At this point, I assume this will be my last entry. I may add others in the past, I do not expect, and hope I do not have to add events in the future.

Now the only problem seems that I'm the one with issues.

I'm the one who's hypersensitive. I get upset easily. In the past, I could take so much stress, I sought after it. Everything was a new challenge. Now, when things don't go my way, I just want to run from it. I started a project two weekends ago, I stopped and haven't gotten back to it. It was going smoothly, but I don't want to dedicate the time. Before, I'd get up early on a Saturday to do it, now I just sleep in.

I think I may be co-dependent. Not that you should ever diagnose yourself, but I've learned to take so much abuse, I expect it. I try very hard not to make her mad at me, but right now, it seems unnatural that she's not been mad at me for two weeks. I don't want her mad, but it's almost like I need a problem to solve, for five and a half years, I've solved her problems.

I find myself uncaring. You're out of work, kids are sick, wife is dying and you want me to give you bus fare? Get a job you bum! Well, perhaps I'm not that bad. But in general, causes I used to beleive in, simply don't matter any more. I can best describe this as all my give-a-damn is gone.

I lie to her a lot, I have lied to her a lot in the past. I did this as a way to keep out of harms way. For instance, I talk to women in a social context. During most of our relationship, to April at least, my simply talking to a member of the opposite sex was the same as having sex with them, in front of her, in our own bed. So any time she'd ask if I talked to other women, I'd say no. It was an outright lie, but there was nothing I could do about it. This rule of course did not apply to April. So when she talked to another guy, and I was ok with it (thinking it was just talking) she had sex with him, because in her mind, I was ok with her having sex with this guy, since they were the same.

Another thing, I miss my good friend Jill, who died four years ago, just about this time of year. I never went to her funeral, or to 'visit' her. I deeply regret our last conversation where I blew her off because of the no talking to women rule. I wish I had gone to the funeral to pay my respects. I couldn't handle the ridicule from April for going.
I miss my dog, every day. I mean it, every day I think about my dog. I'll leave it at that before I start crying.
My credit is shot. It will take me a long, long time to fix this. I probably won't be able to own a car or home for at least six and a half years, perhaps longer. If I do, my creditors could take it from me. I understand I owe them, but I feel they made at least 10, probably closer to 20% on what they lent me in addition to what I paid them, so why can't they leave me alone?
I am morally corrupt. I hate to admit it, but I am. The only deterrent to my life of crime is the legal repercussions. I don't want to go to prison and that's the only thing that prevents me from stealing for a living.
On top of that, I'm vindictive and spiteful. I've spent many hours planning how to steal cars from the dealer who I believe sold me a total piece of crap car for far more than it was worth at the time putting me firmly in the grip of a predatory lender who was happy to take my money, then the car I had paid way too much, for far too long, along with excessive late fees. Around eighteen grand and I have nothing to show for it.
Right now, the other creditors, save for one or two are up to date, I'd be much farther in the game had I not given in to April's demands to 'handle the finances'

I've plotted how to steal money from a safe on one of the biggest sale weekends from a previous employer who I still have a key to the business, knowledge of the security system and where at the time, they kept the combination to the safe. I know when and how to get in. Fortunately, I don't have that temptation for a good number of months from now. Otherwise, I'd probably be considering it again.

I know stealing is wrong and illegal. However, I really don't care. I desperately want out of the credit situation that I've gotten myself into. Stealing a ten thousand dollars or a car and selling it in parts is an easy way (at least in my mind) to do this.

blame April for all of it. Not Borderline Personality Disorder, April. She's the one who forced me into these situations. She's the one who threw a huge fit when she found out I was talking to Jill. She's the one who demanded that I choose between her and my dog. She's the one who promised that when we get a bigger house, we could have the dog. Unfortunately, my dog was hit by a car before that happened, and even during the interim, my credit worthiness was going down the crapper trying to keep her happy with vacations, jewelry and lawyer fees. None of which actually made her happy for any length of time. I seriously doubt any house would have been "big enough" because she was threatened by how I loved my dog.
I take no responsibility for what happened to Jill. She was drunk and driving when she hit the dump truck head on. I can accept that occasionally even good people make bad decisions. I can't forgive myself for our last conversation which I would give almost anything to take back.

