I'm on my way home from work. For some reason, I look down at the phone and see that April's called me. I put the ear bud in my ear, and as I'm about to dial, she calls again. She actually called four times in three minutes. I didn't hear the phone, I'm on the highway, the car is loud, the widow's down. It's Friday and all I want to do is jam to music and drive. The phone is the last thing on my mind.
I answer and I'm forcefully greeted with "Why is it that you answer the phone for anyone else, but you never pick up for me?!". As I try to explain that I was unaware that she called, she continues about how I will pick up for all my friends, relatives, co-workers, etc. etc but I ignore her. Well, first, they don't call me repeatedly, if I don't answer, they leave voice mail. Second, they typically don't bug me at work. The same work where I earned a promotion that I was denied because my friends harassed a co-worker on the phone. That's why the ringtone I set for her is silent. The phone vibrates, but no sound. But that's neither hear nor there.
I try to calm her down, and as I'm doing this, I realize that she has nothing to talk about. She talks to anyone else in the room but she really doesn't want to talk to me, she just wants I don't know what. To check up on me or something.
About 20 minutes or so later, I've finally got her calmed down to the point where she acknowledges my existance again.
She tells me about the big box o' porn she found. It's not mine, I'm not saying where it came from, but she knows I have nothing to do with it. She asks me if I want to look at it in a joking manner. Finally, a civilized person again. Pheww!
I decline to look at the porn. Several times. I'm not sure it that part was good natured ribbing, or if she wants me to say yes.
All I know for sure is next week, I will ride the motorcycle as much as I possibly can, even if it is only 40 degrees, because then, I don't have to worry about phone calls and not answering the phone calls.

A MALE co-worker and good friend is going to a bar in our area to see a band he likes. I happen to like almost any type of music and I don't get to spend much time outside the office with this guy. I asked April if she'd like to see this band play and she says yes. So we set it up to meet and watch the band. Before we leave, I know it's going to be a long night, so I take an hour or so long nap when I get home. I get up, get dressed, we eat dinner, then leave. Before the band starts, we talk. I'm apprehensive. I'm paranoid that he'll make a casual reference to a younger female, or even a non-gendered name, like "Alex". Thankfully, he never did. The band was great, absolutely worth the cover charge. We get home. I get a shower and can't wait to go to bed.
As I'm about to go into the room, April stops me "WE have to TALK". Oh just fucking great. This is bad, this is worse than bad. WTF could she be pissed of about now? She found a condom in our trash can, and just the tiniest little sliver of a package on the bed. She wants to know what I did with it. I tell her I did nothing with it, I didn't touch the thing. Thank goodness it was one out of the drawer in her nightstand. But I knew nothing about it. I remind her that there are three kids in the house, kids tend to be curious, and they were home by themselves for the last several hours. Perhaps they know something, I don't. If she pushes the issue, I'm going to tell her that I've had enough and I'm leaving. It doesn't matter to me that I'm only going to get a few hours sleep before work and that every minute is one minute less sleep I'm going to get. She seems to drop it, maybe she can finally read the frustration in my face? I don't know. I go to sleep as fast as possible.

April's moody and doesn't want to talk to me. But not the typical deafening silence type moods, just a little irritable kind a mood. The kids all denied anything with being in her drawers, so the confession by one of the kids as to whom got the condom out didn't happen. She seems to snap out of her mood.

I hurt my finger over the weekend, I did it real good. Swelled up like a sausage. So I called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning and got an appointment. The family doctor wanted me to see a specialist, get X-rays, all that good stuff. So I go to the specialist. He says don't go to the loading docks for a week. It's midnight. So now I'm calling in sick, for a week. My boss says he thinks he has something I can do that won't be as strenuous. I tell him I won't be in tonight, maybe tomorrow. April comes up the stairs as I'm hanging up. She says "the doctor said you can't work for a week." Well I know that. I also know I'm going to miss the money and that it will be harder to come back after being off for a week. As much as I'm willing to do something else for the same money, even pushing a broom or what ever. I finally say "fine, I won't go in tomorrow." Just so I can go back to bed.

April asks me if her pupils are small. I ask "what did you take now?" She says "nothing". I tell her "tell me what you took." She says "I don't know, pain pills." I ask where the rest are. She tells me there aren't any more. I say, "you've got problems, you need to address this, it sets a very bad example for the kids". She says "the kids don't know." Like that makes a difference. She says "you're mad at me." I say "I'm jut disappointed." She says "it's not all the time." I ask her why she did it. She says "I was bored. I wanted to feel good." There aren't a hundred other things to do this time of year to cure boredom that make you feel good. Maybe not, but there's got to be at least a dozen. She wants to fuck. I don't want to fuck. I want to go to sleep and dream of a normal relationship. I ask her where are the other ones. She insists there are no others and starts pulling things out of her purse to show me. Then she hands me the bag (with a good 20 or more things still in it) for inspection. Sure enough, there's another bottle. It's her 16 year old 240lb son's pain meds, probably from a dental visit, I don't know, the drug is hydrocodone (vicodin). I take the bottle and continue examining the contents. There's a few sets of keys, ones she didn't know she had, but I recognize as keys she should have. Another pill box, it's empty. She wants to fuck still. I tell her I don't want to, cause since she took this stuff, it's going to take forever. It won't be a good orgasm, it's just going to be lame. She insists. Well she claims she did have an orgasm, but she could have fooled me. I finish the deed and go to bed. 

I'm finished with dinner, and I'm outside smoking a cigarette. April stomps over to the door and says "you are awful." I can only imagine what the hell I've done now. She repeats a few things from an article off WebMD or Redbook or somewhere called "11 secrets not to tell the wife". Oh shit, I'm in for it now. Yes, some of them are true, big fucking deal. Fortunately she doesn't make as big of a deal out of it as I expected. 

