April had read my "homework" earlier in the week and became really upset about it in her usual fashion. I don't recall what happened, but I do remember that she was very sneaky about it. I was running on the treadmill and she came downstairs crying and stuff.
Well, todays' the day that we're supposed to turn in our homework, April wants Dr. D. to read mine right away. He does, I believe is rather taken by the names I've chosen and I tell him I stumbled upon them accidentally, but due to their meaning, seemed rather appropriate. He continues reading and upon finishing comments that it's a good sign. He isn't interested in reading hers at the moment. I myself am curious, but I'm willing to forgo reading it. Perhaps I'll see it in the future.
April, almost demands to know why I won't marry her then. Dr. D. asked us to take a test. It's about 20 questions long, and is basically a "I am very much like this answer, or very much unlike it", it's on a scale of 1-7, or 1-5, I forget which.
It determines your attachment style: secure, preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. As it turns out, my highest scores are secure (27) and dismissive (25). Which explains why I'm comfortable as things are, but the moment they get too difficult, I'm out. April as it turns out is fearful (35), which explains why she's so damn clingy and suspicious.
Dr. D. explains that we should just leave things be. If my attachment style was primarily dismissive, it would never work. But my being primarily secure, it's a good thing.
I explain that I see absolutely no benefit to marriage, however, I do see lots of risk.
Unfortunately, I didn't write this entry soon enough, so I forget most of the session.
(15:54:27) hey i need to talk to you reAL importaant (15:54:52) hi honey! what's up? i have really bad news what do you mean? i am crying un front of the kids from the dr what's the bad news? i don't know if i can say over the computer i do not know what i am going to do what do you mean? first of all i broke my cell but Aaron works so he put his in my phone thats minor well i am put on another pil and that is the real bad news yes that is minor. why? because for 30 days 429.89 holy shit, what is it? so how i am gonna afford all this we'll figure it out. abilifty is that with insurance? yes what is the stuff made out of gold? AND ITS TOHELP with my behavior did they at least give you a starter pack so we can see if it works? no statrer pack had to pay for it at giants so i had to put it on my charge ok. what is the name of the pill? i gave it to you oh, abilifty abilifty 5 mg so right now i am a mess plus the lamitcal 123.00 plus the clozpam plus thryoid ok, calm down, we'll make everything work. what else it ther wellbutrin i know there is 6 pills so i can no longer get the clozpam from dr b i have to get that from dr.may ok. you said 5mg, right? he ask if i am having sudical thought. so i said i was being honest you should be honest. here's a place you can get 90 days for $375 i told him how we get along, and that i need to get away from the kids for away http://www.canadadrugsonline.com/DrugMoreInfo2648.aspx and thAT we need a get away abd i told him that we had a small one what i am to do first, relax. we'll deal with this, we always do. how can i relax so instead of $500/mo, it's more like $125/mo and $125 isn't that bad. the kids are already on my nerves they are not doing anything i told him i am losing everything that i need it's ok, everything will work out. no i am talking about us we'll be ok. what do you mean ok so you are thinking about leaving me aren't you? no I'm trying to get a logo for a website and it's not working. so your one bank account was ok it was the other that wasn't at first she couldn;t figure it out it is. so you have 2.97 in one account and the other i have no idea thank you sweetie. if you thinks bout it i realy have no purpose here, i have kids that i can
t afford, losing a boyfriend why live? yes you do. oh stop. gotta get something off the printer back ok everything will work out, it always does. the dr makes no sense putting me on someting that could cause sucidel affects,deyhyration i canot exercise anymore because over exceration hurting muslcels goes on and on over sweating keep exercising, if you experience those problems, then worry about it. i am already what 119 punda what am i to do? besides, you don't sweat much anyway. no i amnot it says not to ok. swelling of arms al kinds of shit severe dizziness, do not drive don't worry about it. and i have to take one you know me i will don't worry about it. take one now, I'll be home soon. how would you like being in debt just medcations? its not worth it i returned the kids clothing also did you read the link I sent you? no that brings it down to $125/mo ok, so there's one less thing to worry about. and you can probably get the other stuff you take cheaper too. everthing he puts me on has no generics wexcept thyroid brb, (a person with a lot of weight in the company) as far as the clozpam i have to always see the neruo i cannot get presciption from him for that carb/levo back ok do you relize how hard this is for me? all from (the guy who assaulted her) everything will be ok. so you thought i had no apetite before oi really will not now, i willend up in the hospital i am gonna have a nervous break down i can feel it coming on don't worry about it. i ask Doug if he had anyvacation days and he idn't know i told him they put me on another pill and my nerves are shout] oh, hey speaking of Doug life is not fair it occurred to me. you know how he borrowed money off you a while ago and said he was gonna pay it back, but didn't? and how he borrowed money off me and said he was gonna pay it back but didn't? i do not remember honestly well if you don't remember, don't worry about it. i really do not remeber you have no idea how i could use a hug from u I'll be home soon. not soon enough *kissingsmiley* i feel liek no one has the correct answer for me give it time. i do not know if i will be here when school starts, thats how i fel everything will be ok. well Doug is here to pick up Aaron and Malcolm went to football ok i have no idea for supper i have no appeteti we'll figure it out. ou can eat, i am not so are you real usy busy I'm trying to get one last thing done so I can leave a little early. really really. well this depressed woman can let you go see you when you get home love u i guess your to busy love you, see you soon. no, I was typing.
