April was talking to me on the phone, I'm almost ready leave work.

She told me that last night when she was getting something fixed on her car, the mechanic drug her into the bathroom and made her give him a blow job. She told me that she kept asking him to stop and she asked him why "he's making me do this". I'm really mad. I tell her I'm leaving work and we can talk about it when I get home.

April's ex insisted on calling the police regarding the sexual assault. I was trying to convince her to do it on her own. The cop asked her to go to the hospital and have a rape kit done, which she agreed to do. She also gave them the clothes she was wearing so they can test it. They gave her victim's assistance's number, and I did my best to comfort her during this horrible ordeal.

They gave me a bunch of stuff on what she may go through and how I should act. 

She was talking to me on the phone and she heard Kristin, a new co-worker of mine laugh. Kristin's been here about a month or so. She asked who it was. I said it's a co-worker.

She got upset because I didn't tell her about Kristin. Well duh, I'm not telling her shit that makes her mad, I'm not stupid.

Now she's all concerned about how we act in my department. We have a tendency to be quite vocal and open in my department. She's known this all along, why the hell does it make a difference now? She gets mad and hangs up. I say "Love you, talk to you soon" to dead air so my co-workers don't know about my bat shit crazy girlfriend.

Later, she decides to fight with me over IM.

Her
Me
well I guess your fuckin off somewhere.
no, why would you think that?
how's your day going?
thats all you guys do is laugh and have a party

April was on the computer, I walked in, I found out that she registered on a dating site. What the hell? She gives me shit all this time about cheating and here she is on a dating site! Honestly, I really don't care, I hope she finds someone she can drive crazy who isn't me.

I hope this is my way out, she finds somebody else, I leave, everything is on "good" enough terms and voila! 

April has gone back to work after about three weeks off.

(9:16:25 AM) Me:  Hi honey!
(9:16:40 AM) April:  hey
(9:16:46 AM) how did your run go?
(9:17:43 AM) ok the kids where happy to see me
(9:18:10 AM) were they out 10 mins early like they're supposed to be?
(9:18:19 AM) yes
(9:18:27 AM) good.
(9:18:47 AM) how do you feel?
(9:18:59 AM) i guess ired and stressed
(9:19:11 AM) what are you stressed about?
(9:19:20 AM) don't know everything
(9:19:34 AM) that Dick said that cool and we can be friends
(9:19:47 AM) good, see, no big deal, right?
(9:20:01 AM) right
(9:20:46 AM) did you have any problems with the people at work?
(9:21:39 AM) no didn't say anything to them other then hi but then its was the cool ones ot the nosy ones
(9:22:01 AM) why id you sign up for yahoo
(9:22:07 AM) hopefully you wont' see the nosy ones.
(9:22:21 AM) I didn't sign up for yahoo, why?
(9:23:02 AM) all yu just changed it to a smilie instead of the guy
(9:23:23 AM) look at the buddy list
(9:23:30 AM) I didn't know you can do that.
(9:23:42 AM) well who did it
(9:23:43 AM) oh, wait, I know why, cause you're logged into yahoo messenger too.
(9:23:55 AM) that's why I show up as a smilie.
(9:25:40 AM) oh, Maddy said she was buying today, was that right?
(9:25:48 AM) yeah
(9:26:05 AM) ok. It was kinda weird, I came out of the shower, she started crying.
(9:26:12 AM) I'm like what's the matter?
(9:26:22 AM) She says "Mommy forgot to make my lunch"
(9:26:30 AM) I said, "It's ok, we'll make it now"
(9:26:38 AM) That's when she remembered she was buying.
(9:26:46 AM) she said she wanted to but=y
(9:27:41 AM) i think it may have been to early to go back to work
(9:27:55 AM) ok, did you tell ron yet?
(9:27:55 AM) moe depressed now then i was
(9:28:01 AM) no
(9:28:19 AM) i will just have to dea with it
(9:28:55 AM) if you think it's too early, then it's too early. We'll be fine financially.
(9:28:57 AM) its like i go by there 4 times
(9:29:26 AM) no you made the decision you wanted me to go back so I will

This is news to me. A few days ago, she told me she was going to call her boss and tell him she'd be back to work today.

