All of a sudden, the conversation switches. I'm still at fault of course. There is nothing removed from the last post's IM to this next line:

ever since that girl started you been acting different
no I haven't.
really you have been
you don't see it
you've been acting different, not me.
ok put all the blame on me
I'm not blaming anybody.
just becasue i want to spend time with you
more then evening
I try to spend as much time with you as possible.

 Here's a thought, maybe if I wasn't riddled with debt trying to keep her happy, I wouldn't need to work two jobs. Maybe if she'd work a full-time job, I wouldn't have to work two jobs. Maybe... so many maybes.

that should make you feelgood
why can't you take  a da for me
day
should i call that girl there and ask her what is going on
go for it.
let me look up her number.
ok
555-2500
you think i won't
go for it.

This is what I did to try to make her trust me. It is without a doubt, one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. There is a four minute pause.

chat w/ me

Two more minutes.

you don;t fuckin care about me I may as well just go take all those pills and just end it all
that's not true, you know it.
you can yell me in my voice how upset I am but you don't care
some things are out of my control.
tell
what do you mean
I can tell you're upset.
what things are out of control
I've got a shit load of work to get done and I have taken many days off to spend with you.
no all you have to do is ask (my boss)
(my boss) can not do this work, (one of my co-workers) has other work to do, (another co-worker) can not do this.
yeah buit not since (the guy who assaulted her) did this to me you have o idea how i need you
so that leaves me to get it done. it's already behind schedule by a lot.
what good am I to you if they say "Chuck can't do his job, we need to replace him"?
so see i have no one to lean on your not home until after 600
and the way i feel i need you
I'll try to come home early tonight, ok?
yeah right i gonna just kill myself i don't give a dam anymore
i don't care if that sounds selfish
see, there's about 80% of your problem.
but i had alot of shit happen to me and i just can't handle this anymore

Trying to reason with her, but it doesn't work.

if you feel that way, you need to talk to someone professional.
I am not a strong person
like everyone thinks I am
you are a strong person. You just don't know it.
and even strong people need help sometimes.
you [know that if] (my boss) knows half of what happened to me I thnk he would be understanding
I didn't tell him 1/2 of what happened to you.

I have to worry about my cars
I know that.
well you may have a welll nothing to be ashamed of
it fuckin happened
it wasn't my place to tell him, remember?

This is something they express in the literature I was giving as the "someone who cares about someone who was raped."

why not not like he is my boss
because the pamphlet said it wasn't up to me to tell people.
do you want me to call him and say all (my boss) I may need Chuck from time to time I was a victim of sexual assault
if you feel that's really necessary.
i am having a real difficult time today with all this I feel like Imean nothing to anyone
that's not true.
like why even be here
i don't understand how god can do alll this to me
but what you need to do is talk to a professional. Me rushing right home is going to accomplish only a temporary fix and make it even harder for me to get this damn work done.
you know sitting here crying
feeling like total shit
Call Stacy.

no you know what i will do i will go face to face with (the guy who assaulted her) and beat the living shit out of him
that's a really bad idea, you know that right?
i don't care and no one else does
you see, you're very wrong.
who cares if i end upp in the jail
but you need to help yourself. Call Stacy.
so, are you going to call Stacy?
no she can't help me what i want i can't have right now
I think she can.
i have to wait for 6 houras
and you can't always have what you want. I don't get to have what I want all the time either.
that is so cold
it's not cold, it's the truth.
i hope sometime you really need someone and there not there for you because if the shoes where on the other foot i would not hestiate to be there for you because thats how much you mean to me and how much I love you
you know the jial thing
i was there

there's a difference between what I want to do, and what I need to do.
so what your saying is deal with it and leave mw out of it
i have to much things to get done
sorry i took all your timwe
no, what I'm saying is that I am here to help you, but I can't go running home today.
i wil leave you alone
I'm more than happy to talk to you, ultimately, you really need to talk to someone professional to help you through this.
no what i need is your love and understanding
I feel I am loving towards you and I am understanding. Just because I can't do what you want right this moment does not mean that I do not love you or I am not understanding.
going to take some pills be back
ok

what's Maddy doing?

Five minute break, there's at least two minutes between each line below I sent:

you back yet?
hello?
where are you?
brb.

Another five minute break, finally...

back
here.