I don't know where the rest of the conversation went, the log ends. She may have logged out when she realized that the more we talk, the later I leave, which means the later I get home.
I think I've found the solution to one of our problems. When we go on long trips, well, when we go in the car, we often get in discussions that lead to her "thinking". I found the solution.
We took a trip which was roughly 200 miles round trip on the motorcycle. Since she's directly behind me, wearing a helmet with the wind rushing by at highway speeds, we can't talk. Her only option is to hold on tight as we move through traffic. We did stop twice on the way up, once at my mom's house to feed the pets (she was away for the weekend) and again later for dinner on the way up. On the way back, we stopped at least once.
Well the whole time, she seemed very content. I don't know if it's a woman thing, being able to hold on to her partner for an hour straight, or if it's the type of pleasure I get from piloting the motorcycle, or different scenery, or perhaps just a whole different experience, but it worked.
She told me at the last rest stop on the way home, she was thinking, "good thoughts" and she wanted to talk to me about them when we got home.
As I said, she told me she was thinking "good thoughts" and she wanted to talk to me.
We're laying in bed, I'm holding her. She tells me how she realizes now that her behavior in the past has been very abnormal. She is very sorry about everything that has happened, and she doesn't understand why I stayed with her all this time, but is glad I did. She knows our relationship strained ties with my family and friends. She knows her confronting Kristin over the phone cost me the promotion. As she begins tearing up, she tells me that she won't let it happen again, she is very lucky to have me.
I tell her, "it's OK." Even though I feel everything is not OK, but for the moment, it is.
We've had three therapy sessions during which Dr. D. commented on her positive progress.
During these three sessions only once she's threatened my job. She has threatened to stop taking all her medication, Dr. D's response was "The day you stop taking your medication is the day Chuck should leave you". And once when April prompted Dr. D with the question "what should I do if Chuck tries to leave?", he responded "let him go".
This session, she brought up our "conflicting" definitions of trust. Hers: everything is an open book. Mine: I open the book and she reads it, and it bites me in the ass. For instance, I mentioned the time I couldn't account for $120 I withdrew from the MAC machine. Which she chimed in that she thinks it went to pay for a hotel room, I mistakenly said "that's exactly where it went". Referring to the conversation, not the money. I have no idea where the money went, but it wasn't a hotel room. And that's why I don't want her in my personal papers.
We got on the subject of guarantees. That she has no guarantee that I'll stay with her, and nobody has this type of guarantee. Dr. D. said "I don't, my wife doesn't, my son doesn't my daughter-in-law doesn't". I chimed in about a guy at my work, I don't know him, but four days ago, he came to work, had an anurism and that's it. Dead. He didn't expect that. Life has no guarantees.
About 30 minutes into the session Dr. D. brought up that when you go to therapy for so long, you don't get any benefit, you just kinda go over the same thing again and again. And April feels this way too. He's suggested cutting therapy back from every two or three weeks to once a month, see how things go. We agree, say our good byes and leave.
I don't think Katherine has been completely excised, but I think she's well on her way out, thanks to a good dedicated therapist, and medication.
She was supposed to see the Psychiatrist today about renewing her prescriptions. I told her afterwards, why not meet me for lunch? She said depends on how she feels.
