I managed to make it home after being awake for over 27 hours straight, working 15 total hours, seven busting my butt moving boxes. Remember the guy who sits around all day and has such an easy job? I somehow survived the drive home, I swear I felt my eyes close for more than a blink too many times.
I went outside to do something, I don't know what. When I come back in, April gets on me, that I must be gay, because I sent my co-worker a text message "Shake and bake". "What does that mean?" I sent it cause I was waiting too long for him to get cofee, he was stopping in the can first, a gentle reminder to get moving and I thought it was kinda funny. Well I tell her that it's from "Taledage Nights", that Wil Farrell's character says that alot. And I think it's funny. And that's not the point, I tell her that she promised not to go snooping in my phone any more. She says "I have reasons now". Now is the time I'm going to pay for some woman who spoke to me in earshot of April. It's hard to remember what was said, because of the sleep deprivation, not just yesterday going into today, but all week long. I've only been sleeping four or five hours a night, and now I'm so tired. I remember she said "we should just break up". And that's fine by me, bitch. Fuck you, you've pushed me one time too many. I tell her "works for me". I try to think what I should take, my car, which is not legal on the road and face at least two $150 fines? My bike, I'll surely kill myself "blinking". Should I start walking? I take my jacket and she says "you're tired, you should go to bed". Well DUH! I am so tired. I agree to go to bed. When I wake up nine hours later, all of a sudden, everything is ok again with April.
Well, I survived the weekend, I'm back at work and ordinarily, I'd stay longer, but I told them I had to leave at the same time April gets off work, so that we can go get coffee and spend some time together. I walked down the way we're not supposed to walk down, because it's just a whole lot easier that way. I see April's done work, but talking to her boss, so I head over to my motorcycle and change my shirt, mine is soaked in sweat.
She comes over to me, we talk for a little bit, they want her to work second shift for two days, we agree to meet at a convenience store. I drive over and meet her.
I ask her if she wants anything, she says no. I fill a cup with coffee and pay. While I'm drinking the coffee, she tells me that she saw me talking to the girl in the red bandanna. I tell her she's imagining things, because it didn't happen. She says she saw the girl in the red bandanna follow me out of work, past her talking to her boss. She watched me walking down smiling at her. I tell her it didn't happen. Since this is just plain embarrassing, I head outside to smoke a cigarette and I hope end this conversation. When we're outside, April's doing the silent treatment. I ask her what she's planning for dinner. She ignores me. I say "Hello!?". Well, now she answers. She says she doesn't know. She says "I'm going to confront her. I know when she gets off work, I'll be off work and..." I say "stop, you need to call your sister and find out where Dr. D. went." She says "yes, we do need to go see him". And then she says "you won't admit to what I saw". I reply "You didn't see anything, nothing happened." She says "you won't admit it cause it's true. You treat me like I'm insane." Well lady, you are insane. I now completely regret every encouraging you to get a job at my work. You need some serious help AGAIN. And it's damn frustrating. I tell her that she's risking both our jobs. She says she doesn't care. So she's lasted three lousy weeks at a job and she's trying to destroy not only her job, but mine, again. She's shivering, I ask her if she's cold. She says no, she's mad. She's mad that I'm screwing around on her. I tell her I'm not, and she needs to knock it off. I manage to get her off the subject for a bit. Soon enough, she's back on it again. I put my arms around her, look straight in her eyes with my forehead against hers and tell her she needs to call her sister, leave a message and ask her sister to get back to her with where Dr. D. went. We need to talk to him A.S.A.P. She agrees and she's a bit calmer now, but I know I'm once again going to lose. Unless this girl in the bandanna quits for some unknown reason, it's going to go badly. Well, it's time for me to go to work, she says something, I forget what, but demeaning my job. I tell her it's going to be a rough day. She says "you have that meeting?" I always have a meeting this day of the week. I say "and I'm not looking forward to that either." I give her a kiss goodbye and she leaves. The whole way to work, I drive thinking about what I need to do. I can only hope that she gets an appointment with Dr. D and I'm going to break up with her then. That's all I can do, I'm done.
I wrote the letter that I can only hope to read during a therapy session. I'm at my wits end. It's a lousy letter. I reorganized it slightly the next day.
I feel I have tried. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how I try, I will fail.