My work ethic is shit. I had a great one, but not any more. I have no problem wasting my employers time. I've written hundreds of these entries at work. I feel that the career ladder is missing a few rungs, after all, the one I was standing on was cut out from under me for no good reason and definitely at no fault of my own, as was the one directly above me at the time. How can I jump two levels of the corporate ladder unless I get on a different one?

I feel the saying "nice guys finish last" is very, very true. Before I would never engage in cutthroat business or interpersonal practices, however now it's almost like I have to in order to survive.

I'm somewhat distraught, yet I have no one to talk to about it. I could say something to my mom, or one of my good friends that I trust. Both would feel sorry for me. I do not want someone to feel sorry for me. I just want someone to talk to. I have no one else, perhaps Dr. D. Right now is not a good time for that.
I can't mention it to my co-workers, while friends, they have no idea how screwed up my life is and I'd like to keep it that way.

  look back fondly at a time when I was strong, reasonably fit, mentally alert, dedicated to my career and goals, not the guy I am now. I want to be that guy again.

I myself will find someway to deal with all the left overs from this time in my life. I am trying to avoid the events that will get me back into the "doormat" mentality. I do not have a plan to do that now though. It probably won't be stealing cars, but that is very attractive at the moment.

Well when this actually happened, I didn't think too much of this at the time, but I'm adding it now, because events since have indicated that I'm not done with this blog.

Somehow April's convinced that she's gained weight because of the part-time gig. I tell her it doesn't matter, she's wearing a size one pants, she has nothing to complain about.

She's also "joking" with the kids that  she's not going to go to work tonight, she's instead just going to pull over at the park and sleep, come back at her usual time and pretend that she went to work.

Well, as it turns out, she has put on a little weight, a whole eight pounds. Big friggin' deal. It's mostly muscle and she still can put on her children's size eight and 10 clothes. Yeah, she can wear her kids clothes.

Well, I was working out and she "tried" to do a pull up and claims she hurt her shoulder. I don't know why I don't believe her. Well I do, because she's now convinced she needs to quit the job because of the weight gain.

The following morning, I can tell she didn't go, but I take her word for it and ask what they said when she called in, I don't recall her response, but I do remember that it made me beleive she called in hurt. It's a physical job, so being hurt is as bad as being curled up in bed with a fever. 

She told me she "did something bad". My guess is she got caught on some minor traffic violation, or she called up the part-time gig and quit.

She told me neither, she just hasn't gone in the last two nights. Didn't call, didn't show.

I tell her, no problem, just go back in tonight and apologize, she'll be fine.

She didn't go. She didn't call in, she didn't quit. I'm guessing she's fired.

As I mentioned, it's a holiday week. Depending on where in the week the holiday falls, we may not have work the day after the holiday as well as the holiday itself. If there's no work, there's no work.

Well in this particular case, there's no work for my shift, but there is for the shift immediately preceeding mine. I won't get paid if I don't go to my shift, but I will if I go to that shift.

April's known this for at least three days. I suspected it for at least a week and a half, since I've been there for several years.

Well, it's time for me to leave to do the early shift. It's only a couple hours, but money is money. We could use the money. I say I'm going to get ready. April gets mad because I'm going. I don't understand what the difference is, because I'm going to be home in time to sleep just as if I did my regular shift, and we'll have the whole day to spend together tomorrow.

She says "you're just going so you can see Kourtney". What is it with her? What is it with the "K" names? Where on earth did she get that idea?

Well, had she gone to work like she was supposed to, she'd have heard the same announcement. It was our plan originally that we'd work together the day before the holiday and we'd work together the day after, but she did a no-show all week and plans to keep it that way.

So I don't go.