(9:29:38 AM)  you don't have to go back honey.
(9:31:00 AM) as far as going up to the usic thing with your mom you can but i am not.i am mad at her anyways
(9:31:09 AM) ok, no problem.
(9:31:20 AM) we dont' have to go.
(9:31:59 AM) you can your up your mom ass anyways and yur whole family is up there they except you to do everything
(9:32:18 AM) it's not like that.
(9:32:44 AM) everytime they need something who do they call
(9:33:25 AM) its like you can't have your own life and family
(9:33:52 AM) well Keith calls me about computer stuff, because that's what I know. If your sister was a great chef, who would you call if you had a question about filet minon.
(9:34:00 AM) I do have my own life and my own family.
(9:34:30 AM) no i would do it myself and however it turn out it would turn out
(9:35:02 AM) i just have to much bullshit o me right noew
(9:35:10 AM) talk to me.
(9:35:22 AM) noone can seem to understand my feelins
(9:35:41 AM) I try.
(9:35:55 AM) i want to be me again and i am lost somewhere no one knows
(9:36:19 AM) I want you to be you again too.
(9:36:21 AM) i don't ejoy my jobanymore
(9:36:25 AM) I want to help find you.
(9:36:34 AM) do you want me to call ron for you and tell him you won't be in this afternoon?
(9:36:41 AM) no
(9:36:46 AM) ok.
(9:36:54 AM) i had to go this morning so now i will suffer
(9:37:33 AM) you don't have to suffer. Ron said he'd work with you, so if you think it's too early. You don't have to go back.
(9:38:10 AM) just the ring thing thing i thought it would make me happy but i feel like you really do not want me to have it

Another one, $2500 down the drain.