This recent fascination with "the girl in the red bandanna", is yet another imagined tryst that I am involved in. First, it was a subordinate of mine. Then it was Beth. There were a few others in between. So I learned that it's best not to tell you anything. One day you found out about Kristin and we saw where that went. Then it was Kourtney. I reassured you it was not and then Kourtney quit and all was good for a while. And this is how I was repaid with the openness that I thought would be good. You claimed that since I never introduced you to Beth, that something must have been going on. So I introduced you to everyone I knew when the opportunity presented itself. So you accused me of being involved with Kourtney. Again, I remained a closed book, letting you imagine that I only work with guys. See, I can't succeed. Open or closed, it doesn't work out.
When we met, I had dreams, goals and a plan. I had worked very hard to achieve those dreams, the goals are no longer with in reach.
I own nothing, the home I owned, was sold. The car I owned is held by a bank. I have defaulted on two loans, I have thousands of dollars more debt now than I ever did. I accumulated this debt trying to make you happy. Then I worked two jobs to have fun, now I work two jobs to survive.
My friends, the ones you do not approve of, despite never meeting them, some I still am in contact with, secretly, just so I have someone to talk to, to keep my sanity. I feel immense guilt despite having done nothing wrong. I have been accused of cheating, yet I've never cheated. I pay for this accusation again and again. I have no privacy and while I have nothing to hide, what the greatest mind can imagine will draw a picture of infidelity, mistrust and abuse.
I've tried to be the opposite of what you despise, your ex-husband. He was such a horrible controlling person, but I think he was the one who was able to control your illness. I can not do that. I can not put you in chains and make you walk the line. So I let you be you. In return, you've cost me a promotion I earned. You cost me this because I let you into the inner circle of people I work with. You returned this openness with accusations against a co-worker who did nothing to you. My co-workers tried to understand you, to tolerate you, if for just a few hours and have fun. Within a week, you took something from me which meant so much to me, but nothing to you. You took it because you could. I warned you, I begged you not to, but you did anyway.
You took my dog from me, you jealous bitch. What harm did my dog ever do to you? She's dead because you insisted she leave, you had to keep me all to yourself.
You took the selflessness, when I mentored kids at the high school, that took too much time, time that you were sleeping anyway. How did this harm you? It couldn't. Then you stuck me with airline tickets for the trip you said you'd go on, and since I could not go, I felt like such an asshole, I never went back to mentoring. That made me feel good about myself, to control me, right?
You encouraged me to take out loans for you, saying you'd help pay and I paid for most entirely on my own. I'm still paying on some. I hid the $11,000 I borrowed from my mom from you because I had a plan, to pay off one of the loans that you stuck me with. When you found out, you insisted on having a say in where it went and somehow, nothing I intended to accomplish was done. The end result, that fucking minivan I didn't want got repoed and yet another black mark on my credit. I let you stick me with this because I fear you. Your solution was always "declare bankrupcy", well, yes, your credit is better, now over seven years after the last time you did that, but I know it was a real pain in the ass, because I watched you and tried to help you when I could.
I fear that you'd embarrass me at work, and even though I complied with your silent demands, you still embarrassed me at work, because I let you.
I need to live, I need to live without feeling as though I'm under your thumb all the time. Do you realize that in order to get home without "being 20 minutes late" every day, I drive faster? I already drive fast to begin with. My license has been suspended so many times. The first time while we were together that it was suspended even longer was because of $100. One hundred dollars that I didn't have, in a year, you moved me from doing fine, to not even getting by. I spent a day in Jail because I got caught driving when I owed fines on that time that I could not pay because I was trying to balance paying for a minivan I did not want, that we did not need, but I signed the paperwork on because I was afraid of you.
I said I bought you a ring that I did not want to buy, and another, and another and another. You seemed to think that a few thousand dollars of gold would make your life so much better somehow. You threw two of them in the yard, because you were mad at me, I don't remember exactly why, but I think it was because you were jealous of my sitting next to my mom at a concert. Even though you were on my other side. You should know now, that instead of risking more financial damage, I returned the ring.
Yes, that means I lie to you. And if that makes you feel justified in how you've treated me over the years, that's fine by me. But you should know that I lie to you because unlike the times that I've told you the truth about really simple petty stuff... "had a beer with Beth", "stopped by Russ' house after work","I talk to Jill", remember her? She died. I didn't tell you she died the day I found out because I knew I didn't want to hear your reaction and when I finally did tell you, you said "the bitch deserved what she got". Jill may not have been perfect, but that's a really harsh sentence for someone who spoke to someone you claimed to love. And it made me feel more horrible than ever. I didn't go to her funeral, because I could only expect more of the same if I did. I sat at my desk crying while others were at the funeral. I wasn't crying because my friend died, at least not entirely. I was so distraught with what I had to live with, the horrible treatment on a regular basis, and I really tried to be understanding and treat you well.
