Once again Dr. D. asked us why we were there.

April told him everything was going great, and I have to agree. I really expected everything to take a shit all over itself when her pills totally wore off, but it hasn't. It's been twelve days since then and there's been a bump or two, but nothing too bad. There have been times when I expected her to fall back into her old patterns, but she didn't. One particularly stressful day, I can only imagine how it could be. A kid under her watch had a heart attack, fell over and died. Nothing she did, it was a new girl, who she wasn't around a long time and didn't get to know her very well. I was amazed that she finished her work for the day, because, I wouldn't have. I would have been like "nope, nuh-huh, going home, see you tomorrow". She didnt' tell me till I got home, normally, she would have told work she quit, or at least off for the day, insisted I come home and cried on my shoulder. She waited till I got home and then cried on my shoulder.

This is definitely a good thing. 

I thought we were having a good conversation on IM.

But... every now and then she seemed to get irritated, I'd quickly change the subject or interject something to get her off this downward spiral she's on.

For instance,  the president is in the county to speak. Here's the conversation slightly falling apart:

 (12:16:37) did you hear about the president being in town?
(12:16:53) yes.
(12:17:02) the radio said something about it and roads being closed in lancaster
(12:17:11) yeah, that's what I heard.
(12:17:14) that they will let you know
(12:17:32) is that gonna interfer with you and work
(12:17:42) or are you guys gettting off early
(12:17:50) no.
(12:17:59) well thats sucks
(12:18:36) so what else is on your midn?
(12:18:38) mind?
(12:18:53) not t much why?
(12:19:00) are you lying to me/
(12:19:17) so if i geton line at 430 you will be there
(12:19:24) I am not lying to you.
(12:19:30) I'm not getting off early.
(12:19:41) Prez will be gone way before then.
(12:19:52) k
(12:20:02) i will im you at 4300
(12:20:08) 430
(12:20:14) ok.
(12:20:38) brb going to bathroom you can get your lunch if you want
(12:20:44) to
(12:20:56) ok, sounds good.
(12:22:25) back
(12:22:33) let me know when yu are
(12:22:39) ok
(12:23:18) what else would you like to talk about?
(12:23:23) why?
(12:23:38) what do you want to do that you keep asking me that?
(12:23:45) nothing
(12:23:56) just seems like it
(12:24:18) like you are trying to get me off the net for some reason
(12:25:01) not trying to get you off.
(12:25:08) I'll do that tonight before bed.
(12:25:14) ;)
(12:25:20) ok you better
(12:25:33) :):-*
(12:25:48) :-*

 A little while later, we're discussing how no one does anything with Madison:

 (12:53:47) even though i know Madison had fun bowling on sat
(12:54:06) i think that made her day
(12:54:14) I think so.
(12:54:18) i know
(12:54:33) noone does anything with her
(12:54:54) i really do not either i need to start again
(12:55:16) I know
(12:55:42) g;ad you s
(12:55:50) glad you ageww
(12:55:54) agree
(12:55:55) oh, yeah.
(12:56:12) what?
(12:56:33) who else are you talking to?
(12:56:55) I'm saying that I understand when you typed " glad you ageww", you meant "glad you agree"
(12:59:35) I guess we can put my old boots out with the trash tonight.

She hates it how it takes me a long time to throw stuff out. So that seemed to distract her enough. 

(12:59:43) really
(12:59:52) i guess so

 So I thought it was done

 (13:16:05) you know how i dislike you work sorry but i have my resons
(13:16:13) reasons
(13:16:16) I know.
(13:16:32) still have anger about that one
(13:16:37) I know.
(13:16:51) i doubt if i will over get over that one
(13:17:01) I know.
(13:17:49) i know what i did was a little wrong but really not i was defending my boyfriend and any girl would have done the same trust me
(13:18:28) noone should flirt around or tell there own private life just isn't right
(13:18:33) ok, do you have something else you'd like to talk about instead.

That was probably the wrong thing to say. 

(13:18:36) ?
(13:18:53) just makes me mad
(13:19:00) I know.
(13:20:12) even though you say you just talk to her about work i can see her bugs eyes al the time she is so ugley and you can think what you want thats my opinon and i know you like her sorry butt hats just how i feel
(13:20:39) it's strictly professional, please pick something else to talk about
(13:20:42) please?
(13:20:54) and if you thinkshe is pretty then you are with the wrong chick here
(13:21:15) no, please pick a new subject.
(13:33:57) so what else is on your mind?
(13:35:37) hello?
(13:35:43) nothing1
(13:35:49) !
(13:36:04) *scully*
(13:36:54) WELL I AM GOING TO WORK
(13:37:00) ok.
(13:37:01) BYE
(13:37:03) have a good run.
(13:37:06) love you too.