(9:38:21 AM) why do you feel that way?
(9:38:24 AM) like no meanings
(9:39:20 AM) i don't know how i feel anymore about anything and i am really trying to geet better but its not working
(9:39:36 AM) what can I do to help you?
(9:39:59 AM) i am always angry, i don't want to be around people. i just don't know
(9:40:48 AM) those are normal feelings under the circumstances, so I wouldn't worry about them too much.
(9:41:20 AM) like easterday when i came home from the game, you did oyur thing in the shed until keith called then it was your mom
(9:42:13 AM) so thats suppose to make it all better because thats how i am suppose to feel
(9:42:29 AM) so caled normal feelings
(9:42:33 AM) no it's not supposed to make it all better. I want to help you, but I dont' know how.
(9:44:56 AM) ou know if it was up to me i would leave this state then i would be away from all the problem wouldn't have to deal with <the car dealer> and allthose asshole
(9:45:23 AM) my mom even feels like going in there and raising hell with them
(9:45:35 AM) she's not the only one, but that won't solve the problem.
(9:45:39 AM) thats not usually her type
(9:46:34 AM) i ahve to deal with this the rest of my lefe,I can't seem it getting any betterr
(9:46:48 AM) it's only been a few weeks, it'll get better.
(9:47:38 AM) you do not relize how emotionly scarved i am
(9:47:51 AM) no I don't but I want to help you.
(9:48:55 AM) my mom tells me I need to keep fighting but am not sure how much more fighting the feelings I can do
(9:49:09 AM) I'm here for you sweetie.
(9:49:18 AM) at right now nothig makes me happy
(9:50:22 AM) i just ave this big numb, empyness inside of me. I do not want to talk ti people and i do not want to be around them.I do not know much right now
(9:50:43 AM) ok, that's not a problem. We can deal with this.
(9:52:27 AM) i went to bed lastnight crying
(9:52:37 AM) I know, I held you.
(9:52:42 AM) i feel like i have noone
(9:52:48 AM) I'm here for you.
(9:53:44 AM) right now i am not fit to be around my kids
(9:53:57 AM) why do you feel that way?>
(9:54:30 AM) because they see me all upset,yelling at them
(9:54:40 AM) when were you yelling at them?
(9:55:02 AM) i didi when Aaron wasmowing
(9:55:38 AM) you were concerned about his safety. It's not like you were yelling at him for dropping a cookie on the floor.
(9:57:20 AM) i am not sure where i will be tonight
(9:57:29 AM) what do you mean?
(9:57:35 AM) does Malcolm have a baseball game?
(9:57:40 AM) no
(9:57:49 AM) you just need some time away?
(9:57:55 AM) no
(9:58:32 AM) Signing Maddy up for girl scouts?
(9:58:38 AM) o
(9:59:10 AM) ok, well what ever you need, just ask. If you need me to come home early to watch the kids, I'll do it.
(9:59:26 AM) they will be with me
(9:59:31 AM) ok.
(10:00:33 AM) you don't want to be around us anyways
(10:00:45 AM) what do you mean I dont' want to be around you?
(10:01:16 AM) i do alot of things myself these days
(10:02:04 AM) just like the ring thing you were so unreal
(10:02:13 AM) what do you mean I was unreal?
(10:02:24 AM) made me feel like whu even accept it
(10:03:22 AM) you just weren't ready
(10:03:35 AM) what do you mean I just wasnt' ready?
(10:04:07 AM) the way you acted, like it was a shore
(10:04:26 AM) I don't know what you mean "like it was a shore"?
(10:04:34 AM) that you didn't want to
(10:04:50 AM) if I didn't want to I wouldn't have done it.
(10:05:18 AM) well like always i had to ask for it
(10:05:44 AM) only had it since thursday
(10:05:49 AM) I had an idea as to how I wanted to do it. You couldn't wait, so I did it your way.
(10:06:14 AM) you always say that
(10:06:38 AM) what was your so called plan
(10:06:50 AM) don't even ask. iit doesn't matter.
(10:06:55 AM) I'm mad.
(10:07:31 AM) laying in bed before having sex
(10:08:13 AM) fine i will return it over the weekend
(10:08:17 AM) I said I'm mad. I'm really really mad at the moment. let me calm down. But I'm mad. I'm not going to say anything that I'm going to regret later.
(10:08:30 AM) so I'll call you later today, when I'm not mad any more.
(10:08:49 AM) well now you know how i feel
(10:09:51 AM) why do i even bother
(10:10:04 AM) now you know how I fee.
(10:10:05 AM) feel.
(10:10:40 AM) trust me the way i feel is so much worst
(10:11:00 AM) I believe you. But I want to help you.
(10:11:32 AM) so take that adness times million
(10:12:54 AM) i will let you go and i will cry like ihave been for the last hour
(10:13:12 AM) have a great
(10:13:25 AM) I'm sorry, but I really don't want to chat right now. I'm really mad. I'll call you later.
(10:13:36 AM) I really want to help you, I want to help you get better.
(10:13:51 AM) I want you to feel good.
(10:14:19 AM) you have no reason to be mad at me i didn't do anything
(10:14:47 AM) you said that the way I gave you the ring wasn't good enough. Just like every other time it wasn't good enough.
(10:15:06 AM) so that made you mad
(10:15:12 AM) yes, it did.
(10:15:46 AM) why do i always have to ask for it
(10:15:53 AM) why can't you wait?
(10:16:13 AM) because thhe kids weren't around
(10:16:24 AM) I told you 'after dinner', but that wasn't good enough, it had to be right then and there. So I did. And it still wasn't good enough.
(10:16:30 AM) i was bummed out anyways
(10:16:34 AM) I even proposed just like you wanted. Not good enoug.
(10:16:40 AM) So that's why Im' mad.
(10:17:03 AM) I just wanted to wait, cool down, calm down. But I can't. I have to keep going and going. And I'm really mad.
(10:17:18 AM) you did't look into my eyes when you ask me
(10:17:36 AM) why can't you just love me the way I am?
(10:19:15 AM) this is somthing i aam to wear to symbol our love for one another and i am sorry but i guess i excepected more love into it
(10:19:49 AM) I'm going to get some coffee or something I have to get out of here.
(10:20:36 AM) well I am angry to
(10:21:07 AM) you people there to talk to I don't have anyone
(10:22:11 AM) I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to at the moment. If you're feeling really bummed out, can you call Stacy or what ever her name was?
(10:22:30 AM) maybe she can help you right now, because obviously, I just made it worse.
(10:22:56 AM) you seemed like you were in a better mood in the beginning of the conversation.
(10:23:08 AM) then I screwed it up.
(10:23:19 AM) well I have alot of issues right now
(10:23:45 AM) so angry from one thing goes into another
(10:24:17 AM) i will just leave you aone
(10:24:21 AM) alone
(10:24:25 AM) wait, I got an idea.
(10:24:37 AM) watch this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=NrYXb_TR-SI
(10:26:22 AM) brb, <my boss>.
(10:26:34 AM) love you.
(10:26:43 AM) even though I'm still upset.
(10:33:09 AM) going to sleep
(10:38:48 AM) April has signed off.