I lie to you about bills, I lie to you about costs, I never tell you who I talk to. And oddly enough, when I don't talk to anyone, you'll just pull some random shit out of the air to accuse me of doing. back to the girl with the red bandanna. I looked it's a day later than when you accused me of smiling and chatting with the girl with the red bandanna, I watched a driver walk up from the shack towards me. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU SAW ME SMILING OR TALKING AT THAT DISTANCE. Not only because I wasn't, but because you can't see facial expressions at that distance and my eyesight is better than yours. All I could tell was that the driver was a guy, that's it. And even so, I didn't know the girl in the red bandanna was even there, if she was. I really don't know her, or her name, which is good, because any time you have a name, it's a recipe for disaster, just like with Kristin. I won't go over where that went again. I lie, I lie, I lie. I lie because unlike tell you the truth, lying doesn't solicit the same outbursts, silent treatments, and other abuse any where near as frequently. I am a truthful person, but for you, I must lie to get by.
But that doesn't mean that I won't receive the abuse, just a little less often.
I blame you for a lot of things and I know that I have no one to blame but myself. If I had left you so many years ago when your outburst resulted in buying you a diamond ring and making a promise which could never come true, I can not say I'd be happy, but I wouldn't be doing this now. If I picked my dog over you like I should have, if I told you to leave when you demanded more loans, if I would have given up when you insisted on a minivan, when you would snoop through my bank accounts and make ridiculous accusations, snoop through my phone, accused me of screwing your sister, your niece, the neighbor, MY MOM you sicko. I still can't believe you said that. if I would have left when a hundred other times, at least it would be done and we both would have moved on with our lives.
When we met, I had nothing, relatively speaking now that I am leaving, I have so much less than nothing.
I know that everything I've just said is lost on you. You've been lost since the first sentence. Don't ever think that I don't care about you, or that I never did care. I do, I did. If I didn't I would have split up a long time ago. I simply no longer have any hope that we can be a normal couple. So it's not fair to either one of us to stay. I sincerely hope we can be friends, we've had a lot of good times together and this does not have to be the end. I hope you'll allow me to remain in the children's lives, although I suspect that out of spite, you will not. I think I've been a positive role model, while imperfect. I hope they find better relationships than the one we showed them.
Please do not harass me at work. While I'm leaving there too, to protect myself from your certain rage, I will make sure that you have at least three months of medical coverage to get you back on your feet.
I have no idea where I'm going, but please give me a call or an email in a few months, but do not try to find me. Of the few places I feel I can go, you will not be able to follow me, that's why I've chosen those places.
I know you'll immediately assume, you probably already have, that the only reason I'm doing this is because I've found someone else. I assure you that this is not the case. In fact, I have no plans to ever get involved in another relationship because this one has scarred me very badly.
I hope you'll continue with therapy and I'll gladly pay for it if you need me to. You have a problem and there's a solution right here. You have to find it. It will not come to you if you do not look.
I am leaving $50 for cab fare and I'll pay the receptionist on my way out. I know this is very undignified, but if I don't this like so many other things will end with you begging for forgiveness, threatening me, my job, my friends and family or yourself and the cycle will go on another round.
This is what I want, more importantly, this is what I need. I know that eventually, you'll be fine and perhaps even happy. As for me, I will not know if I do not try and I know, without a doubt that this is the only option.
Please let me leave without a scene.
She finally called Dr. D. He retired and moved about 2,000 miles away.
In the morning, we fight at at a convenience store about the red-bandanna girl, I say I'm done. Write her a letter, call the storage place, make the payment, buy my friend lunch to return a favor.
I can't do this any more. I'm sorry, we're through. Your constant thinking that you have nothing to lose pains me in so many ways. It has cost both of us more than can be counted. Much worse, you're completely wrong when you think "I have nothing to lose", because in fact you have nothing to gain and EVERYTHING TO LOSE.
Your recent fascination with the girl in the red bandanna and whomever this new girl with the ponytail is, are unwarranted. I have never cheated on you, yet you say over and over again that I am unfaithful. Many times I tell you how this is untrue and bothers me and that this is the last time, the next time I will leave. Well, this is the next time, and I am leaving.
Please do not do anything stupid. You've gotten incredibly lucky in your new job, you may have a supervisory position available very soon. Opportunities like this do not come along often, if ever. This is the first time I've heard of someone entirely new to a field who may be promoted to a supervisor in a matter of a few months. Do not screw this up by confronting anyone. You will not only be shown to be wrong, you'll be humiliated but most importantly, you'll be fired and IT'S NOT WORTH IT. IT JUST NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. Please think of your children when you act.
