I called up my boss right about the time that I'd normally get up for my part-time job.

He's not in, cause it's way before sunrise, I tell him that I'm feeling lousy, I called in sick to my part-time job and if I'm not in, I'll see him tomorrow. Call me at the house if he needs anything.

Since it's really early in the morning, I don't sound great anyway. I hate calling in sick, even when I'm sick for real.

April gets up, tells me I don't have to call in sick, that I can go to work if I want to. I tell her in a very stern voice, it's too late. Then I go to my part-time job. I've been awake for an hour, and I've lied twice to my boss. I hate myself.

April finally admits that she took 12 2mg Ativan tablets yesterday. I ask why "because I was mad". What a hell of a reason. I ask where they are. She says they're all gone. I don't believe her. She says "I'll show you the bottle." I tell her that she could easily hide them and I'm tired of this stupidity. It sets a very bad example for the kids.

Now I'm in an even worse mood. I do not like to call in sick. I don't like to lie to my boss. She lies to me, she does dumb things to her body. I want out. I would leave while she's at work, but I can't, I need to pick up Maddy from school, so I'm stuck, again.

This relationship is like a Chinese finger trap, you can go in, but it's damn hard to get out. 

There is no way in hell that a year or two ago, perhaps not even two months ago I would have done what we did. Since she's working part time the same place I'm working part time, but on different four-hour shifts, we decided that we'd both do a double (eight hours total) shift together. During the break, we'd go grab coffee or something. I'm quite nervous about the whole deal, because I've been forbidden to talk to women, even normal everyday interaction that is not absolutely necessary has been cause for alarm in the past. On top of normal stress, April will have been working on about four to six hours of broken sleep, I will be on two hours of sleep.

The previous evening, April told me that she hates two "bitches" at our part-time job. She described one, wearing a tank top with tattoos. The reason they're bitches, because neither one acknowledged her. I suspect they are Kourtney and Lidia. Their job is to move items that are too wide, too tall, too long, too heavy or not box shaped to be processed by the automated system. If you're moving a 120 lb box, you probably wouldn't acknowledge other people either. But I'm not going to make excuses, I just tell her that "I don't know who that is." Because it's possible she's referring to someone else. It's a whole lot easier that way.

The alarm goes off, my eyes are burning. I really don't like to do these types of shifts on little sleep, I'm much better off I feel, with no sleep what so ever. I give my eyes a very liberal coating of Clear Eyes™, put on my glasses, hop in the car and go.

As soon as we walk in the door, Kourtney walks in behind us. I thought she said "Hello Chuck.", so I say "Oh, hello." April and I continue walking to our work areas. She says "who's that". I said "I think that's Kourtney" and briefly described her job. April says "that's who I was talking about yesterday, who didn't acknowledge me." My heart begins to sink, I can just see the Mêlée now. I say "well, it is very loud in there, maybe she didn't hear you."

So we go in, our shift won't start for about five more minutes, while we wait, more people show up, as they come in, I introduce April to them. Since Kourtney was directly behind us walking up, she was one of the first. There was no problems it seemed. I show her where I punch in at, she punches in as well, we each go to our respective work areas. She says, while wagging her finger at me, "now you behave yourself around that red head", referring to Kourtney. I wag my finger back at her "of course I behave myself around that red head."

After about a half an hour, she's transferred to where she could actually see me working, and what I'm doing. I'm slightly uneasy about this, but since there was no blow up, I don't expect any problems. 

As the work winds down, April is dismissed from her work area, because new people are usually sent home early the first few weeks, as they are more likely to be injured due to the strenuous work. She tells me that she's done and she'll wait for me. Her boss says it will only be another half hour. Well, actually, it turned out to be nearly an hour, the whole time, she was patiently waiting for me. When everything shuts down, I make a few quick introductions to her, we punch out, get some coffee as planned.

As we're driving to get coffee, she says to me "so you do talk to other women." I'm not sure how to handle this, so I just say "not really". She says "Kourtney said you've mentioned me many times, and it's all good." I say "well yes, from time to time I've mentioned you."