(1:02:46 PM) Me: Hi honey!
(1:02:51 PM) April: yeah
(1:02:56 PM) how did you sleep?
(1:03:07 PM) hoiw you thibnk
(1:03:17 PM) did you watch the monkey joke video?
(1:04:49 PM) oh ok
(1:05:06 PM) when did you wake up?
(1:06:16 PM) about 30 minutes had Doug call me sine you were being irgorant
(1:06:45 PM) I'm sorry.

This is probably an appeasement apology.

(1:07:05 PM) yeah well sometmes sorry doesn't mean a dam thing
(1:07:32 PM) see whenever i need you the most you are not supportive

Because the best way to keep your support network in place is to make unreasonable demands and belittle it when it doesn't live up to your expectations.

(1:07:51 PM) I try to be supportive.
(1:10:06 PM) I try to be understanding.
(1:12:39 PM) did you have any thing for lunch?
(1:12:52 PM) nope
(1:13:23 PM) I had a peanut butter sanwhich that Maddy made with me.
(1:15:36 PM) k
(1:18:52 PM) did you think of anything for dinner? I could go for some cheeseburgers or maybe that shepherd's pie.
(1:29:42 PM) don't know if i will be here
(1:29:42 PM) <AUTO-REPLY>: I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(1:29:56 PM) ok, do you want me to make dinner?
(1:29:58 PM) brb, dave.
(1:32:20 PM) back.
(1:32:29 PM) you can defend for yourself
(1:33:00 PM) I was chating with my one friend on here and he was at lunch but he had to go so i can talk toyou
(1:33:31 PM) I'm glad you've found some friends online.
(1:33:50 PM) yep might get me somewhere ever knw
(1:34:04 PM) huh? I don't know what you just said.
(1:34:17 PM) nevr mind

I know exactly what she meant, it would be nice to have someone else take this burden from me.

(1:34:21 PM) ok.
(1:35:12 PM) did you call the dr. about your welbutrin prescription?
(1:35:24 PM) why should i
(1:35:37 PM) i go up there next friday
(1:35:57 PM) on Sat. you said you weren't sure if the dosage was right, but if it feels ok now, I guess you don't need to.
(1:36:11 PM) yep
(1:36:21 PM) I'm glad you're feeling better.
(1:36:47 PM) don't know what you mean by that but whatever

Wait, what?

(1:37:26 PM) is it nice outside?
(1:37:36 PM) don't know
(1:38:05 PM) is there anything you'd like me to do when I get home?
(1:38:13 PM) not really
(1:38:29 PM) not really? Does that mean yes?
(1:38:37 PM) ope
(1:38:40 PM) nope
(1:38:47 PM) ok.
(1:38:50 PM) it means what it means
(1:39:28 PM) to mean "not really" means "you should know" or "guess"
(1:39:42 PM) whatever you think
(1:40:03 PM) what's on your mind?
(1:40:26 PM) i am in a pissy mood so there fore that is how i feel at this moment
(1:40:39 PM) ok, what can I do to help you?
(1:40:44 PM) i don't just get over things like you do
(1:41:06 PM) get mad and walk away aand then think everything is ok
(1:41:28 PM) I got mad and wanted to walk away, but yes, now everything is ok.
(1:41:28 PM) i have my reasons for a reason
(1:41:44 PM) well I am not like that
(1:42:00 PM) i don't just forget
(1:42:02 PM) I'm pretty sure I said I wanted to stop and cool down, right or not?
(1:42:15 PM) doesn't really matter
(1:42:16 PM) well no, I didn't forget, but I'm not going to let it fester.
(1:42:45 PM) well i got to go to work
(1:42:51 PM) bye
(1:42:55 PM) ok, talk to you when I get home.
(1:42:57 PM) love you.
(1:42:59 PM) bye
(1:43:09 PM) April has signed off.

