorcycle, or different scenery, or perhaps just a whole different experience, but it worked.

She told me at the last rest stop on the way home, she was thinking, "good thoughts" and she wanted to talk to me about them when we got home. 

As I said, she told me she was thinking "good thoughts" and she wanted to talk to me.

We're laying in bed, I'm holding her. She tells me how she realizes now that her behavior in the past has been very abnormal. She is very sorry about everything that has happened, and she doesn't understand why I stayed with her all this time, but is glad I did. She knows our relationship strained ties with my family and friends. She knows her confronting Kristin over the phone cost me the promotion. As she begins tearing up, she tells me that she won't let it happen again, she is very lucky to have me.

I tell her, "it's OK." Even though I feel everything is not OK, but for the moment, it is. 

We've had three therapy sessions during which Dr. D. commented on her positive progress.

During these three sessions only once she's threatened my job. She has threatened to stop taking all her medication, Dr. D's response was "The day you stop taking your medication is the day Chuck should leave you".  And once when April prompted Dr. D with the question "what should I do if Chuck tries to leave?", he responded "let him go".

This session, she brought up our "conflicting" definitions of trust. Hers: everything is an open book. Mine: I open the book and she reads it, and it bites me in the ass.  For instance, I mentioned the time I couldn't account for $120 I withdrew from the MAC machine. Which she chimed in that she thinks it went to pay for a hotel room, I mistakenly said "that's exactly where it went". Referring to the conversation, not the money. I have no idea where the money went, but it wasn't a hotel room.  And that's why I don't want her in my personal papers.

We got on the subject of guarantees. That she has no guarantee that I'll stay with her, and nobody has this type of guarantee. Dr. D. said "I don't, my wife doesn't, my son doesn't my daughter-in-law doesn't". I chimed in about a guy at my work, I don't know him, but four days ago, he came to work, had an anurism and that's it. Dead. He didn't expect that. Life has no guarantees.

About 30 minutes into the session Dr. D. brought up that when you go to therapy for so long, you don't get any benefit, you just kinda go over the same thing again and again. And April feels this way too.  He's suggested cutting therapy back from every two or three weeks to once a month, see how things go. We agree, say our good byes and leave.

I don't think Katherine has been completely excised, but I think she's well on her way out, thanks to a good dedicated therapist, and medication.

She was supposed to see the Psychiatrist today about renewing her prescriptions. I told her afterwards, why not meet me for lunch? She said depends on how she feels.

He was sick. So, she asks me if we can still get together for lunch. Sure. We're supposed to meet at 11:45. I was in a short meeting that ran a little too long, so I rushed to get there. At precisely 11:46 she called me to ask where I was. I couldn't answer, because I was at the traffic light across the street from the restaurant on the motorcycle. The light hadn't changed yet, at 11:47 she called me. The light turned green, I drove accross the street and into the parking lot. She says "you're five minutes late, who did you have to kiss good bye. I was about to leave." Well for starters, I'm two minutes late, not five. Second, what the fuck? This is how she acts the day after our "maybe you don't need therapy as frequently" session?

I feel like telling her to get lost, I'll find somebody to kiss to make her happy, and not have to deal with her.

I told her to knock it off and started walking towards the restaurant.

A little later, she tells me that she hasn't taken her one pill, cause the doctor was sick and she doesn't have any more. She also told me that she's not going to take any more, she'd rather do something else with the $140 a month. I can understand that it's expensive, but I wonder, which is better, poor and sane, or rich and crazy?

I have no idea what else to do with her, I tell her I support her decision and I hope it works. I'm very afraid that it won't.

It's now 55 minutes into my lunch hour, it took me 10 minutes to get there, which means if I leave right this minute, I'll be five minutes late getting back from lunch. She asks me "why are you in such a hurry to get back? Who are you missing?"

For some stupid reason, I hang around a few more minutes. I ask her to pick up a part for her car that I ordered, the shop is a mile away from where we are, with one turn directions. She agrees.

Finally, she says she'll let me get back to work. Work that I should have been back to 15 minutes ago.

I hope the withdrawal is making her cranky, cause if it's that noticeable that she didn't take one pill, we're back on the roller coaster.