Then she says "it's ok. A while ago I would have been really mad about that, but it's ok. As long as your mine, I know you're loyal."

I'm absolutely amazed. Most people would be more irritable under these circumstances, working twice as many hours as normal, getting less than 3/4ths the amount of sleep as normal, and in this case on about four hours of sleep. She's actually better.

Later on, she mentions that the extra work load is helping, because she has less time to think about things, bad things in particular.

I'm reluctant to say she's cured, it's only been a week since she popped a weeks' supply of Ativan "because she was mad". But in this respect, she's made huge progress and I'm proud of her. 

I'm amazed at the progress April's made. Unbelievably amazed.

She sent me an IM:

 (16:13:08) April: you there
(16:13:08) <auto-reply> : I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(16:14:27) April: hi

Then another: 

 (16:19:17) April: hi

 I didn't respond to either, cause I was busy in the can. When I got back to my desk, she wasn't online any longer.

Since it was nearly five, I decided not to get a hold of her, if it was really important, she would have called.
So at 5:37 p.m., she called. I didn't hear the phone because I was driving, had the radio on, the windows down, and the phone was on the passenger's seat. At 5:42 I was at a light, and something just told me I should check the phone. So I when I saw she called me, I assumed that I was in deep shit. I called her, Madison answered the phone, which was a little odd, then she handed the phone to April.

We had a short but normal conversation. I was braced for screaming at the top her lungs "where the fuck were you! why didn't you answer the phone! Who are you fucking around on me" but it never came. She did politely ask where I was when she IMed me, I told her I was in the can, she said "you serious?", I replied affirmatively and that was it.

When I walked in the door, she was her normal self. I was about to fall over.

So at this point, I feel that she's as reasonably normal as any of us, thanks to intense therapy, working medication (she's now been off both Lamictal and Abilify for 13 days), the threat of Electroshock therapy, patience and something to fill her time. Although I will admit that I think what she believes is electroshock therapy is actually dialectic behavioral therapy which is very different. But since the thought of nearly being electrocuted has encouraged her to get better, I'm all for the confusion.

At this point, I assume this will be my last entry. I may add others in the past, I do not expect, and hope I do not have to add events in the future.

Now the only problem seems that I'm the one with issues.

I'm the one who's hypersensitive. I get upset easily. In the past, I could take so much stress, I sought after it. Everything was a new challenge. Now, when things don't go my way, I just want to run from it. I started a project two weekends ago, I stopped and haven't gotten back to it. It was going smoothly, but I don't want to dedicate the time. Before, I'd get up early on a Saturday to do it, now I just sleep in.

I think I may be co-dependent. Not that you should ever diagnose yourself, but I've learned to take so much abuse, I expect it. I try very hard not to make her mad at me, but right now, it seems unnatural that she's not been mad at me for two weeks. I don't want her mad, but it's almost like I need a problem to solve, for five and a half years, I've solved her problems.

I find myself uncaring. You're out of work, kids are sick, wife is dying and you want me to give you bus fare? Get a job you bum! Well, perhaps I'm not that bad. But in general, causes I used to beleive in, simply don't matter any more. I can best describe this as all my give-a-damn is gone.

I lie to her a lot, I have lied to her a lot in the past. I did this as a way to keep out of harms way. For instance, I talk to women in a social context. During most of our relationship, to April at least, my simply talking to a member of the opposite sex was the same as having sex with them, in front of her, in our own bed. So any time she'd ask if I talked to other women, I'd say no. It was an outright lie, but there was nothing I could do about it. This rule of course did not apply to April. So when she talked to another guy, and I was ok with it (thinking it was just talking) she had sex with him, because in her mind, I was ok with her having sex with this guy, since they were the same.