At least an hour later, she says "It's ok, you can go if you want to". Well thanks darling, do you think you can tell me to close the barn door after the horse escapes again? Now it would barely be worthwhile. Instead of making $30 post-tax, I'm looking at $15 post tax. It costs me at least $4 to drive there, so why drive 1/2 hour one way to make a whole $11 and then drive 1/2 hour back? And that's assuming that I can work at least an hour. When it was three hours work for $30 net, that was good. Two hours for $11 seems like a total waste.

Plus it would be embarrassing, normally I'd walk in with her for that shift, and I don't want to explain what she didn't do or why. Especially why, I really don't know, although I suspect that her alter ego is telling her I'm boinking her co-worker.

So I'm driving to work and as per the routine, I call her at 8:00 sharp.

She's in a mood, I can just tell. It's one of those 'why the fuck do I bother calling' conversations. I keep asking questions while trying to maintain the slightest grip as to what is traveling past me at 80 miles per hour.
I ask what's wrong, what's the matter and such to no avail. She'll only tell me that she heard a rumor that her bosses are reviewing her performance records and she hates her job. Finally, I ask what can I do for you? She replies "Just kill me." What the fuck.

I ask her why she says "Everything is going wrong in my life, my life sucks, I hate my job". Well I can't respond as I would in a normal conversation which is "so change it" Because that won't get me anywhere.

She says "I tried the loading docks and that didn't work." Well not to my recallection, darling, if I remember right, she quit because a) she didn't like the hours, b) she thought she got shorted on pay once (which was fixed) c) it made her gain weight, or d) she thought I was screwing one of her co-workers (not my co-worker, hers). My guess is C or D, but she stands by A and B.

She breaks down and starts crying about how nothing goes right and she's afraid they're going to give her shit cause they're reviewing her performance logs and she may as well just quit and she's not going to bother doing her job this afternoon and how all she dioes is think about how I'm out buying my co-workers gifts and she can never be happy and goes on and on.

I simply do not care.  I can't. I've been down this road before and caring got me nowhere. From my point of view, I'd like to tell her, get a new job, quit whining and be happy. Man up butter cup and grow some fucking balls.

I tried, I honestly did. I finally convince her to take a new job (that she liked) and fill her time. This solved so many of her problems, she appreciated her free time, she stopped "thinking" about me. Normal people are not like this and I know it.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through this, AGAIN. 

I happened to be talking about my work, which is a very touchy subject, while in the past I always made every attempt to avoid this subject, April's at least temporary ephiphany from a few months ago has opened that subject up for discussion, even if on a very shallow level. Very shallow, skimming the surface level.

Well I'm quite frustrated with my boss, the one who got the promotion that I feel I earned and deserved. I need to get out of this job, but I can't, at least not right now. I was saying how I am so frustrated because I've become the go-to information guy, about how to write a survey, how to address other managers, who to hire, who to interview, how to interview for that matter, what has priority and the one that irritates me the most, changing priorities during an intense period of progress on a monumental project to something that is not required for several days.

While I didn't say all of this, that's what's going on in my head, and I needed to vent. I don't know how we got on the subject, but I clearly said a few sentences expressing my disatisfaction. April then reminded me how it was my fault. What? I asked. She said "It's your fault..." I cut her off, because I thought it was a bad joke. I do this from time to time too, and deciding to cut her off before it became unfunny. You see, I hired the guy who is my boss. He used to work for me. April knows this. So I said "It's my fault that I hired <the guy's name>". She said "No, it's your fault that you and <my previous boss> hired Kristin". I said "I didn't hire Kristin, how many times do I have to tell you this?". I then told her to drop the conversation before it gets worse.

Fortunately, I had just finished running four miles on the treadmill, so I was hot, sweaty and probably smelled bad. I told her I was going to take a shower.

Amazingly after I took a shower, the conversation was over, hopefully never to return again. 