He was sick. So, she asks me if we can still get together for lunch. Sure. We're supposed to meet at 11:45. I was in a short meeting that ran a little too long, so I rushed to get there. At precisely 11:46 she called me to ask where I was. I couldn't answer, because I was at the traffic light across the street from the restaurant on the motorcycle. The light hadn't changed yet, at 11:47 she called me. The light turned green, I drove accross the street and into the parking lot. She says "you're five minutes late, who did you have to kiss good bye. I was about to leave." Well for starters, I'm two minutes late, not five. Second, what the fuck? This is how she acts the day after our "maybe you don't need therapy as frequently" session?
I feel like telling her to get lost, I'll find somebody to kiss to make her happy, and not have to deal with her.
I told her to knock it off and started walking towards the restaurant.
A little later, she tells me that she hasn't taken her one pill, cause the doctor was sick and she doesn't have any more. She also told me that she's not going to take any more, she'd rather do something else with the $140 a month. I can understand that it's expensive, but I wonder, which is better, poor and sane, or rich and crazy?
I have no idea what else to do with her, I tell her I support her decision and I hope it works. I'm very afraid that it won't.
It's now 55 minutes into my lunch hour, it took me 10 minutes to get there, which means if I leave right this minute, I'll be five minutes late getting back from lunch. She asks me "why are you in such a hurry to get back? Who are you missing?"
For some stupid reason, I hang around a few more minutes. I ask her to pick up a part for her car that I ordered, the shop is a mile away from where we are, with one turn directions. She agrees.
Finally, she says she'll let me get back to work. Work that I should have been back to 15 minutes ago.
I hope the withdrawal is making her cranky, cause if it's that noticeable that she didn't take one pill, we're back on the roller coaster.
It's been nearly a year and a half since my grandmother died. We've been slowly moving her stuff out of the house because she lives 150 miles away from all of us and it's quite a chore to do it. Plus, there's a lot more stuff than any of us thought.
So April and I have driven six hours to get to her house in a rented moving truck that's as big as you can drive with a Joe Schmoe license. She has a commercial license and is comfortable driving big stuff, but she drove really slow since she's unfamiliar with it, it's a dog and it bounces like those ping-pong balls in the lottery machines. I didn't drive because of it's size, we may have to go through weigh stations. My license is still suspended due to the non-payment of fine bullshit.
It's three a.m. We're really tired. I've been up for 24 and a half hours. She's been up for 20. I'm talking to my brother who came up to help about moving. After the conversation, I'm downstairs, she comes up to me and says in a very stern tone with a look that could kill: "you better not move out on me, I'll kill you." Since this came out of no where, I explained to her that we came up here to move Grandma's stuff out and take anything of value to Mom's house.
A short while later, we go to bed. We really need it.
We've spend the day driving the gigantic truck back and unloading it. It took the better part of three hours to unload it. We then spent at least another hour and a half transferring stuff to a truck to go to my brother's house and the rest into my other brother's house. It's time to return the truck. I'm thirsty, she needs to use the bathroom, so we stop at a convenience store.
I pick up a "Cinnabon Espresso and Cream", I like the StarBucks, but the Cinnabon is 9.5 ounces vs. the Starbuck's 6.5 ounces and it's 20 cents less. She walks up to me after leaving the bathroom "why do you always hide from me in stores?". I consider this to be stupid. I'm sorry, I'm not hiding. We came in so she could use the bathroom and I could buy a drink. I'm hidden by the high shelves combined with our short stature. I simply reply "I'm not hiding" without going into detail.
I walk up to the counter with her to pay for the drink.
The cashier says "Oh, I've never tried those." I say "Neither have I. I like the starbucks espresso and cream, so I thought I'd try this." The cashier says "I like the starbucks too. That will be $2.11. You'll have to tell me how it is." I reply "I'll do that." As I hand her two dollar bills, a dime and a penny. The cashier says "Thank you." as we turn from the counter.
As we walk out the door, April begins mocking me: "'I'll tell you how it is.' You could tell she was flirting with you and you flirted right back." I say "No I didn't." She cuts me off: "After all I did for you this weekend." I cut her off. "I know you did a lot. I appreciate it." She did do some, she drove up and back, she helped pack, she guarded the truck so no one would steal shit while we were in and out of the house. I did some, my two brothers did some and the piano movers did a lot. She then says "I have half a mind to go back in there and tell her off." "Don't do that" I plead. She gets in the truck and it won't start. Fortunately, it was because she didn't have it in neutral. We drive away. She says as we pull out of the driveway "make sure you come back and tell her how it is." A few minutes later, she says "I'm going to go back there and kick her ass." About 15 minutes after the offense, Cat Stevens "Wild World" comes on the radio. She turns it up as he sings
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin' Baby, I'm grievin' But if you wanna leave, take good care Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Plays.