I'm at Lowes buying some minor parts for a project I'm working on. I spent a whole 98 cents, a real shopping spree. I went with a co-worker, a female coworker who needed to buy a piece of lumber. It was a conincience, I told a different co-worker "I'm goiing to Lowes", which is an inside joke, but I was really going to Lowes. She said, I have to go to, you can help me load a board I need to get. I say sure. The whole time I'm in the store, far away from the female co-worker, I pray April doesn't call. I check out, the co-worker checks out, and 10 minutes after I leave the store, April IM's me. Of course, I wasn't there.

(13:09:25) April: hi honey
(13:12:30) oh well who knows where u messing around 
(13:15:12) where are you
(13:21:32) well I waited long enough, i guess you are back to being the person you were before.hope you had fun

I IM her back:

(13:24:23) Me: you there?
(13:24:45) I was at lowes, I picked up those plastic ends for the dryer connection.
(13:35:22) yeah ok
(13:35:22) <AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(13:35:39) you don't have to beleive me if you don't want to.
(13:35:53) well i wont
(13:36:09) so how was your day?
(13:36:19) wWAS
(13:36:49) WAS OK UNTIL I WANTED TO TALKTO YOU AND YOU WERE OUT !
(13:37:21) sorry, I coulld have taken the time on my way home instead, would that have been better?
(13:37:55) WELL I SAID I WANTED TO GO TO LOWES REMEMBER
(13:38:03) you did? when?
(13:38:30) I even went to ace to see if they had that drill which they do not thinking that i was doing something nice for you
(13:38:48) ah remember it was the night we wemt to walmart
(13:39:02) this one had the $0.18 part that we couldn't find at the lowes by us, instead last time i had to use the $1.(something) part and I needed two of them this time.
(13:39:03) i said about getting a nice weed wacker
(13:39:15) yes, I remember you saying that.
(13:39:28) ok then.
(13:39:31) but it still doesn't account for the fact that the lowes by us doesn't have the part.
(13:39:46) how do you know maybe they have them now
(13:39:54) ok, we'll look.
(13:39:56) how did you know that one had them up there
(13:40:25) I didn't. I needed a break, you weren't online, so I went to lowes and spent a whole 98 cents.
(13:40:40) WOW
(13:40:57) yes. we'll need to take out a second mortgage.
(13:41:13) LIKE YOU COULDNT TEXT ME OR SOMETHING ANY OTHER TIME I AM PAIN IN YOUR ASS TO CHAT WITH LIKE PULLING MONEY OUT OF YOUR ASS

This conversation isn't doing a good job of convincing me otherwise.

(13:41:33) I chat with you anytime you want to chat and I have time.
(13:41:58) like you are that busy all the time!
(13:42:23) you make time for whatever is convient for you
(13:42:44) ok.
(13:49:14) what would you like to talk about? 

Well, I've finally got her off that kick. Geez, big friggin' deal. She didn't know I was out with a co-worker, it was an ordinary, mundane trip to the hardware store. I can't tell her "hey, I saved a little bit on gas too, cause I didn't drive". She'd totally flip if I told her that. So I eat a cookie. And another and another and another and a bag of teddy grahams. This is not good for me, or for her. I hate this.

Against my better judgment, I bought five tickets to a local amusement park that my company is sponsoring an employee day out at. Last year we didn't go, cause I was afraid she'd make a huge scene. This year, I'm afraid she'll make a scene anyway, but maybe not as bad. Or maybe I'll be gone in the Marines by then. I hope and pray it's the latter. I really don't know how long I can do this. 

I'm working on the car, it's taking a lot longer to do this job than I expected or wanted it to. Aaron says something about April snooping in my phone while I was taking a break. Like I said, this job is taking way longer than I expected. April says "well I can flush it", runs in the house, grabs my phone, runs in the bathroom. I chase after her, she has the phone in her hand and she's taunting me with it. I put my hand in front of her face, it's covered in grease. I really don't want to do anything, but I don't want her to destroy a $100 phone either. Finally, she decides to be a normal person and put my phone back. I take it and lock it, then lock it in the trunk. She claims that there's strange numbers on there. Well, there is a different number, a co-worker, who I've been letting use my parking space, because my company is stupid and makes new people park in an auxillary lot, I'm not taking the space at the moment, so I'm letting her use it. I call her in the morning to give her my key card so she can park in the lot. So that's the number April found. She threatened to call it. WTF! She's going to humilate me again. If I didn't have to fix the car, I'd leave. I mean it. I'm thinking "you flushed my career, you flushed my credit, you flush my phone and you'll have managed to put everything in the crapper of mine." I'm just being a nice guy, the kind of guy I've always been and I always get burned. To make matters worse, I've broken at least four tools doing this stupid job and found out one I bought months ago that was part of a package is worthless, I don't know where the receipt is. I would buy better quality tools, but I don't have the money. I don't have the money cause I did dumb things to appease her, like buying a vehicle we didn't need and couldn't afford and several diamond rings that I didn't want to buy, but I did so she wouldn't freak out and threaten to kill herself. I wonder how long it would take to get the stuff that matters to me, things that can't be replaced and leave everything else? I hate my life. 

My phone is going off to wake me up. I can't figure out how to unlock the damn thing. I'm pissed. If April were NORMAL, this wouldn't happen. I climb back in bed for a few extra minutes rest. She says "They say you shouldn't go to bed angry." Well darling, first, I'm not going to bed angry, I'm waking up angry. And second, you seem to have no qualms about going to bed angry or waking up angry for no reason at all. I at least have a god damn good reason to be angry, I think you've just helped me destroy my phone. Thanks.