It's Christmas, everything is going great. We talk about the kids who are outside at the time enjoying their presents and stuff. All of a sudden, she starts crying, runs to the bedroom.
I ask her what's wrong? She says she only wanted one thing for Christmas and it doesn't cost anything.
I ask her what it is. She won't tell me, she says that if she tells me, it won't mean anything.
I think she's referring to honesty, that I'm supposed to tell her that I'm screwing around on her or something? What else could she want that's worth getting this upset over that doesn't cost anything and if she tells me what it is, loses it's meaning?

Well, I have no idea, eventually, she pulls herself together after one of the kids walk in the house. Then we go about our day. But it troubles me, what could this be? I can't think of anything else. I could lie to her and say "yes, you're right. All this time I've been banging Suzette the neighbor down the street." But that wouldn't do a damn bit of good.

I'm Feeling good about getting off work early, tomorrow's her birthday, we're going to go to a great restaurant for dinner, so I'm leaving early. she IMs me,

 (11:46:41) Her: since it gona be late tonight when you come home we could just always order pizza for supper.
(11:46:53) Me: ok
(11:47:02) you want me to pick it up?
(11:47:20) I guess
(11:47:47) ok, I'll get it
(11:49:42) i dont think i wil worry about a cake either
(11:49:54) ok
(11:49:56) just not int he mood
(11:50:06) i figured you really wouldnt care
(11:50:11) never does.

Well, now I feel lousy, took all of a few minutes.

(11:50:25) I do care honey
(11:50:28) dont bother getting me anything either.
(11:50:35) ok
(11:50:43) see you do not give a fuck
(11:50:53) why dont you just say see you
(11:51:04) why do you insist on fighting with me when ever you can?
(11:51:05) you could care less for me I could tell last night.
(11:51:10) im not
(11:51:27) ok, how about I talk to you when I get home, since you want to fight with me?
(11:51:28) I wanted to see if you really do care about me and everything is alyways ok
(11:51:43) you just agree
(11:51:56) I'm really busy at the moment, I hope you can understand
(11:53:32) oh yeah and i paid my visa visa Bill.Happy birthday to me
(11:53:49) just so you kow
(11:53:51) I said I'd give you a check, but that's ok, I'll just deposit it in the bank
(11:57:43) I am not fighting either.But I will take the kids today shopping.So you do not have to step inside wlamart for me.I really do not want the monkey anyways.
(11:58:19) ok
(11:58:23) if you insist

The monkey was something I was supposed to look for at another store, I haven't found it yet, but I have been looking.

(11:58:50) no tyhats the way it works, but its ok.
(11:59:10) besides I may be at the drs anyways
(11:59:27) why do you need to go to the doctor?
(11:59:36) because I have problems.
(11:59:49) what problems?
(12:00:37) for one my left side of my face is swollen>I woke up like that.have no idea why.Even Malcolm can tell.
(12:00:50) secondley Im fallen.
(12:00:57) where did you fall?
(12:01:07) not literally
(12:01:19) no not like that.Mental ways.
(12:01:58) what's wrong?
(12:02:56) I am feeling Like I use to,Where I hate life again.And all those bad memeories are coming back.
(12:03:21) I do not know why I feel this way.
(12:03:46) hmm, where are you going?
(12:03:52) Dr. D? Dr. B?
(12:04:02) I do not know
(12:04:19) because I stoppd my meds so br b wont want to hear it
(12:04:24) I did all this to myself
(12:04:38) so why go ask for help now
(12:04:51) it's never a bad idea to ask for help
(12:05:27) I feel as though I cant
(12:05:46) can't ask for help?
(12:06:02) I did all this myself.Its all my fault for why I feel the way I do and now I have to deal withthis .somehow
(12:06:18) so go to Dr. B or Dr. D and ask for advice
(12:07:08) no its the same thing.I have to deal with this because its my fault how can you ask for help when its your own fault.
(12:07:45) it's not your fault, you tried, so let the Drs. help you
(12:07:53) why do people think of people being a coward when a person cannot deal with everyday life?

A veiled suicide threat.