I happened to be talking about my work, which is a very touchy subject, while in the past I always made every attempt to avoid this subject, April's at least temporary ephiphany from a few months ago has opened that subject up for discussion, even if on a very shallow level. Very shallow, skimming the surface level.

Well I'm quite frustrated with my boss, the one who got the promotion that I feel I earned and deserved. I need to get out of this job, but I can't, at least not right now. I was saying how I am so frustrated because I've become the go-to information guy, about how to write a survey, how to address other managers, who to hire, who to interview, how to interview for that matter, what has priority and the one that irritates me the most, changing priorities during an intense period of progress on a monumental project to something that is not required for several days.

While I didn't say all of this, that's what's going on in my head, and I needed to vent. I don't know how we got on the subject, but I clearly said a few sentences expressing my disatisfaction. April then reminded me how it was my fault. What? I asked. She said "It's your fault..." I cut her off, because I thought it was a bad joke. I do this from time to time too, and deciding to cut her off before it became unfunny. You see, I hired the guy who is my boss. He used to work for me. April knows this. So I said "It's my fault that I hired <the guy's name>". She said "No, it's your fault that you and <my previous boss> hired Kristin". I said "I didn't hire Kristin, how many times do I have to tell you this?". I then told her to drop the conversation before it gets worse.

Fortunately, I had just finished running four miles on the treadmill, so I was hot, sweaty and probably smelled bad. I told her I was going to take a shower.

Amazingly after I took a shower, the conversation was over, hopefully never to return again. 

It's Christmas, everything is going great. We talk about the kids who are outside at the time enjoying their presents and stuff. All of a sudden, she starts crying, runs to the bedroom.
I ask her what's wrong? She says she only wanted one thing for Christmas and it doesn't cost anything.
I ask her what it is. She won't tell me, she says that if she tells me, it won't mean anything.
I think she's referring to honesty, that I'm supposed to tell her that I'm screwing around on her or something? What else could she want that's worth getting this upset over that doesn't cost anything and if she tells me what it is, loses it's meaning?

Well, I have no idea, eventually, she pulls herself together after one of the kids walk in the house. Then we go about our day. But it troubles me, what could this be? I can't think of anything else. I could lie to her and say "yes, you're right. All this time I've been banging Suzette the neighbor down the street." But that wouldn't do a damn bit of good.

I'm Feeling good about getting off work early, tomorrow's her birthday, we're going to go to a great restaurant for dinner, so I'm leaving early. she IMs me,

 (11:46:41) Her: since it gona be late tonight when you come home we could just always order pizza for supper.
(11:46:53) Me: ok
(11:47:02) you want me to pick it up?
(11:47:20) I guess
(11:47:47) ok, I'll get it
(11:49:42) i dont think i wil worry about a cake either
(11:49:54) ok
(11:49:56) just not int he mood
(11:50:06) i figured you really wouldnt care
(11:50:11) never does.

Well, now I feel lousy, took all of a few minutes.

(11:50:25) I do care honey
(11:50:28) dont bother getting me anything either.
(11:50:35) ok
(11:50:43) see you do not give a fuck
(11:50:53) why dont you just say see you
(11:51:04) why do you insist on fighting with me when ever you can?
(11:51:05) you could care less for me I could tell last night.
(11:51:10) im not
(11:51:27) ok, how about I talk to you when I get home, since you want to fight with me?
(11:51:28) I wanted to see if you really do care about me and everything is alyways ok
(11:51:43) you just agree
(11:51:56) I'm really busy at the moment, I hope you can understand
(11:53:32) oh yeah and i paid my visa visa Bill.Happy birthday to me
(11:53:49) just so you kow
(11:53:51) I said I'd give you a check, but that's ok, I'll just deposit it in the bank
(11:57:43) I am not fighting either.But I will take the kids today shopping.So you do not have to step inside wlamart for me.I really do not want the monkey anyways.
(11:58:19) ok
(11:58:23) if you insist

The monkey was something I was supposed to look for at another store, I haven't found it yet, but I have been looking.

(11:58:50) no tyhats the way it works, but its ok.
(11:59:10) besides I may be at the drs anyways
(11:59:27) why do you need to go to the doctor?
(11:59:36) because I have problems.
(11:59:49) what problems?
(12:00:37) for one my left side of my face is swollen>I woke up like that.have no idea why.Even Malcolm can tell.
(12:00:50) secondley Im fallen.
(12:00:57) where did you fall?
(12:01:07) not literally
(12:01:19) no not like that.Mental ways.
(12:01:58) what's wrong?
(12:02:56) I am feeling Like I use to,Where I hate life again.And all those bad memeories are coming back.
(12:03:21) I do not know why I feel this way.
(12:03:46) hmm, where are you going?
(12:03:52) Dr. D? Dr. B?
(12:04:02) I do not know
(12:04:19) because I stoppd my meds so br b wont want to hear it
(12:04:24) I did all this to myself
(12:04:38) so why go ask for help now
(12:04:51) it's never a bad idea to ask for help
(12:05:27) I feel as though I cant
(12:05:46) can't ask for help?
(12:06:02) I did all this myself.Its all my fault for why I feel the way I do and now I have to deal withthis .somehow
(12:06:18) so go to Dr. B or Dr. D and ask for advice
(12:07:08) no its the same thing.I have to deal with this because its my fault how can you ask for help when its your own fault.
(12:07:45) it's not your fault, you tried, so let the Drs. help you
(12:07:53) why do people think of people being a coward when a person cannot deal with everyday life?