Seven minutes go by

you going to chat?
doesn't matter

well i have t leave in 10 minutes for work
ok, so that means you've got 10 minutes to talk to me, right?
i guess if i want to
do you want to?
not sure
you don't have time for me so like wise
I always have time for you.
i am not sure how many activan i took

What?! She's supposed to drive and what the hell?

but i am getting sleepy
what do you mean you're not sure how many you took?
you're only supposed to take 1
not sure
what do you mean not sure?
maybe3
why would you take 3?
why not
because you're only supposed to take 1, you know that.
well i got to go to work in4 miutes
ok, I hope you only took 1.
love you.
have a good run.
talk to you soon.
i not lying
I hope you only took 1.
brb, phone.
bye,just remember i loved you
you better be joking, you're not funny.
love you.
not joking in no mood for jokes
you're not funny.
notbtrying to be
talk to you after your run.
ohwellallmywords are together
love you, talk to you soon.
bye forever loved you
stop.
love you, talk to you soon.

And she signed off. Now I get to worry about her till I get home.

My company has a office party every year, it's lame, it's expensive, my mini-department boycotts it, at $20 a head, they can do better than a weight-watchers sized serving of a main dish and a side. Yes, it's gormet food, but damn it, we're workin' folk. And forget about a beer.

So we all agree to have the "real" office party. Against my better judgement, I invite April. If I don't I won't be able to go. 

April's concerned that we're gonna be late, but not so concerned that she can't  bug me at work, well it's sorta my fault, I did say "hi" first. Because if I don't she'll be mad, and I don't want her mad.:

(4:27:38 PM)hi honey!
hey
went ok
good.
so are you finished doing what needs to be done?
nearly.
so then that means yes
I've got a little bit more work to finish, but yes.
shouldn't been goofing off
I'm not goofing.
what are you doing?
I am responding to (project name) error emails. It sucks.
I hate doing it.
stupid people!
i thought that was Kristin job
this one is different. most of that kind of stuff is her responsibilty.
this one is my baby unfortunately.
all so you are helping her

No, I'm not helping her, I'm doing my job.

I hate it, I should have said it can't be done.
no, this is all mine.
yeah right
:(
huh?
i do not believe that
oh, I just found some of them were already responded to, so that's good.
they were old, I forgot to mark them as done.
s when are you leaving
you are such a sucker
in about 10 minutes.
I know you are helping her and that pisses me off
guess what?
I'm not helping her, this is my project and I'm handling it.

I told you, it's my damn job. Why do you have to put me in a mood like this?

well since you are busy i guess i will see you later
ok, I'll see you when I get home.
love you.
if we are latethen we are late
we won't be late.
I said I was leaving 10 minutes early, that's 6 minutes from now, we'll be there on time.
well I do not like being the last one there like your mom all the time
we'll be there on time or early.
ok
see you whenever
see you about 5:50.
yeah depending on traffic
we'll be fine.
bye
love you.
ok, leaving now, a whole 2 minutes earlier than I said.
love you
(4:48:53 PM)bye 

 I'm really getting butterflies in my stomach about this. God I hope I'm wrong and she won't make a scene.

So we get to the restaurant, find a space, go inside. Our tables aren't ready yet, so we talk to some of my co-workers at the bar. The co-worker who quit and looks nothing like Kristin walks in. April says "there she is" I say no it's not.

One of my co-workers asked me what I got for my boss as a gift (the ones I was instructed I was not allowed to buy), even though I asked them not to mention it. Ah well. This put April in a bad mood, she orders a drink. I hope that she gets smashed and starts acting like a reasonable person. No such luck.

So our table is ready, we sit down, I'm sure to sit at a different table than Kristin, because I fear this will make matters so much worse.

Everything seems to be going ok, Kristin comes over and talks to the people at the table. This really sets April off. After Kristin leaves, she begins bitching very loudly, I remind her that other people can hear her and she needs to stop.

This doesn't work. Not knowing what to do, I go out and smoke a cigarette. According to April, Kristin left at a similar time, presumably to use the restroom, but who knows, I know she wasn't any where near me. April comes out to check on me.

I pretty much can't wait to get out of there, I'm so humiliated. We sit around and drink some more. I hope the check comes soon. She tells me that she needs to go to the bathroom, would I come with her. On the off chance that she's going to privately appologize to me, I go with her. Instead she drags me into the restroom. A co-worker who was attending a different office party happened to catch us on the way out, she's very nice and obviously lesbian (this is known in the company as well) so I introduce her to April. She's ok with that co-worker.

Back at the table, the check finally arrives. I pay and get the hell out of dodge.

April's still going off about Kristin, calling her a slut, fluzy and everything else in the book. I'm really careful with what I say and trying to drive. I've had too much to drink. Normally I'd be fine, but I haven't had any significant number of drinks in about a year and maybe had one beer a month until the last case I bought ran out.