Another thing, I miss my good friend Jill, who died four years ago, just about this time of year. I never went to her funeral, or to 'visit' her. I deeply regret our last conversation where I blew her off because of the no talking to women rule. I wish I had gone to the funeral to pay my respects. I couldn't handle the ridicule from April for going.
I miss my dog, every day. I mean it, every day I think about my dog. I'll leave it at that before I start crying.
My credit is shot. It will take me a long, long time to fix this. I probably won't be able to own a car or home for at least six and a half years, perhaps longer. If I do, my creditors could take it from me. I understand I owe them, but I feel they made at least 10, probably closer to 20% on what they lent me in addition to what I paid them, so why can't they leave me alone?
I am morally corrupt. I hate to admit it, but I am. The only deterrent to my life of crime is the legal repercussions. I don't want to go to prison and that's the only thing that prevents me from stealing for a living.
On top of that, I'm vindictive and spiteful. I've spent many hours planning how to steal cars from the dealer who I believe sold me a total piece of crap car for far more than it was worth at the time putting me firmly in the grip of a predatory lender who was happy to take my money, then the car I had paid way too much, for far too long, along with excessive late fees. Around eighteen grand and I have nothing to show for it.
Right now, the other creditors, save for one or two are up to date, I'd be much farther in the game had I not given in to April's demands to 'handle the finances'

I've plotted how to steal money from a safe on one of the biggest sale weekends from a previous employer who I still have a key to the business, knowledge of the security system and where at the time, they kept the combination to the safe. I know when and how to get in. Fortunately, I don't have that temptation for a good number of months from now. Otherwise, I'd probably be considering it again.

I know stealing is wrong and illegal. However, I really don't care. I desperately want out of the credit situation that I've gotten myself into. Stealing a ten thousand dollars or a car and selling it in parts is an easy way (at least in my mind) to do this.

blame April for all of it. Not Borderline Personality Disorder, April. She's the one who forced me into these situations. She's the one who threw a huge fit when she found out I was talking to Jill. She's the one who demanded that I choose between her and my dog. She's the one who promised that when we get a bigger house, we could have the dog. Unfortunately, my dog was hit by a car before that happened, and even during the interim, my credit worthiness was going down the crapper trying to keep her happy with vacations, jewelry and lawyer fees. None of which actually made her happy for any length of time. I seriously doubt any house would have been "big enough" because she was threatened by how I loved my dog.
I take no responsibility for what happened to Jill. She was drunk and driving when she hit the dump truck head on. I can accept that occasionally even good people make bad decisions. I can't forgive myself for our last conversation which I would give almost anything to take back.

My work ethic is shit. I had a great one, but not any more. I have no problem wasting my employers time. I've written hundreds of these entries at work. I feel that the career ladder is missing a few rungs, after all, the one I was standing on was cut out from under me for no good reason and definitely at no fault of my own, as was the one directly above me at the time. How can I jump two levels of the corporate ladder unless I get on a different one?

I feel the saying "nice guys finish last" is very, very true. Before I would never engage in cutthroat business or interpersonal practices, however now it's almost like I have to in order to survive.

I'm somewhat distraught, yet I have no one to talk to about it. I could say something to my mom, or one of my good friends that I trust. Both would feel sorry for me. I do not want someone to feel sorry for me. I just want someone to talk to. I have no one else, perhaps Dr. D. Right now is not a good time for that.
I can't mention it to my co-workers, while friends, they have no idea how screwed up my life is and I'd like to keep it that way.

  look back fondly at a time when I was strong, reasonably fit, mentally alert, dedicated to my career and goals, not the guy I am now. I want to be that guy again.

I myself will find someway to deal with all the left overs from this time in my life. I am trying to avoid the events that will get me back into the "doormat" mentality. I do not have a plan to do that now though. It probably won't be stealing cars, but that is very attractive at the moment.

Well when this actually happened, I didn't think too much of this at the time, but I'm adding it now, because events since have indicated that I'm not done with this blog.

Somehow April's convinced that she's gained weight because of the part-time gig. I tell her it doesn't matter, she's wearing a size one pants, she has nothing to complain about.

She's also "joking" with the kids that  she's not going to go to work tonight, she's instead just going to pull over at the park and sleep, come back at her usual time and pretend that she went to work.

Well, as it turns out, she has put on a little weight, a whole eight pounds. Big friggin' deal. It's mostly muscle and she still can put on her children's size eight and 10 clothes. Yeah, she can wear her kids clothes.