A veiled suicide threat.

(12:08:16) You're not a coward
(12:08:38) well noone wants me.thats how I really feel.
(12:08:44) who said that?
(12:08:52) you
(12:08:58) you do nto care about me
(12:09:01) you are to easy
(12:09:24) I do care about and what do you mean I'm too easy?
(12:09:37) when someone wants to know how you feel an=bout something you agree and they want to hear that you do care.
(12:10:13) you to easy as far as just letting someone give up .
(12:11:13) no, I'm really busy, I don't understand why you don't understand taht
(12:12:06) I do try,but you do not understand where I come from.
(12:12:36) no, I don't.
(12:14:13) like when you are here with me everything is what like we will do this but when I may change my mind as far as dinner,you just say ok.like it really did not mean anything to begin with.I do not understand if I would you would have said that to me I would have ask why dont you want to go or something.I am trying to understand.
(12:15:08) I guess I would have wanted to know why whjat has changed thats all.
(12:15:10) what I'm trying to get you to understand is that I'm really trying to get something done and you're insisting that since I don't give you a big long objection, that I don't care
(12:15:25) the fact of the matter is I do care and you won't beleive me no matter what I say
(12:15:58) ok so you want to let you go then and work?
(12:16:24) yes.
(12:16:56) ok well if you have time for tonight let me know.I do not want to bother you
(12:17:29) ok
(12:17:33) I got dinner, trust me
(12:17:47) dont worry ok
(12:18:05) ok
(12:18:14) my cell phone is dead.
(12:18:23) the battery?
(12:18:26) yes
(12:18:37) ok, well the new batteries should show up soon
(12:18:46) so i do not know where the charger is so it willnot be on.
(12:19:03) do you want to babysit tonight?

I don't know what she means, but I think she means I'm supposed to watch the kids and she's supposed to do what ever she wants to vindicate herself, either "get back at me" or something.

(12:19:03) Ask Aaron
(12:19:08) he is not here
(12:19:12) oh
(12:20:14) ok, well I need to get this done, love you
(12:20:45) just one more thing
(12:20:50) what's that?
(12:20:59) I am taking that money out of the savings and giving it to you

Again, trying to get back at me, I gave her several hundred, well more than several hundred dollars to keep for vacation, I could keep it just as well as she could, but I figured this would be a show of trust, because if I trust her with a week's pay, then maybe she'll trust me.

(12:21:08) its yours not mine.
(12:21:15) why?
(12:23:21) I paid for your and Aaron's new battery, I'd expect to see them next week
(12:23:23) becuase I just feel as though I have to do that.I feel as though we may not be together much longer thats all.I .love you with all my heart. just remember that.I am sorry for everyhting and I know someday You will find the right girl for you.I am not I have to many problems.but if you love me can you just give Madison and I this one last weekened togthe> then I will be out of your hair so to speak.

I don't know what she means.

(12:23:42) what ever, fight with me later, ok?
(12:24:06) no Ineed to get this off my chest>I am not fighting with you
(12:24:19) I lovce you I want you to be happy and I do not make you happy.

Yup, that's right, fighting with me while I'm at work is not going to make me happy.

(12:24:21) ok, well you got it off you chest, now I need to get this done.
(12:25:12) I loe you
(12:25:15) love
(12:25:28) love you
(12:25:40) see you at 600?
(12:25:57) bye honey
(12:26:07) yes, bye sweetei

now I feel like crap. I leave. While I'm gone, she decides to appologize:

 (13:17:14) I just wanted to let you know I am taking the kids to get new shoes.Sorry for earlier.I love you so much.cant wait to see you.I miss you.
(13:17:38) oh yeah amd
(13:17:48) and i hope you day gets easier

I call her to make sure she's awake. She cuts me off, says "go back to your girlfriends, good bye" and hangs up. I figure, fuck her, dumb bitch. I'm not calling her back. Then she IMs me and tries to justify it. 