About three miles from our house, she opens the car door. I've been through this before, I grab her seat belt while she fights me, pull over at the nearest some what safe spot. I tell her I can't do this shit any more, I'm having her committed. She grabs the phone from my hand and chucks it somewhere in the car. I try to calm her down long enough to get home.

From a co-worker who was at the same table and knows most of our problems:

(8:24:50 AM) HOw you been?
(8:24:50 AM) I'm here, give me a moment to im you back.
(8:25:28 AM) ok, how bout you?
Heard things were rough durning/after dinner on Thursday.
yup.
I knew it was a big mistake
Kristin and I both thought is was us...
no, April seems completely unthreatened, unintimidated by you.
Kristin on the other hand...
I apologize if I was rude to April -
I didn't think you were rude, no apologies necessary.
Kristin? Lauren? Gravy?
Lauren, no problem
Gravy, no problem
Tara, no problem
OMG Kristin? for god sake she was there with Mike and
Terri no problem.
crazy woman, there's no sense involved.
only came over to introduce herself to
I know.
dean and April!
works for me.
but I wouldn't want to inflict that on your kids.
OMG you poors thing!
even occasionally.
in completely unrelated news, I'm pretty sure anything having to do with me and the Marines is out. I lost on Weds. Cop had the biggest stick up his ass I've ever seen.
oh, and guess who's getting glasses.
Man you are having a run of bad luck....
if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
We are going for coffee want to come along?
but, I think to give Karma an opportunity to balance things out, I'm going to throw $1 into the powerball pot for tomorrow.
sure.
hahahaha
is market open today?
good luck.
at least that one I know my odds.
hahaah
is Kristin in today?
I thought she was in today...?
I thought so too.
Long ride home on Thursday?
yeah, and on top of that I had to do the drunk concentration because I hadn't had a beer in six months.
http://www.elfyourself.com/
seen it - it creeps me out - did you do it yet?
no, just used the default face, gotta give Office Max credit
good - OMG I can't stay awake...
and I slept for 8+ hours last night
OMG I want to sleep - so fucking bad...
go home, tell everybody you're going to the NIE room or something.
or go to bed and be fucked senseless...want to sign up?
sorry, I've got to get (project: death) up.
hahahaha
good luck -
I swear I'm going to kill (project: death).
hahaha
(11:08:15 AM) has gone away.
(3:20:02 PM) is no longer idle.
damn this week is boring.
yes - it could be better - if we could figure out where to get together to fuck...
that would be great.
if you are still interested...
still interested.
still looking for a chance/place/time to get together? I am and you? Have you been looking for the same thing?
yes, but I can't think of any place where we won't get caught, either by (our company) or by (local) Police
or any other police for that matter.
hahaha

I've learned my lesson, that's why you never dip your donut in the company coffee. 

Yeah I know.
so what was up with Dean thurs, I mean , you know what's wrong with April, or is he always like that?
Like what?
I would love to have your impressions of him...
he seemed kinda, hating to be there.
like "God is this over yet?"
no he had a really good time - and was sorry we had to leave.
really? ok, I guess I just read him wrong.
He is shy - I know go figure - and listend attentively, and only chimes in every now and then...and alot of people don't get his sense of humor...very dry and sharp...
I was feeling very faust-ish, like "I'd trade my soul to have my life from 2002 back, knowing what I know now", so clearly the devil doesn't exist. (Or possibly, I'm sleeping with her)
ok, I can see him that way, you should have gotten him liquored up.
no I drink with my friends he drinks with his friends ( Good things he has no friends and I have lots!)
lol
Not really we deceide who is driving home before we go in to a place - rock paper siccors aor Odds and Evens. Very grown up huh?
what ever works.
I figured I wouldn't drink more than a beer or two.
then it all went to shit, oh, about the moment we walked in the door.
I think it would have been worse if she wasn't drinking.
so when she drug you into the ladies - did you fuck or fight or some combination of trhe two?
neither actually. I have no idea what she was thinking.
so weird...
because she knows that we would have time for neither.
she just didn't want you to be able to apologize to anyone for her behavior...
that's a really good possibilty.
sorry to trash on your date - I'll stop - I had fun being out with you - even though you were uncomfortable...
I liked being out and having your company...
that was fun, but it would have been so much better with a sane date.
I can introduce you to several...
hmmm.
now if only I could find a way to get the hell out of my house.
dude is your stuff worth your sanity?
I often wonder that.
tell her you are loading everthing in the vana nd are goingt ostore it at your mom's farm - for the winter so she can park in the garage....
then move it all to storage...
minor problem, I have no garage.
Oh I thouhgt you had the tools in the garage still boxed up...
my mistake...
sorry.
in the shed, it's out back in our yard, at 8X10, it's a squeeze getting the lawn tractor and dirt bike in.
(4:30:22 PM) has signed off.