 I didn't want to continue this, but I did want to point out that she just up and left the conversation, but I said "I love you". Which is really childish, but I never thought this next part was coming:

(13:37:09) RIGHT
(13:37:23) AT ONE TIME
(13:37:25) ok, have a great run.
(13:37:33) I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU
(13:37:41) you know that's not true.
(13:37:54) I REALLY DO NOT KNOW ANYMORE
(13:38:01) yes you do.
(13:39:33) I M ALWAYS LAST, BUT I HAVE TO GO TO WORK,BUT I DO LOVE YOU, I AM JUST FEELING HURT RIGHT NOW
(13:39:48) I don't understand why, perhaps we can talk about it when I get home?
(13:40:26) BECAUSE OF OUR CONVERSATION WAS GOOD BUT THEN IT WENT DOWN HILL BECAUSE YOU NEVER FEND ME.
(13:40:34) DE
(13:40:54) that's the thing, I do defend you.
(13:40:58) but i ove you, see you at 600

And it was over. Something soothed the savage beast, I have no idea what. But she needs to leave for work, perhaps that was the ticket. 

(13:41:01) bye
(13:41:04) love you, see you at six.
(13:41:07) April has left the conversation.

It may be four months after the fact, but she went to an interview where my part time job is.

She's followed through and got the job, although she almost decided to forget it, because she got flustered and just barely made it on time. They hired her without any problems and she'll start in two days.

She's planning on saving some money while paying down her debt. It may be too late to help my credit that's been damaged trying to keep her happy, but it will be good for her, I think. A bonus, it will keep her occupied for another four hours of the day, which has always been a problem, when she's bored she gets to thinking and that leads to harmful thoughts, either to herself or our relationship.

If she sticks it out long enough, she can get vacation time and benefits, even if she doesn't, I think it will be good for her, knowing that she's not stuck in the job she has now, she can get others, entirely on her own if she wants to do it.

I took the following off to go on one of Madison's field trips. It would be a three block walk from her school, she really wanted me to go. Then we found out the date was wrong, it was actually today, so I asked to have just the afternoon off and would be in all day tomorrow.

I rode the motorcycle to her school, and she assumed that I was taking her home. She was edgy because of riding the motorcycle, but her friends thought it was cool, so that encouraged her to ride with me. April and I had planned that she would ride the bus home, but I figured I'd take this opportunity to ride her 2-up for the mile home, even though I wasn't prepared. I put my helmet on her and took her home. She liked it so much, she wanted to go back and pick up my backpack from her school again, so I got another helmet, put that on her, wore my helmet and went.

Later that night, Maddy asked to go for another ride, so I took her around the neighborhood a few times.

When we got back (we only rode three miles), April was looking jealous of me taking Maddy for a ride.

I said "Is 'ems jealous?" in a mocking, yet fun sort of way. She replied "yes".

Shortly after, she asked what we were going to do tomorrow. I said I was going to work, I had to trade days to get the afternoon off for Madison. April got really mad. We started fighting and I said "the world doesn't revolve around you. I took tomorrow off so I could do Madison's field trip. Since the days were wrong, I did what I needed to do so I could be there for her.". April insisted that I should have not gone on the field trip so I could spend the day with her. It would be our last day together before she would be starting her part time job.

Then she walked off down the street. I didn't chase her, I just let her go. I was sort of afraid that she'd try something stupid like jump out in front of a car, but the speed limits are only 25 and I've read that most people survive getting hit by cars at 35 mph.

Also, she's been a lot better lately, so hopefully she wouldn't pull any bullshit like that.

Aaron decides he's going to go looking for her. I assume that she'll come around when she realizes the kids want her and it's no big deal. 

She comes back, goes in the house. Aaron follows. Then he comes running out: "Mom just took a bunch of pills!".

I go in the house, demand to know what she took. She says Tylenol. Well, I know that we have one bottle of that, it has two 1/2 tablets in it (we give it to the kids for pain/fever, instead of the syrup). Lo and behold, the bottle rattles, like there's two 1/2 tablets in the bottle. I ask again what she took. She insists it was Excedrin (she's actually not supposed to take that.), she has a headache.

Well, I have to believe her. I have no idea how many Excedrin there are. We do have that in the house, and it would be a reasonable alternative to Tylenol when there aren't any available. Aaron thinks there were more. But I believe April.

She wants me to take the day off, and I don't appreciate the guilt trip about it being our "last day" together. Finally, I agree to call in sick tomorrow.

I called up my boss right about the time that I'd normally get up for my part-time job.

He's not in, cause it's way before sunrise, I tell him that I'm feeling lousy, I called in sick to my part-time job and if I'm not in, I'll see him tomorrow. Call me at the house if he needs anything.

Since it's really early in the morning, I don't sound great anyway. I hate calling in sick, even when I'm sick for real.

April gets up, tells me I don't have to call in sick, that I can go to work if I want to. I tell her in a very stern voice, it's too late. Then I go to my part-time job. I've been awake for an hour, and I've lied twice to my boss. I hate myself.

April finally admits that she took 12 2mg Ativan tablets yesterday. I ask why "because I was mad". What a hell of a reason. I ask where they are. She says they're all gone. I don't believe her. She says "I'll show you the bottle." I tell her that she could easily hide them and I'm tired of this stupidity. It sets a very bad example for the kids.

Now I'm in an even worse mood. I do not like to call in sick. I don't like to lie to my boss. She lies to me, she does dumb things to her body. I want out. I would leave while she's at work, but I can't, I need to pick up Maddy from school, so I'm stuck, again.