(13:18:12) April: sorry if i got snotty with you,but thats just how i see it.Yesterday you saw i was on line.but why not today.And the way you rushed off the phone it just pissed me off.
(13:18:12) Me <AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(13:19:17) : I didn't rush off the phone, you did. You said "go back with your girlfriends good bye" and then hung up.
(13:19:51) no you said wel i just wanted to make sure you were awake and acted like you were hanging up anyways.
(13:20:09) no, I was explaining why I called
(13:20:48) and when I got back to my desk, it said you were idle for over 14 hours, so I did not see you online because at least to my computer, you were not online.
(13:21:19) I was online.I check my mail and of course my bank acount.
(13:21:30) ok, I didn't see you.
(13:26:55) ok well i just wanted to explain myself and my reasonings.
(13:27:12) your reasoning was you were jumping to conclusions?
(13:27:38) I just feel like i am always last on your list thats all
(13:28:04) that's why I took the time to call you, when I didn't see you were online, because you're last on my list
(13:30:02) doesn't make sense, does it?
(13:31:51) i do not know what to say.
(13:32:15) this just is a bad day for me.
(13:32:20) why?
(13:32:38) I always get ripped off by guys.
(13:32:49) who ripped you off?
(13:33:19) Doug did not give me al the money for the bowling i ended up paying i guess for Madison
(13:34:40) I ways planning that money to cover up for my transactions,but anyways that is beside the point.
(13:35:09) did you write a check for yourself from my account for the $475?
(13:35:24) no i did not,why would i do that.
(13:35:39) because I've been forgetting to give you a check to do that.
(13:36:20) no i did remind you on several occassions.so i figure you were all talk like usual.
(13:37:09) no, I'm not all talk, and you know it's not usual.
(13:37:10) plus i new you wee out spending mney on this and that.
(13:38:01) i figured bills were more important anyways.
(13:38:14) well i have to go to work
(13:38:24) i will talk to you when you get home
(13:38:27) ok, havea good run
(13:38:27) love you
(13:38:29) love you.
(16:35:06) you there
(16:35:06) <AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(16:37:39) ok guess not

One of the most frequently asked questions, it's currently #5 in a search engine which leads people to this site is "Borderline Personality Jokes". This site is #2 for that query in Google as of today.

I know as well as you do, if you typed that query and got this page, that these "jokes" are not funny.

They go like this:

(13:11:31) April: other then that how is your day?
(13:11:42) Me: well, more bad news.
(13:11:48) I found out my boot leaks.
(13:11:48) what honey
(13:11:54) I broke the cell phone clip.
(13:11:57) oh well thats not that bad
(13:12:06) that's it.
(13:12:10) otherwise, it's good.
(13:12:22) how did you get a leak in your boots
(13:12:38) the clutch pedal has worn through the sole of my left boot.
(13:12:43) oh
(13:12:58) i guess maybe thats why you should wear your dress shoes
(13:13:23) this is a k=joke but did you break you clip having sex
(13:13:37) its just a litttle joke

It's more than a little not funny.

(13:14:28) no, I broke it because I wanted to check the time when I was walkign out of wally world after buying Maddy's monkey.
(13:14:43)it split apart and I can't find the one piece I need to put it back together.
(13:14:44) ok it was a joke anyways 

Today is one of those days when I needed her help. My checking account was short and I asked her to deposit money for me, but the transaction got screwed up somehow, I don't remember all the details and I can't explain to her how these "jokes" aren't "jokes", they're accusations from a deranged mind. I think that April secretly knows this and uses it against me. After all, it's my fault that her account is screwed up.

it's a normal day. The phone rings, I answer it. It's some Dick weed about the piece of shit car that I couldn't afford that got repossessed. He told me he wanted to talk to me about it, I told him good luck and hung up. I forward my phone to voice mail. Hey look you fucking piece of shit predatory lenders, while you didn't put me in the hole I'm in, you took me on as a borrower knowing that more than likely I'd be unable to pay. You shouldn't have done that. You fucking sub prime bastards should rot in hell. I hate you. I hate her too, cause I'd never be in this mess if it wasn't for her. You sacks of shit can get your money a: when I die, b: when you put that piece of shit in my fucking driveway, so I can accidentally cut the tree in the front yard down and it can fall on it (and the mother fucking repo driver too.) I hate you. I hate my life. I want to be normal. What did I ever do to deserve this?

Oh, and I hate the bad-debt buyers. For what the original lender sold this to you, they could have worked with me like I asked them and been thousands of dollars ahead of the game, both of us would in fact.

FUCK YOU!

I'm shocked, yet not surprised that while getting ready for work this morning, April told me that the student who died while working with her , was not working with her. She was with a completely different employee.

I can't imagine why she'd tell me that, perhaps to get me home early, or to get sympathy, I don't know.

If that was the case, she doesn't know me well, people die. It sucks when a young person dies. What can you do, they're dead. If you had nothing to do with it, there's no reason to get emotional about it. All the tears in the world and they'll still be...dead.

A few times in between when it happened and now, she's mentioned that event, referring to herself as being directly involved, not just something that happened to someone she works with.

And what really irritates me about it, since it was such a shock, it made the news, and I told at least three people, close friends and family that it was under April that the kid died. Who of course were much more sympathetic than I am. Fortunately, it's not an issue any more, but what if it stayed an issue and it came out that I told these people something untrue? Not a little white lie either. I'd look like an ass.

But that's neither here nor there.

So many times she's told me how important being honest is to her. She's made me half-crazy trying to figure out when she wants the truth, and when lying to her is just plain easier. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to spend any time fighting over the fact that I spoke to someone who's female about ordinary things people talk about every day. And she's telling me she's lying to me again.