Well, I was working out and she "tried" to do a pull up and claims she hurt her shoulder. I don't know why I don't believe her. Well I do, because she's now convinced she needs to quit the job because of the weight gain.

The following morning, I can tell she didn't go, but I take her word for it and ask what they said when she called in, I don't recall her response, but I do remember that it made me beleive she called in hurt. It's a physical job, so being hurt is as bad as being curled up in bed with a fever. 

She told me she "did something bad". My guess is she got caught on some minor traffic violation, or she called up the part-time gig and quit.

She told me neither, she just hasn't gone in the last two nights. Didn't call, didn't show.

I tell her, no problem, just go back in tonight and apologize, she'll be fine.

She didn't go. She didn't call in, she didn't quit. I'm guessing she's fired.

As I mentioned, it's a holiday week. Depending on where in the week the holiday falls, we may not have work the day after the holiday as well as the holiday itself. If there's no work, there's no work.

Well in this particular case, there's no work for my shift, but there is for the shift immediately preceeding mine. I won't get paid if I don't go to my shift, but I will if I go to that shift.

April's known this for at least three days. I suspected it for at least a week and a half, since I've been there for several years.

Well, it's time for me to leave to do the early shift. It's only a couple hours, but money is money. We could use the money. I say I'm going to get ready. April gets mad because I'm going. I don't understand what the difference is, because I'm going to be home in time to sleep just as if I did my regular shift, and we'll have the whole day to spend together tomorrow.

She says "you're just going so you can see Kourtney". What is it with her? What is it with the "K" names? Where on earth did she get that idea?

Well, had she gone to work like she was supposed to, she'd have heard the same announcement. It was our plan originally that we'd work together the day before the holiday and we'd work together the day after, but she did a no-show all week and plans to keep it that way.

So I don't go.

At least an hour later, she says "It's ok, you can go if you want to". Well thanks darling, do you think you can tell me to close the barn door after the horse escapes again? Now it would barely be worthwhile. Instead of making $30 post-tax, I'm looking at $15 post tax. It costs me at least $4 to drive there, so why drive 1/2 hour one way to make a whole $11 and then drive 1/2 hour back? And that's assuming that I can work at least an hour. When it was three hours work for $30 net, that was good. Two hours for $11 seems like a total waste.

Plus it would be embarrassing, normally I'd walk in with her for that shift, and I don't want to explain what she didn't do or why. Especially why, I really don't know, although I suspect that her alter ego is telling her I'm boinking her co-worker.

So I'm driving to work and as per the routine, I call her at 8:00 sharp.

She's in a mood, I can just tell. It's one of those 'why the fuck do I bother calling' conversations. I keep asking questions while trying to maintain the slightest grip as to what is traveling past me at 80 miles per hour.
I ask what's wrong, what's the matter and such to no avail. She'll only tell me that she heard a rumor that her bosses are reviewing her performance records and she hates her job. Finally, I ask what can I do for you? She replies "Just kill me." What the fuck.

I ask her why she says "Everything is going wrong in my life, my life sucks, I hate my job". Well I can't respond as I would in a normal conversation which is "so change it" Because that won't get me anywhere.

She says "I tried the loading docks and that didn't work." Well not to my recallection, darling, if I remember right, she quit because a) she didn't like the hours, b) she thought she got shorted on pay once (which was fixed) c) it made her gain weight, or d) she thought I was screwing one of her co-workers (not my co-worker, hers). My guess is C or D, but she stands by A and B.

She breaks down and starts crying about how nothing goes right and she's afraid they're going to give her shit cause they're reviewing her performance logs and she may as well just quit and she's not going to bother doing her job this afternoon and how all she dioes is think about how I'm out buying my co-workers gifts and she can never be happy and goes on and on.

I simply do not care.  I can't. I've been down this road before and caring got me nowhere. From my point of view, I'd like to tell her, get a new job, quit whining and be happy. Man up butter cup and grow some fucking balls.

I tried, I honestly did. I finally convince her to take a new job (that she liked) and fill her time. This solved so many of her problems, she appreciated her free time, she stopped "thinking" about me. Normal people are not like this and I know it.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through this, AGAIN.