This relationship is like a Chinese finger trap, you can go in, but it's damn hard to get out. 

There is no way in hell that a year or two ago, perhaps not even two months ago I would have done what we did. Since she's working part time the same place I'm working part time, but on different four-hour shifts, we decided that we'd both do a double (eight hours total) shift together. During the break, we'd go grab coffee or something. I'm quite nervous about the whole deal, because I've been forbidden to talk to women, even normal everyday interaction that is not absolutely necessary has been cause for alarm in the past. On top of normal stress, April will have been working on about four to six hours of broken sleep, I will be on two hours of sleep.

The previous evening, April told me that she hates two "bitches" at our part-time job. She described one, wearing a tank top with tattoos. The reason they're bitches, because neither one acknowledged her. I suspect they are Kourtney and Lidia. Their job is to move items that are too wide, too tall, too long, too heavy or not box shaped to be processed by the automated system. If you're moving a 120 lb box, you probably wouldn't acknowledge other people either. But I'm not going to make excuses, I just tell her that "I don't know who that is." Because it's possible she's referring to someone else. It's a whole lot easier that way.

The alarm goes off, my eyes are burning. I really don't like to do these types of shifts on little sleep, I'm much better off I feel, with no sleep what so ever. I give my eyes a very liberal coating of Clear Eyes™, put on my glasses, hop in the car and go.

As soon as we walk in the door, Kourtney walks in behind us. I thought she said "Hello Chuck.", so I say "Oh, hello." April and I continue walking to our work areas. She says "who's that". I said "I think that's Kourtney" and briefly described her job. April says "that's who I was talking about yesterday, who didn't acknowledge me." My heart begins to sink, I can just see the Mêlée now. I say "well, it is very loud in there, maybe she didn't hear you."

So we go in, our shift won't start for about five more minutes, while we wait, more people show up, as they come in, I introduce April to them. Since Kourtney was directly behind us walking up, she was one of the first. There was no problems it seemed. I show her where I punch in at, she punches in as well, we each go to our respective work areas. She says, while wagging her finger at me, "now you behave yourself around that red head", referring to Kourtney. I wag my finger back at her "of course I behave myself around that red head."

After about a half an hour, she's transferred to where she could actually see me working, and what I'm doing. I'm slightly uneasy about this, but since there was no blow up, I don't expect any problems. 

As the work winds down, April is dismissed from her work area, because new people are usually sent home early the first few weeks, as they are more likely to be injured due to the strenuous work. She tells me that she's done and she'll wait for me. Her boss says it will only be another half hour. Well, actually, it turned out to be nearly an hour, the whole time, she was patiently waiting for me. When everything shuts down, I make a few quick introductions to her, we punch out, get some coffee as planned.

As we're driving to get coffee, she says to me "so you do talk to other women." I'm not sure how to handle this, so I just say "not really". She says "Kourtney said you've mentioned me many times, and it's all good." I say "well yes, from time to time I've mentioned you."

Then she says "it's ok. A while ago I would have been really mad about that, but it's ok. As long as your mine, I know you're loyal."

I'm absolutely amazed. Most people would be more irritable under these circumstances, working twice as many hours as normal, getting less than 3/4ths the amount of sleep as normal, and in this case on about four hours of sleep. She's actually better.

Later on, she mentions that the extra work load is helping, because she has less time to think about things, bad things in particular.

I'm reluctant to say she's cured, it's only been a week since she popped a weeks' supply of Ativan "because she was mad". But in this respect, she's made huge progress and I'm proud of her. 

I'm amazed at the progress April's made. Unbelievably amazed.

She sent me an IM:

 (16:13:08) April: you there
(16:13:08) <auto-reply> : I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(16:14:27) April: hi

Then another: 

 (16:19:17) April: hi

 I didn't respond to either, cause I was busy in the can. When I got back to my desk, she wasn't online any longer.

Since it was nearly five, I decided not to get a hold of her, if it was really important, she would have called.
So at 5:37 p.m., she called. I didn't hear the phone because I was driving, had the radio on, the windows down, and the phone was on the passenger's seat. At 5:42 I was at a light, and something just told me I should check the phone. So I when I saw she called me, I assumed that I was in deep shit. I called her, Madison answered the phone, which was a little odd, then she handed the phone to April.

We had a short but normal conversation. I was braced for screaming at the top her lungs "where the fuck were you! why didn't you answer the phone! Who are you fucking around on me" but it never came. She did politely ask where I was when she IMed me, I told her I was in the can, she said "you serious?", I replied affirmatively and that was it.

When I walked in the door, she was her normal self. I was about to fall over.

So at this point, I feel that she's as reasonably normal as any of us, thanks to intense therapy, working medication (she's now been off both Lamictal and Abilify for 13 days), the threat of Electroshock therapy, patience and something to fill her time. Although I will admit that I think what she believes is electroshock therapy is actually dialectic behavioral therapy which is very different. But since the thought of nearly being electrocuted has encouraged her to get better, I'm all for the confusion.