 Needless to say, I'm never bringing her to any company related outing again.

This is one of the hardest entries to write. It's been many, many months since it happened and I'm not over it.

There must have been some other part of the conversation that was lost. I do not know what went on I guess she threatened to call Kristin.

(4:31:10 PM) are you there
(4:35:51 PM) see
(4:35:57 PM) doing you
(4:36:17 PM) you were telling her what to say if i would call her
(4:36:28 PM) no, I wasn't.
(4:36:51 PM) also back when Dick and I were doing htings and you claim you were jacking off were you really doing her?
(4:37:20 PM) I swear I was not doing Kristin.
(4:37:26 PM) that way you lasted longer
(4:37:46 PM) go get a blessed bible so I can swear on it, since a regular bible is just a stack of paper.
(4:37:47 PM) well then can i ask her questions without you getting pissed off
(4:38:13 PM) if your not quilty the you shouldn't care
(4:38:28 PM) Dear God, please do not ask her "is Chuck good in the sack" or anything that will get me fired.
(4:38:38 PM) why not?
(4:38:39 PM) or humiliate me, please don't.
(4:38:59 PM) why?
(4:39:15 PM) if you have nothing to hide then you sahouldn't care
(4:39:18 PM) why shouldn't you humiliate me?
(4:39:30 PM) why shouldn't you try to get me fired?
(4:39:39 PM) do those questions really need answers?
(4:39:44 PM) yes
(4:40:34 PM) you have something to hide then is what you are telling me
(4:40:53 PM) no i do not want to humilate you
(4:41:03 PM) you really need an answer as to why you shouldn't humiliate your significant other in front of his co-workers and why you shouldn't get him fired?
(4:41:16 PM) no I have nothing to hide and that should be the end of it.
(4:41:17 PM) i wouldn't get you fired
(4:41:40 PM) well you not taking me in there has a big problem on this end
(4:42:10 PM) I'm not talking to you because I'm trying to write an email that I need to send before 5:00
(4:42:17 PM) I'm almost done.
(4:42:33 PM) im gonna call her
(4:42:41 PM) while your doing that
(4:42:54 PM) fine, call her if you must, but please do not get me fired.
(4:43:13 PM) im calling her
(4:43:19 PM) that's nice.

 The conversation I heard is below, what I assume she asked is in parenthesis:
Kristin: "This is Business Name Here, Kristin Speaking. How can I help you?"
April: (Hi, Kristin?)
Kristin: "Yes".
April: (Are you doing Chuck?)
Kristin: "Oh dear God no! I have a boyfriend".
April: (how long have you been together?)
Kristin: "We've lived together a year and a half."
April: (are you sure you didn't fuck him?)
Kristin: "No, he's not my type. Bye."

(4:46:19 PM) she said she has a boyfriend for a year
(4:46:32 PM) but it seems like i may have someone else to worry about
(4:46:38 PM) huh?
(4:46:41 PM) she lives with him
(4:46:46 PM) so?
(4:46:53 PM) so what
(4:47:06 PM) why would you worry if she lives with her boyfriend?
(4:47:22 PM) i didn't she told me that I did not ask that
(4:47:25 PM) she said that
(4:47:32 PM) so why would that make you worry?
(4:47:40 PM) doesn't
(4:47:50 PM) she told me there may be someone else

That's funny, cause I sit about 20 feet from her, and she said no such thing.

(4:47:55 PM) but it seems like i may have someone else to worry about
(4:47:59 PM) who's someone else?
(4:48:09 PM) i have no idea ask her what she meant
(4:48:21 PM) that you may like or likes you
(4:48:30 PM) not that I'm aware of.
(4:48:42 PM) well that is what she said

 No Kristin didn't.

(4:48:49 PM) you're probably reading too much into something she said.
(4:49:10 PM) don't know
(4:49:31 PM) i told her about our past a little thats why I do not trust you
(4:49:39 PM) so then she understood I think
(4:49:56 PM) why would you tell her about our past, what past?
(4:50:30 PM) i did not go into details i justt said we had our problems in the past you know with kristie

Kristie was my old roommate. 