Please seek counseling. I've been begging you to go back for months, and you refuse. I highly recommend you call Mental Health on Monday. You are much better than you were before, but your accusations, silent treatment and general disrespect to me is too much. You get better, you get worse, you get better, you get worse. The ups and downs can be smoothed out, but I doubt you can do this on your own. I'll never mention it again, but I am begging you, pleading with you, go to therapy. Otherwise, I am convinced, you will find yourself in the same situation again and again. I do not think most people are as patient as I am.
I will pay the rent this month, next month you are on your own. I also think you should call whomever you need to call to get housing assistance, because you'll also be paying the bills. I will call everyone but the phone company on Monday to have everything transferred to you. I think I can transfer the phone to you without calling anyone and I will do that on Monday as well.
I'm sorry that it has come to this, but you have been told over and over again there are consequences to your actions and you could not leave well enough alone.
Do not make a scene. We can part ways with dignity, it's easier for both of us this way. Your outbursts in the past make me incredibly apprehensive when we are in public.
Do not try to get me fired or contact me at work or any of my co-workers. I think we're better off without the embarrassment this would cause, even though you aren't able to understand this before you act. So just don't do it.
I hope in the future we can be friends. I hope to maintain some sort of relationship with the kids, but I suspect you will cut me off from them. Unlike your ex, I will not harass your family. Please call your sister or someone as soon as possible for support, you will need this sooner rather than later. I will try to help you as much as I can, because I do care about you a lot, I just can't deal with your behavior any more.
Please be safe, I know you are still thinking you have nothing to lose, but you still have a lot to lose and nothing to gain by what ever revenge you think you can enact upon me. Go to counseling, think of your children and your future. I truly wish you the best, I really, really do.
Fuck her, right?
Well, when I get home, she seems all normal and shit. I tell her what I plan to do, she starts crying and shit. Why me? Why can't she just be a bitch and not be home when I get home so I can leave?
Everything was going great, go for a walk. While on the walk, my mom calls, talks to me for 15 minuts. April gets pissed off won't talk to me or be sociable for the rest of the night.
Posted: 2011-10-21 13:47:00April's been having car problems lately, you step on the clutch and move the shifter, you gotta pull really hard to make it sihft.
I tell her I'll fix it as soon as I can.
she demands to know why I called my boss on the way to work, what time did I get there and everything else, this is because she's been snooping in my phone again. I'm going to put a graphic of Peanuts' Snoopy with a red "NO" sign over him on my phone.
She's been more bitchy than usual too, partly because she's had a cold, but mostly because she hasn't been getting any because she was sick. That's my humble opinion anyway. I'm pretty pissed off about the phone thing. I tell her I'm getting a shower and she's dawdling around, she vacuums the floor it's not like it's a pig sty or anything, it can wait. I have to go to bed soon, if she wants to have sex, she better get moving. I get more pissed as I get out of the shower, go to the bedroom, dry off and wait. I'm getting even more pissed off as we get less and less time while April decides she needs to rearrange the laundry. I'm really irritated about this, enough that I'd leave if it weren't for the fact that this coming weekend, we've got something really special planned for the kids. Finally, she decides she's ready and everything works, but of course, this doesn't erase the frustration I've been feeling.
I meet her for breakfast, I can tell something is wrong. She's doing the lip curl, being really quiet, all nervous and such. I ask her if she wants to talk to me outside about it. She starts crying as she tells me that she made a mistake at work, I don't think it's that big a deal. It is a big deal, but not that BIG a deal. She says she's just going to turn in her resignation. It's certainly not enough to get that upset about. She's all upset she thinks she's gonna get fired. I tell her not to worry and try to cheer her up. Then it's time for me to go to work.
After work, she's upset again, same thing. I try to cheer her up and it's temporary. We need to go get a few things for the weekend, as we go shopping, she turns back into the silent searing bitch from this morning. I ask her questions on what we should do for dinner, she's indecisive, I ask her what color socks she needs, she doesn't know, I ask her lots of things and she just gives ambivelent responses, when she decides to respond. I try to hold her hand and cheer her up and she gets really bitchy. I really feel like telling her to take a hike. I pay $180 for this shit we need and we leave and get dinner. After dinner, I still try to cheer her up. I don't feel like doing this, the reward for my efforts is super bitch. Finally, I drag her to the bedroom, let her lay next to me as she insists we don't have enough time, then well she has her period, and I kiss her and hold her and tell her everything's going to be ok. And she says "I'm just going to call into work" and I say "it's no big deal" And all seems ok for just the slightest bit and I've lost an extra half an hour of sleep.
indicates post was from memory.