Well this came out of the blue. We're chatting and she says she's going to take a nap. And out of nowhere:

Her
Me
(10:18:55 AM)well Iam gonna gotake a nap
what do you think of open relationship"
ok, do you want me to call you at 1:00?
what do you mean an open relationship?

 I know what that means, but I want to make sure that I'm not jumping the gun, sometimes we use the same terms that mean different things to her and I.

see others,but also have each other

Ok, we are both on the same page on that one. 

mind if I ask who you have in mind?
I don't think anyone right now
how about you

Wait a minute, she's the one who asked, not me... 

I'm not sure, do you think that will help you?
no not really, but what i was getting at i wanted to see if you were thinking about someone else
no I'm not thinking about someone else.
you always say theres no one interested in yo but you must just say that

 Why? because you'd flip out on me?

you said your not sure
you know that I'm not fabio or brad pitt, I'm not the type of guy who has women falling down at his feet.
yes, I said I'm not sure how I feel about an open relationship.
but I'm willing to do anything to help you.
you there?
yeah
do you need me to call you at 1:00?
i don't know
what else are you thinking about?
really don't know just spacing out
maybe you'll feel better after your nap?
ok let you go
you don't have to let me go, but since you said you were going to take a nap, I thought that was why you were spacing out?
tell me what else is on your mind, what frustrates you or anyting.
you want to talk about.
thats ok I will just let you go
ok, I'll call you at 1:00 have a good nap.
sweet dreams sweetheart.
(10:31:48 AM)love you.
(10:32:58 AM)you there?
(10:36:50 AM) April has gone away.
(10:37:13 AM) ok, I guess you went to take a nap. I'm going over to market to get coffee.
(10:37:15 AM) love you.

Well that's interesting. She asks me about an open relationship, then asks who I have in mind? I have me on my mind. It's horrible to say this, but I hope she finds someone who meets her needs, financially independent, loves shopping, can spend 24 hours a day with her and not lose his mind, and can read her mind. I'm scared to leave her, I'm scared to stay with her. If she finds someone else that takes the pressure off of me.

I got home, I'm making dinner, she doesn't do that much since the sexual assault and I try to help her out as much as I possibly can. She corners me. "Who do you have in mind?" I say nobody. She says "I wasn't serious, I was testing you...".

Well what the hell? I'm supposed to be honest, but only if it suits her. Stupid bitch. You're the one who  asked me, you want honesty or do you want me to tell me what you want to hear?

I can't read minds. 

Well, April lived up to her promise, she refused to go to the "Music thing" with my mom. Unfortunately, I have four tickets for really good seats that I can't use now. I told my mom and she said "it's ok, just get them back to me by that day and I'll let someone else use them.

Fine by me.

It's the morning of the "Music thing". I hop on my motorcycle, since this will allow me to get as close as possible regardless of traffic conditions. You can fit this through any opening wide enough to stand in with one elbow stuck out. If needed, I could ride it up stairs - although I wouldn't want to.

I get very close, go to a pay phone and call her. She tells me where she's at and I start walking to where she's sitting.

When I see her, she can tell I'm very frustrated (her words, I think "highly pissed" is more appropriate). I tell her that I'm fed up with it and I've got a plan. I'm joining the Marines. I've been talking to a recruiter for a good two months now, he seems really interested in me joining too. Cause, well that's his job.

Anyway, some people think this might be an escape mechanism, but it's only half that. This is a way, in my view, to get back a lot of the things that April's BPD has taken from me. Not everything, but some of it. I've also been interested in the military for a long time, perhaps back to middle school. I just didn't see myself as a soldier. I've managed to build a decent physique, so at least I look the part. I figure BPD has brought me through hell and back, is there anything a drill instructor could do to me that would be worse? So why not? I could die? Yeah. I could get hit by a bus too, but that doesn't stop me from crossing the street.

I have very little left, but I've got a plan, I just need to put it in place.