At the next red light, I unbuckle my seat belt, move over, kiss her, and tell her "thank you for all your help this weekend honey. I love you."
She starts to cry and says "I love you too."
She wipes the tears from her eyes as the Eagles sing "Hotel California". Which is how I feel. We dance to remember, we dance to forget. April can stab her disorder with a steely knife, but she just can't kill the beast. As far as myself, I can check out any time I'd like, but I can never leave...
We get in about an hour after we're there, she says to me 'You sure like looking at the girls, don't you?'
I'm kind of appalled. While it is a Renaissance Festival and it's bawdy, and women are all wearing bustier type dresses, I wasn't actively looking at tits, or girls for that matter. It made me uncomfortable, but I try to brush it off. The rest of the day went well.
Fortunately we did not run into my co-worker that works there. I'm really apprehensive about if we should see her.
The Renaissance Festival went well enough, so when she asked if I wanted to go out to the bar, I was all for it. We got there just before it got totally packed. We managed to grab the last booth in the place. The waitress was slow, oh, so painfully slow. But it was pretty clear why it was packed, tonight is the farewell to summer "party", with karaoke, so it was sure to draw a big crowd. Several women were walking around with seashell bras over their clothes, although it looked more like bizarre baseball bras than seashells. Finally, the waitress comes and we order. While waiting for our drinks to arrive, she says to me, "you need to stop looking at other women, you're mine!".
This is now the second time she said that in one day. This time, I definitely was looking at another woman, I think it would come off rude to stare blankly off into the distance while ordering a beer. And yeah, she was in a very low-cut top. Makes sense to me, men patronize bars a lot, men like boobs, men who see boobs at bars, or something close are probably more likely to give a larger tip. But that was only half the fun.
Our drinks arrive, and I try to pay attention to the TVs, both showing football, which I find about as interesting as watching paint dry. The people singing karaoke were slightly more entertaining. I try to talk to her without provoking her more and without showing how unsettled I am.
After an hour or so, two couples stop by our table and ask "How would you like four drunk friends to join you?". My natural response is "go for it". Especially since the place is packed and we're on one side of the booth. She agrees, which just amazes me. I never thought she'd do that. So three of them pile into the booth on the opposite side of us. One of the guys stands next to the booth.
Now here's the rub, we don't know these people, they don't know us. But to make the best of things, and possibly have a really good time, we need to find some things out about each other. Fortunately, the one guy Bill is very friendly. So is one of the women, I think her name was Angie. Angie and Bill seem like they should be married, but they're not. Bill is married to the other woman Kathy, Angie is married to another guy Brook . I don't know if I caught his name right.
After about 15 minutes, April tells me I need to stop looking at Angie's boobs. Yeah, she caught me. But I think she'd have said that anyway. So for the rest of the night, I keep my eyes off Angie's boobs.
As I said, Bill was extremely friendly, I think he'd gotten bored talking to Angie and Kathy, so he started talking to us. Bill asks what we do for a living, and I tell him what I do. April says to him "don't do any business with that place, they're really bad". Then she turns to me and says "I told you I would not let anyone do business with (my work) after what (a different) Bill did."
I really don't want to get into this. I still think she was wrong to call Kristin and ask her over the phone if she's screwing me. Mentally unstable or not, that was wrong. I got the consequences. I try to overlook this anyway, and make it out to be a joke, like when one friend bashes another in front of his buddies, you like the guy and respect him, but you make fun of the fact that he's a dentist, cause he's a dentist.
Later, I was taking a piss, April told Bill about how I won't marry her. Well, I'm not about to go into great detail with complete strangers, but Bill did tell me how Kathy is his best friend, and Kathy told me I need to "shit or get off the pot". Which is true. But there's so much more to it that they don't know.
All in all, it was great, except for the seashell bra thing, and the bashing my work thing. By fate, we went out with two other couples and there was no big blow up. I wasn't absolutely humiliated and other than Bill's possible advances which seemed to anger Kathy, it was a wonderful change of pace to see how other couples behave amongst company.