(4:50:41 PM) but i did not tell her about kristie
(4:51:00 PM) I thought you resolved that.
(4:51:48 PM) I told her that yes I was upset and this has been bothering me, and at the party she wasn't really hanging out with her boyfriend and I thought that was odd
(4:52:16 PM) I don't know, I wasn't watching her.
(4:52:22 PM) sorry but I had to do it, I know yu will be mad
(4:52:57 PM) no not mad, [I'm] embarrassed, humiliated, some other emotion that I don't have a name for.
(4:53:00 PM) so what are you talking toher about this
(4:53:16 PM) no, I'm hoping she forgets about it over the weekend.
(4:53:26 PM) sorry I needed it, for my own sanity
(4:53:34 PM) why can't you just believe me?
(4:53:44 PM) you give me so many reasons
(4:54:00 PM) oh well, I'm going to take the time cards up to payroll, I've got to fix one because Dave is off till Weds.
(4:54:09 PM) and I still didn't get this email sent.
(4:54:28 PM) why not you said your almost done
(4:54:39 PM) yes, I need to proof read it.
(4:54:51 PM) it's going to two editors and Bill, it has to be 100% right.
(4:55:04 PM) so what are you rtelling me
(4:55:21 PM) I'm proof reading an email and going to payroll.
(4:55:29 PM) to turn in time cards like I do every week.
(4:56:06 PM) maybe if you where ore romantic iwouldn't have to worry
(4:56:22 PM) how much more romantic do you want me to be?
(4:56:27 PM) alot more
(4:56:42 PM) why can't you just love me for me?
(4:56:43 PM) you know make reservations sometime take me somewhere
(4:57:06 PM) you were better in the beginning
(4:57:09 PM) well unless I find a way to make more money that's not going to be any time soon, sorry.
(4:57:22 PM) and I like our house better, I know where the germs came from.
(4:57:23 PM) yeah to many lawyers bills
(4:57:44 PM) talk to you when you get home
(4:57:49 PM) ok.
(4:57:50 PM) love you.

I have no idea why I'd say this. I should say "Fuck you very much, get out of my life" but I didn't. 

(4:57:58 PM) love you maybe
(4:58:03 PM) that's mean.
(4:58:21 PM) well how i've been feeling has been mean
(4:58:37 PM) oh well love you
(4:58:38 PM) well I can't buy you a punching bag thsi week.
(4:58:40 PM) love you.
(4:58:53 PM) don't need one i will use you
(4:59:01 PM) that's really mean.
(4:59:09 PM) well thats how i feel
(4:59:17 PM) no i just won't eat
(4:59:20 PM) all good
(4:59:29 PM) that's rediculous.
(4:59:29 PM) see ya
(4:59:34 PM) :)
(4:59:44 PM) love you, bye

 On my way home, I got a call from another co-worker, who was quite blunt about the situation. Kristin didn't know what to do, so she called this other co-worker. I can't blame her. This is not supposed to work out like this.

I got called into a conference room with Bill (my acting boss), Kristin and myself. Kristin is very concerned about Friday and I don't blame her one bit. Unfortunately, Kristin didn't forget about it over the weekend.

Kristin wants to file a restraining order against April, which seems like a good idea. I give her all the information and agree to resolve the situation. Actually, I tell them that I've got the Friday afternoon off and I plan to pack my shit and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Aaron sold about a dozen trading cards to a kid down the street for $5. He's four years younger than Aaron, but a big fan of the team and I'd consider it to be a fair deal between children. (Not a fair deal if adults were involved.) They're probably not worth $5 but I don't think it was a complete rip-off either since neither know the value of the carrds. And something is only "worth" what someone else is willing to pay for it, right?

Well this kid's dad found out and blew a gasket. He completely went off. We know that this guy is at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to husband/father type stuff. We've never had any proof, but we think he beats his wife and kid.

So he charges down to our house, bangs on the door. He goes off on April, demands the five dollars back and tells her that "your husband" meaning me, needs to smack her around a little. She didn't like than I can't blame her one bit. She called the cops. She's 5'2" 125 soaking wet, he's 5'6" maybe 160. While he poses almost no threat to me unarmed, to her I can see why she'd be scared. Especially since she now knows he advocates beating your spouse. The police show up, he's still foaming at the mouth.

The cop is befuddled as to what the big deal is, it's $5 and baseball cards. He gives them a warning that they must stay off the property or they will be cited for tresspassing.

By the time I get home, everybody's gone and it's calm.

Madison, 7 is no longer riding her school bus as we fear the jackass up the street may start something since both the boy and Madison get on the bus at the same stop. If he beats his wife and first grader I wouldn't be surprised what he'd do to someone else's first grader.

Aaron is supposed to be picked up by April in the afternoon, but is allowed to catch his own bus before school since they ride differerent busses at much different times. The beater would be at work before Aaron's bus gets him in the morning, but not in the afternoon.